Posted by: Dee | 2009-03-16

Family Matters

My cousin sister ( Ama ) got pregnant last year and we were all happy with the news.
In December my sister ( Che ) and I throw her a big baby shower and all our friends and hers came to my house.
It was so nice and later in December her ( Ama ) mom decided that she will give birth here in Jozi and they will go back home ( Limpopo ) when the child is strong enough because of the witch craft in their province.
I was not happy to hear the news and I told my mom why can’ t they ask me first instead of making decisions without me and my mom spoke to them and they ask me if they could be with me during that time of labour.
She ( Ama ) gave birth beginning of Feb and I knocked off early on that day to fetch them in hospital and we drove to my house.
During the period that they’ ve been in my house it was both my cousin and her mom and I was providing everything for them and their visitors who comes in weekends.
It was too much for me but anyway they are my family.
And Ama’ s mom always had the remarks of how much she appreciates what Ama’ s boyfriend is doing and what will they have done if it wasn’ t for this man.
I was a bit upset about those remarks since the boyfriend is not the one giving them a shelter and food.
I was the one providing all those things but anyway I kept it to myself.
But I told my sister ( Che ) how I feel and she called Ama immediately and told her how unfair her mom is.
I blamed my sister for doing that but when I got home I spoke to Ama without her mom knowing trying to explain everything to her and she was ok and she even said to me I mustn’ t tell her mom this little argument
But the next day when I got home Ama, her mom and her 5 weeks old baby were gone and took everything that belongs to them without saying thank you for the time that I have kept them in my home.
Apparently Ama told he mom everything and they felt that I don’ t want them in my house.
Up until now they do not speak to me and I haven’ t spoken to them but Ive send Ama an sms apologising for what has happened and she said she is fine.
I feel bad and not sure what to do next.

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Our expert says:
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They had and have no right to assume you have to help and support them ( and they are not close relatives ) without asking you and making certain that this suits you. While in your house they should NOT have entertained visitors, and should not put you to any expense --- if they were at home they'd be paying their expenses, including food, and should have paid for themselves now, as well. If they think the bf did so much ( it is, after all, his child, not yours ) then send him a note of all their food and other expenses. For them o have left without even thanking you is disgracefully bad manners. THEY owe you an apology, not the other way round. Make sure your family and their's know how much you did for them, and paid for them, and that they never showed any appreciation or thanks.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Really | 2009-03-16

Sometimes all you have to do is nothing!

Especially with family. They can take advantage of you and make you feel as though you owe them everything. This is when you put your foot down and let them know how you want things done... this will not mean that you are not willing to assist when needed but that they should consult you before they make decisions, especially if the decisions will affect your life, your budget and your space.

On your part, if this was bothering you that much, I think you should have spoken to your Auntie about it instead of talking to someone who would have eventually told them as it happened. But don' t shoot yourself in the foot, maybe the news and your feelings towards the situation having come out the way it did is good, they will know what not to do the next time.

Family needs to be reminded that you are human as well and they should involve you in their decisions, if it will affect you.

I don' t see why you had to apologise... but we all have reasons for everything we do.

All the best.

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