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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2012/06/09

Family Issues - sorry for the long post.

My dad put me out of his house shortly after my mom died - I was 19, his reason he wanted me to learn responsibility. I havent gone back since - fortunately i was working so with a lots of struggle and perserverance i live to write this post. I am the 2nd of 5kids - my siblings were not told to leave (some were too young, others could but was daddys favorite). I made it my mission in life to succeed and fortunately i can say that at my age (early 30s) I hold a management position in a top company in South Africa. My professional life is running smoothly but my personal life is a wreck and i have seen counsellors about it. I dont need counselling now, but im just feeling a little sad. Its been about 3 months since i have last spoken to my siblings and i know people may blame me but these are the reasons : If i dont call them they will never call me, even for my birthday i have to call them so that they can say happy birthday. They have never called to check if i am okay. Left a message on a social network - which i dont often frequent. Now my thing is if you could log onto FB on your mobile could you not have called me instead to check up on me? They dont work - guess its laziness but they are always coming up with excuses as to why the cant work at the local grocery store (still a job if you have nothing). Every year i would visit them (they all still live with my dad) and i spend about 5000 on groceries, and 2 weeks later i get called to ask for money because there is no food. I got tired of all the abuse and stopped talking to them. I miss them i wont lie, but they cant expect me to be the one making a move. Am i wrong in doing so, i have stopped calling just to check how soon after they will call me and already 3 months have passed and nothing. I wont even be visiting them this year because when i am there even my dad expects me to pay electricity and drive him up and down - I even have to take my own food. I dont have a boyfriend and a single parent and recently have also enrolled for my degree - I make sacrifices to better myself but my siblings but my siblings sit back and wait for handouts. Am i being o harsh or am i taking the right decision. My head says im right but my heart is in turmoil.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Obviously, he not only chose a rotten way to teach anyone "responsibility", but in his stupidity and cruelty, he modelled and demonstrated irresponsibility.
It must have been very difficult for you, but from the sound of it, you lost nothing in losing contact with such a biased and limited person.
Congratulations on all that you have succeeded in achieving. Nobody has any reason for blaming you ( and you have no reason to blame yourself )for the choices you have made about contacting your sibs. They sound careless and uncaring.
I see no good reason why you should spend a single cent on food or anything else for this bunch of lazy people who can't be bothered to work and support themselves. NEVER give them money - they don't deserve it at all.
Interesting that they can't remember to call you for your birthday, but can remember to call when they want money
Only your own innate goodness makes you feel as though you miss them, as they seem to havwe contributed nothing to your life worth missing.
Leave them behind in your dust, stop looking over your shoulder, and work on developing your own life, with the aid of a counsellor if necessary.
Don't fear that buy ignoring these greedy and lazy sibs you are echoing your father's behaviour, as it is a very different thing to decide to stop sacrificing your own interests to reward them for being idle and greedy.
I hope your heart will soon catch up with your head and recognize how right your recent decisions have been. Congratulations.
I fully agree with Maria that they are only a bunch of ATM robbers. Continue to build a great life for yourself and yopur child - you richly deserve that

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: vavi | 2012/06/14

Well done dont give them anything especially your father they just using you they don''t care about you save your money for your child and forget about them.

Reply to vavi
Posted by: Lilly | 2012/06/14

Well done! You should not give them anything! Rather save for your kid and studies. You are a true inspiration

Reply to Lilly
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/06/11

Obviously, he not only chose a rotten way to teach anyone "responsibility", but in his stupidity and cruelty, he modelled and demonstrated irresponsibility.
It must have been very difficult for you, but from the sound of it, you lost nothing in losing contact with such a biased and limited person.
Congratulations on all that you have succeeded in achieving. Nobody has any reason for blaming you ( and you have no reason to blame yourself )for the choices you have made about contacting your sibs. They sound careless and uncaring.
I see no good reason why you should spend a single cent on food or anything else for this bunch of lazy people who can't be bothered to work and support themselves. NEVER give them money - they don't deserve it at all.
Interesting that they can't remember to call you for your birthday, but can remember to call when they want money
Only your own innate goodness makes you feel as though you miss them, as they seem to havwe contributed nothing to your life worth missing.
Leave them behind in your dust, stop looking over your shoulder, and work on developing your own life, with the aid of a counsellor if necessary.
Don't fear that buy ignoring these greedy and lazy sibs you are echoing your father's behaviour, as it is a very different thing to decide to stop sacrificing your own interests to reward them for being idle and greedy.
I hope your heart will soon catch up with your head and recognize how right your recent decisions have been. Congratulations.
I fully agree with Maria that they are only a bunch of ATM robbers. Continue to build a great life for yourself and yopur child - you richly deserve that

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Maria | 2012/06/10

It sounds as if the biggest favour your father ever did you was to kick you out at 19, otherwise you might have ended up as useless as the rest of them. Your family don''t appear to see you as a loving, valued sister and daughter. They see you as a walking ATM. It might be helpful to think of them as ATM robbers against whom you must beef up your emotional defenses.

I''ve also had this situation with someone I cared about a lot and felt responsible for. Unfortunately it was all about money from her side. Oh I think she loved and appreciated me for other reasons too, but I eventually got to the end of my tether about the fact that she asked for money every time I made contact. I miss her. I would like to be there for her as a friend and mentor. But the trust was just broken too often.

Giving people money all the time means they never have to get off their backsides and do things for themselves.

You have done nothing wrong. Focus on your child, your studies and the life you are building for yourself. It''s difficult when you''re a decent person to break contact with people who have meant a great deal to you, but if they use and abuse you that is really the only path you can take.

Take care.

Reply to Maria

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