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Question
Posted by: Sync | 2008-11-05

Fading relationship

I have been going out with my gf for the past 6years. She is 26 and I am 41. The first three years were magical and that' s why I fell in love with her. She was warm,loving caring and communicative. The sex was also mind-blowing. The last 3years has seen this relationship falling apart. She claims that she still loves me but what she does is completely different. On three occasions she had the odacity to tell me she no longer loves me, but when I leave her she becomes so miserable at one stage she was hospitalised for depression and her mother had to intervene. I am confused by her actions. I don' t know if she is playing for time looking for someone or that she is plain stoical. We have been staying together for the past six months and the situation has become desperate. I recommended that we go for couple counselling and she refuses. I have tried all method of showing my love and devotion to her and all I get is this cold response and uncaring attitude. I have spoken to her more than a thousand times. Nothing seems to help. Should I leave or should I stay. I really love this woman, but I feel she is keeping me at her her side while looking for something better. Please help.There is more that has been happening but I don' t think I can put it all in this small space.

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Our expert says:
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I agree with your nsuggestion of couples counselling, and you should continue to recommend it. She may fear that it would be some form o coercion to push her into accepting or rejecting the relationship and interfering with her choice of dithering about it, and she should be encouraged to recognize that couples counselling is to enable you both to better understand yourselves and each other, and what's going on between you, so as to be able to make better decisions all round.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Sync | 2008-11-06

Thanks for your your responses. I will attempt to talk to her again tonite. I really want to marry her but her seemingly immature attitude comes in the way. I do not believe in divorce, so I want to make sure that when we marry it is for keeps. I will also insist in no uncertain terms that we go for counselling.I believe that would be the only way to determine whether we are compatible or not. I am sure I will keep you guys posted. I appreciate your genuine responses. Thanks a million.

Reply to Sync
Posted by: Steff | 2008-11-06

I tend to agree with Joy, have you ever spoken about marriage. Me and my boyfriend is also going out now for 4 years, and the subject just never come up, but its something I desperately want. So sideways, its not childlish to give him the cold shoulder, maybe he doesn' t want to get married, and she resents him for it. Sync, you need to have a serious talk with your gf, and pressure her into giving you a straight answer to what she really wants. Thats the only way, seeing that she doenst want couples counselling. What is she so afraid of? If she really loved and respected you, she would' ve gone a long time ago!

Reply to Steff
Posted by: sideways | 2008-11-06

Rubbish!!! She clearly has some issues that she needs to deal with and is seemingly not willing to or too afraid to. I don' t think this is her way of trying to express a desire for a greater committment, and if it is then it' s a very immature and twisted way of doing so. I think she is very confused and has no idea what she wants but obviously doesn' t want things as they are. She must either go to a psychologist or join you in couples therapy or otherwise let you be.

Reply to sideways
Posted by: Joy | 2008-11-06

She wants more than just a live-in partner..i think she' s looking for a serious commitment from you now..as in engagement and marraige..and kids..(if thats what you guys want as a couple).she' s at that age now where all her friends are doing it and chances are she wants it too. Not necessarily because of the pressures of society but also possibly because of your age. As much as you' d like to think she' s not that into you anymore, chances are she believes you' re not taking her seriously enough,which is why she' s rebelling and acting resentful toward you.

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