advertisement
Question
Posted by: Hestia | 2011/02/01

Family

Hi Doc. I need some advice. I have my whole family living with me. My parents, my two sisters and one''s child. How can I bring it accross to my sisters that they should get their own place to stay?

Last week Monday myself and the one with the child had a fall out. To make a long story short she can not afford to go on her own at this stage. She is under Debt Review and basically have no money to pay for rent too. she is staying with me for the about 4 years. She is turning 38. and I do not have any hopes that she will sort out her finances soon.

My other sister is turning 28. I did have a talk to her before. Her point of view is that she can not afford to BUY a place and she can not understand why she should RENT and pay for something that will never be hers.

The problem is that it feels like my life is slipping by. I can not invite friends over as the house are ALWAYS filled with family. I am not getting younger, 33, and I do not even have a boyfriend. How can you really get to know someone it you have NO privacy. Please help. This is driving me up the wall.

I do not mind my parents staying with me as I bought the house from them and the agreement with my father was that he will be welcome to stay there as long as he wants. Must say at that time only my dad and one sister was staying in the house. At that stage she was still in school.

Please help because at this stage it feels like I am putting everyone in front of my own life. I also want to start with a family of my own, but how to do that if I do not know where they will fit into my house ???

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Is it absolutely essential that they have no possible alternative on earth but to live with you ? Or is it simply convenient for them ? Why can't your sisters get jobs and earnings and their own places ?
And for your sister with a child - if someone can't aford to support themselves then they can't afford to have a child and should be more cautious about enabling themselves to fall pregnant. If she is staying with you, how did she run up all those debts ? And what is she spending her earnings ( if any ) on if not on cutting down her debt ?
As for the other sister, if she can afford to rent, she should rent - very many people go through life not being able to afford to buy their own place - it's not compulsory to do so. Does she pay commercially appropriate rent to you ? If not, why not ?
See a counsellor to learn asssertiveness and to make a plan, which will involve giving notice to the "I'll just hang around your neck till I can afford to buy a house" sister. And insisting on market-related rent from the other sister, and payment for using your car. That would surely be compatible with any proper debt management plan. And if she is divorced, the father of her child should be compelled by Maintenance Court to pay maintenance for the child.
They are exploiting you, shamelessly. And don't let them distract you by calling you selfish - they are so hugely selfish, they have no room to talk

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

6
Our users say:
Posted by: Hestia | 2011/02/02

hi PH. The reason I had to buy it is because my father could not afford the house anymore. Either way it had to be sold and then he would be on the street. Before I bought the house I did ask if one if them do not want to buy it. They all said they can not afford to buy the house. It was just important for me to keep the house I grew up in. We are staying there since I was 3 years old.

Reply to Hestia
Posted by: Ph | 2011/02/02

Personally i would advise against buying your parents'' house, because this is and will forever be termed " a family house"  which means that whoever, needs a safe haven can come back home. In your case, maybe you bought its because they were selling it, maybe your other sisters feel that you got it at a low amount and they were never given a chance of buying it. I do not understand why parents will sell a house to one of their kid, because its a family home. In your mind you might think its your house, but honestly speaking no kid can ever erase the memory of playing around that yard. It seems like you are doing pretty well, better than both of them, why did they not sell it to one of their kid who really needs it or is struggling?

Reply to Ph
Posted by: Curious | 2011/02/02

OMG! I have the same problem wit my sisters and the worse part is i''m the youngest but have to do everything. I came to a decision to put myself 1st before anyone else, i''d rather they say i''m selfish but i''m only a human being and i can only do so much if i can''t afford i can''t!
Please take control now before it''s too late otherwise you will end up over indebted

Reply to Curious
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/02/02

Is it absolutely essential that they have no possible alternative on earth but to live with you ? Or is it simply convenient for them ? Why can't your sisters get jobs and earnings and their own places ?
And for your sister with a child - if someone can't aford to support themselves then they can't afford to have a child and should be more cautious about enabling themselves to fall pregnant. If she is staying with you, how did she run up all those debts ? And what is she spending her earnings ( if any ) on if not on cutting down her debt ?
As for the other sister, if she can afford to rent, she should rent - very many people go through life not being able to afford to buy their own place - it's not compulsory to do so. Does she pay commercially appropriate rent to you ? If not, why not ?
See a counsellor to learn asssertiveness and to make a plan, which will involve giving notice to the "I'll just hang around your neck till I can afford to buy a house" sister. And insisting on market-related rent from the other sister, and payment for using your car. That would surely be compatible with any proper debt management plan. And if she is divorced, the father of her child should be compelled by Maintenance Court to pay maintenance for the child.
They are exploiting you, shamelessly. And don't let them distract you by calling you selfish - they are so hugely selfish, they have no room to talk

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Hestia | 2011/02/01

thank you for the reply Liza. The oldest one does not contribute AT ALL. She will just always say she does not have money. She only pays her son''s school fees and her own petrol. She is using my kar. So other than that and her medical aid she does not pay a cent. Not sure what she really owes. She just use her divorce as an exuse and that she is still paying for when she was married. This is almost 4 years ago!!!

The youngest one does pay some money however I do not know how much. She gives the money to my father and he will pay the electricity.

my father contributes the most. He pays for the groceries and I pay for the meat and other household items. Trying to renovate the house with what ever money I have.

Reply to Hestia
Posted by: Liza | 2011/02/01

Are your sisters paying rent? Or at least contributing towards electricity, rates, food etc? If they aren''t, it''s a good place to start. If they are, perhaps it''s time to increase their contributions to a market-relevant rent. (Have a look at the Junkmail website to find out how much room rentals are going for in your area.) Increasing their contributions will encourage them to find a cheaper place to stay.

If your sister is on debt-review, her debt counselor should have ensured that she still has enough money left for living expenses - which means that she should have enough for rent. If she doesn''t have enough money, she should go back to her debt counselor to restructure her debt better. The whole point of going onto debt-review is so that you DO have enough money for living expenses, so she really shouldn''t be using this as an excuse.

You''re not going to get out of this situation without a fight. So if you''re not willing to stand up to them, things will not change. This whole situation came about because you didn''t set boundaries when the sisters moved in. Setting boundaries now is definitely necessary, but it won''t be easy.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement