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Question
Posted by: SuperGirl | 2012-04-10

Family in law

I feel like killing my future family in law. My fiancé  (let’ s call him Jake) is going through a very rough patch (granted he has been for almost our entire relationship) and they have the audacity to blame ME! They say since he met me, he’ s changed. I was reading on his BBM the messages he was getting from his brother (lets call him Adam) and I am FURIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!

To give you a bit of background, I have been with Jake for 7 years. We met when we were at school still. I encouraged him to do anything he wanted (except the nasties, of course. Drugs, crime and the likes), but we never had the money for him to achieve his dreams. His family on the other hand always treated him like dirt. He was a real mommies boy, and a sucker for punishment. Adam used him. His mother didn’ t approve of anything he did. She hates me. Ag, she’ s a real piece of work. Spoilt Adam, but would complain when he didn’ t appreciate anything. She would complain to my fiancé , who is the most respectful person on the planet, about Adam. Didn’ t do anything special for Jake, though. Jake and I would buy groceries every month, but the mother complained it wasn’ t enough. Precious Adam never bought anything, but no problem there. She prefers to spoil the brat who is physically violent to her. So Jake eventually left the home to live with me, and they stopped speaking to him. But when they needed a lift or something, Jake was the first person they’ d call. He would go visit them every Sunday, I wasn’ t allowed in their home. Eventually he stopped going BECAUSE I wasn’ t allowed.

Spoilt brat Adam (Adam is only a year younger than Jake) eventually got his degrees and is now making quite a name for himself. My poor fiancé  on the other hand, is still stuck in his dead end job. We’ ve applied for finance so we can get him to study and get a proper job, but he feels down in the dumps because of the whole thing with his family and his financial woes. It’ s a very long and twisted tale, but I won’ t go into details.

Anyway, so back to the BBMs. Adam said that over the years, Jake has become a different person. As much as Jake told him it’ s the woes of life, Adam refused to believe it. I was reading the messages and there were some CRAZY accusations! Apparently I am so rude and disrespectful to their mother, I purposely look away when I see her in the shops, I don’ t greet, and I rudely declined a lunch invite- NONE OF THAT IS THE TRUTH! His mother WALKS OUT of shops when she sees me (she did it in front of Jake once, so he knows), I haven’ t even spoken to her in 4 years, but that is because SHE stopped talking to ME. I did greet her every time I saw her for ages and SHE ignored me so I stopped. Adam basically implied that Jake should dump me- he said there are other women out there, I’ m replaceable, and I’ m not family- HOW DARE HE!!!!!!!!!!!

So I got gatvol and messaged him from my phone, and Adam said Jake is dumb to be with me, how can he be with someone who is so rude to his own mother, agggggg the conversation went ON AND ON. I eventually told him he’ s being a know it all on a situation he knows nothing about, to which he replied F*& % you. I’ m nothing special, my family are all racist against them (oh, yeah it’ s an interracial relationship and my family has welcomed Jake as if he were flesh and blood), what does Jake see in me, I’ m keeping the family separated (uhhhhhh, the dad lives in Durban, Jake and I live like 2 minutes away from his mother and Adam lives in P.E.) Adam said I should be respectful to their mother regardless of anything she does and I should want to try be friends with her. I said that she isn’ t my mother, I am an adult, not a child and she doesn’ t automatically qualify for my respect, especially after what she has done to me.

Now here is the catch- after this conversation I sought advice from my dear old neighbour who tells me Adam is right. She went through the same thing, apparently. So she says I should phone up the mother, say the past is the past, I want to get along with you for Jake’ s sake come over for dinner, the works. Looks, it is something that I have thought about doing for ages, but Jake always told me not to bother with them.

I’ m scared of phoning her- she is the kind of mother that will tell me exactly where to get off. I’ m not a nasty person, I am not confrontational, I hate fighting. I am the polar opposite of his mother. I’ m a wimp, really.

What should I say???!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

This sounds so much like the situation of Johan in the neighbouring message. Its frightening how people like Johan and your fiancee ( and yourself ) insist on giving so very much power to other people who don't deserve it, who aren't worthy of it.
As for approachign the mother, always allow her to be the one in the wrong. When you bump into her, greet her pleasantly ; if she ignores you, that's her behaving badly, and you will have given her no excuse to complain. IF you invite her to dinner or even just cofee with you, and she refuses, again, it leaves her in the wrong, and leaves no room for anyone to complain that you're not being friendly.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-04-10

This sounds so much like the situation of Johan in the neighbouring message. Its frightening how people like Johan and your fiancee ( and yourself ) insist on giving so very much power to other people who don't deserve it, who aren't worthy of it.
As for approachign the mother, always allow her to be the one in the wrong. When you bump into her, greet her pleasantly ; if she ignores you, that's her behaving badly, and you will have given her no excuse to complain. IF you invite her to dinner or even just cofee with you, and she refuses, again, it leaves her in the wrong, and leaves no room for anyone to complain that you're not being friendly.

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