Posted by: Annonymous | 2009-11-09


I' m a 25yr old daughter of a single mother, have 2 older sisters(29 and 27) both living with their men and kids. 1 younger sister(18) and a younger brother(9).
3 are of the same father and the other 2 different fathers, my mother has always had bad relationships and i truelly feel sorry for her and understand relationships can be a pain, she was always in short-term relationships where I can see she gives her all(probably too much) that she ends up being taken forgranted, i know now that i' m older. I live far away from home and am pretty much living a comfortable life. Back at home she has always made sure that we never went without, and I love her more than anything for all her sacrifices.

Last year, she started dating a ' home-boy' (who doesnt even have a job), the whole village was talking about this. My mother seemed not to care what people,family and we were raising. I saw her starting to live like a minor, dressing like us etc. Seemed to me like she was trying to be a perfect person for this younger guy. I and my sisters were very bitter over this, but I eventually just accepted that we cant choose for her. We used to all live in my granny' s house where this guy would sneak in at night every nite before moving in with her in her room, and she started sort of lossing her self-esteem due to this, u' d talk talk and she' d just listen and not say anything. Now my uncle gave her a 2-roomed house so she can make a home 4 us, my mother then moved in with this guy. I said to her that i would like to fulfil my promise and help her build a home, and also whats going to happen when we come home in Dec? she promised me that the arrangement was temporary, that they' d even go rent so that we can have a home wher we free. Its now a year Dec is coming and it looks like nothing is going to change. I sent her ALL of my savings to build the house, i hear they bought a car which she says was given to them. Decided not to follow wher Savings went, it was a gift to her afterall.

I also discoverd 4 months back that my 18yr old sister has not been studying since going to tertiary for 2 years. she was pocketing rental + the school fees(which i know in my heart cud be a result of the home situation). She had to go back home and now lives with my mom and her Boyfrnd. Now in the 2 room the ' visitor'  is always locked in the one room with TV/Radio and other entertainment - where my sister cant go in during the day whn my mother isnt home(he doesnt have a job and is dependant on my mother who has a nuts paying job), she spends her days looking into the walls all day, friends and visitors is something tht my mother doesnt approve of(We grew up like that and i still respect her rule).Because my mother is soo upset about my sister' s story she has chosen to almost disown her, they go out to lunches and leave her behind etc. Whn I speak to her I can feel that she is depressed, I do no condone what she did but i feel that my mother should take responsibility for this(I am) and she could try and focus on giving her what she is missing -the motherly love, instead of this treatment. On the other hand I really love my mother and want her to be 100% happy such that I' ll choose to overlook her flaws and just accept things as they are but I can see it is killing our family. My mother is also very emotional, any attempt to have an honest conversation with her about this causes her to become emotional and me feeling very guilty. Its even worse I have 90% evidence to believe that they are both hiv+(something that i' ve cried and cried about and eventually accepted, confronted her wanting her to feel like its ok to be positive and i' m always there for her but she said there was nothing - i didnt push it - this is even more reason I' d want her not to worry about anything).

I feel that this is causing sooo much strain, these issues cross my mind everyday, i cry like almost everyday at the thought of the mess, questions such as how are we going to all fit into that house, seeing the ' visit'  is permanent? I also want 4 my younger sister to redirect her life, but we all know family has the greatest impact on how we lead our lives.
Spoke to my mother this morning, saying that she must please accept my sister as her lil girl and start showing her some love, a conversation which lead to tears and me feeling guilty, Please note i' ll always try and be very polite when addressing these issues, my whole family counts on me for all, I dont want any1 of them to get hurt and luckily 4 me i can cry it all out, pray and be ok. i was thinking after speaking to her that maybe this festives we must just FORCE matters, plan an outing where all my family including the boyfrnd can have lunch and do activities together - But I just know this is a win-lose strategy where the rest will feel lost and only my mother happy. How can we resolve this, please help I am sooo out of ideas. Mother isnt strong enough to deal with negative critisism. Its just a huge mess the whole thing. I found myself thinking that maybe God cud take him soon(I know this is just a devil thought) but in my heart his involvement with my mother seems to be a big problem, we all dont have much access to her now, I miss the days when she' d spend a night sleeping with us in bed, or even spending the entire Xmas time with us, she doesnt want to compromise when it comes to this guy.
Any sort of advice will be highly appreciated.

Many thanks

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Answered the other time this VERY long message was posted.
It sounds as though you have drawn sensible and useful conclusions from the comments of other readers.
I like Purple's comments, too.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009-11-10

Answered the other time this VERY long message was posted.
It sounds as though you have drawn sensible and useful conclusions from the comments of other readers.
I like Purple's comments, too.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Annonymous | 2009-11-09

Thank you so much for your comments Kelly and Purple, i did think that maybe I must stop being so ridiculously considerate of her needs and being over accommodative to her when she is not returning the favour. Tried to indirectly say to her(when i heard about the moving in together) that I should still get me and my siblings a home because that 1 is too small, thats whn she said that it was temporary, that why would we choose to isolate ourselves whn we can all squeeze in there.

She became very sick both of them and couldnt take care of my baby brother(who has never seen his real daddy but is made aware that he is there somewhere), so i decided i' d take him and live with him, went up and down trying to apply 4 him 4 nxt yr, only recently she said she' s not happy about the idea. Asked if i cud have younger sister till xmas just to try and modify her life(i.e give her attention) and she made disturbing remarks that her kids have too many mothers and everybody is welcome to take them. That set me back. I' m a person who values relationships a lot and will try all for a win-win outcome, before giving up.

I do see now that mayb Its high time i started being realistic and honest to myself about things. Maybe its time to be considerate to myself and siblings and not only to my mother.
I will push to have my sister come stay with me, and Purple u r right we are still very welcome at my granny' s house for xmas.


Reply to Annonymous
Posted by: Purple | 2009-11-09

I doubt very much your sister chose to be so devious because of the home situation - she was just didn' t have enough respect for your mother to appreciate the gift of tertiary education and accommodation.

Why are you taking your mother' s inability to use contraceptives and her responsibilities onto your shoulders? She is an adult and is responsible for her own choices and their consequences. If she' s happy to have this guy sponging off her, leave her to it. No matter how much you warn her, it doesn' t sound like she is interested in listening.
If you wish to assist your siblings, then by all means do so - so long as you can afford to. Personally, if a relative of mine needs assistance, I buy the actual item for them rather than giving the cash, though my siblings generally don' t need any assistance. Sometimes though, we all chip in together with cash for something for our parents or each other.

Your visiting over holidays doesn' t mean your mother automatically has to provide you with a place to stay - stay in a guest house if she can' t fit you in.

If I were you, I' d concentrate on ensuring that I built up my savings again. You' re right, you gave them a gift of money, and although you intended your mother to build a house, she chose to use the money on something else, possibly a car, but as you say, you gave it as a gift.

Why not build up your relationship with your siblings so that you can all remain good friends and rely on each other for emotional support where you need it?

I' m not sure why you respect your mother for essentially emotionally abusing all of you by refusing to allow you to have friends or visitors. Friends are a normal and healthy part of life. It is suspicious if someone tries to cut you off from friends. If she didn' t want people visiting, that I suppose is her business as you were living under her roof, but it is a little odd. Having said that, I have a gran who refused to have visitors at her house, she insisted that she only met friends in a cafe. Our whole family still finds it funny (funny haha, and funny strange).

Hope you manage to salvage things with your siblings, but without making their problems your problems. Those who are adults are responsible for themselves.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: Kelly | 2009-11-09

Is there no way that you could have your sister saty with you?

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Kelly | 2009-11-09

What makes a mother chose a man over her own child!!!!
Its really something that upsets me!

Reply to Kelly

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.