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Question
Posted by: Nita | 2011/04/19

family

I have a family who cannot sort out their own issues without dragging me in.I have my own house My sister''s and brother rent where ever they find a place.
Every month one of them does not pay their rent and it becomes my promblem,I have to put them and thier famalies up for while weather i like it or not.If I say anything my mother is on my case.Telling me I''m selfish and I go to church but i handle my family inthis manner.I am so fed up I want to leave my house.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Unless they are regularly comitting a criminal assault, they're not LITERALLY dragging you in, and you must be allowing them to do the dragging. Your sister and brother's rent problems are theirs, and you can very clearly though pleasantly tell them that. It only becomes your problem when you allow them to shift it onto you.
And why is your mother so selfish herself, not providing the shelter and cash for her gormless kids, and expecting the hard-working one to do it all ?
From your comments, its not clear what the arrangements are - are these two leeches making you want to leave your own home ? Don't allow that. Tell them you have had to do this for them far too often, and its time they grew up and took responsibility for their own lives and their own finances. You will no longer provide them with somewhere to stay nor with money. They must stop running into such problems ( presumably they're working ? But wasting their money and not planning to pay essentials like rent ? )
Continue to lead your own life efficiently as you do, and don't waste charity on people who just can't be bothered to look after themselves.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Happiness | 2011/04/19

Trust me, the only person who can put a stop to this is you. It will never stop until just one month you flatly refuse to pay.
If you find it difficult to say " no"  just tell them you had unexpected expenses and are currently in debt trying to sort it out. Always have an excuse for not giving them money. Eventually they won''t be regarded as a reliable back up as they currently see you now.

As for your mom, ignore her comments, she is just being a mom looking out for her kids.

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: Liza | 2011/04/19

Family always seem to have the ability to tie you in knots mentally. You have to learn how to be more assertive and stop allowing them to walk all over you. By giving them a place to stay when they want it, you ensure that they''ll come back again when they have a problem again.

People need to grow up and take responsibility for themselves. If they get helped out by others every time things get tough, they will NEVER learn how to be responsible. Tell your mother that the next time she tells you that you''re selfish. Tell her that tough love is a good thing and will only benefit your siblings in the future because they''ll be FORCED to learn how to be more responsible and how to face the consequences of their own actions. Currently you''re the one facing the consequences of THEIR bad actions and that MUST change.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/04/19

Unless they are regularly comitting a criminal assault, they're not LITERALLY dragging you in, and you must be allowing them to do the dragging. Your sister and brother's rent problems are theirs, and you can very clearly though pleasantly tell them that. It only becomes your problem when you allow them to shift it onto you.
And why is your mother so selfish herself, not providing the shelter and cash for her gormless kids, and expecting the hard-working one to do it all ?
From your comments, its not clear what the arrangements are - are these two leeches making you want to leave your own home ? Don't allow that. Tell them you have had to do this for them far too often, and its time they grew up and took responsibility for their own lives and their own finances. You will no longer provide them with somewhere to stay nor with money. They must stop running into such problems ( presumably they're working ? But wasting their money and not planning to pay essentials like rent ? )
Continue to lead your own life efficiently as you do, and don't waste charity on people who just can't be bothered to look after themselves.

Reply to cybershrink

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