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Question
Posted by: MOE | 2012/03/19

Extremely at wits end

I am in a almost 9 year relationship. The only and biggest problems are my children staying with us and his not. My children gets shouted at and sweared at if they dont treat me according to his standard of no respect. His does not get this as they dont do the things mine does but the problem is he does not see them everyday so how can he judge mine so quick. Been to pshycologist and tried what he recommended. Tried trial seperation but still not improvement. Same old excuse his will not behave like mine as he will handle it by hitting them. This will never happen cause then he will never see them again and they are 2 faced when with him as they are so scared of him that they will not behave bad. Spoke to ex myself and she even confirmed how naughty and ugly his children are with her and he just says he cant do nothing as they dont behave like this with him. Is there any sense in going on with this relationship. My children are naughty but I punish them in my way and dont belief in hidings but taking away privilidges. I think they behave this way as this is the way the are continously being treated.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Parents, or any adults caring for children, must agree on a shared code of conduct for themselves and the children, with a short list of rules about important expectations, and consequences for breaking the rules.
Shoting and swearing at kids is at best entirely useless and counter-productive, and at worst, abusive. Hitting them, IS abusive, and alsto useless in improvin their behaviour - it teaches them, instead, that it's OK to hit and hurt people in order to get what you want.
I really don't see what point there would be in continuing any relationship with someone so incompatible and unable to properly care for children, whether his or yours. The kids needs and best interests must be paramount

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: moe | 2012/03/22

Thanks for the wonderfull advise. I agree with all of you. All I want is for my children to be diciplined in a nice manner. Take priviliges away. Talk hard and serious to them but dont swear at them and carry on about the smallest stupid things. It is HOW he handles things that gets to me and even if it is a father or stepfather no parent must sweat at their children. i have decided to give it on last go and if things dont change i WILL leave and do what is best for me and my children.

Reply to moe
Posted by: Phil | 2012/03/20

Maria  I''m with you on this one. I''m a single parent too.

Guess the original post just got my blood boiling really fast. Kids didn''t ask to be here, and some other person treating another persons kids as badly as in MOE''s case, just gets me going.

Personally, any parent exposing their kids to this type of treatment are also guilty of child abuse.

Reply to Phil
Posted by: Bongi | 2012/03/20

Being a single mother myself - I am with Maria on this one.

Reply to Bongi
Posted by: Maria | 2012/03/20

We will have to disagree Phil. Children are disciplined by different people in their lives, in the sense of boundaries being drawn and enforced - teachers, sports coaches, grandparents, friends'' parents... I guess it depends on what you understand by discipline. Being a single parent is hard, and I feel that if there is another adult in the house who can back you up, that is a good thing as long as you are in agreement on how things are done. I''m not talking about stepfather hitting children while mom stands crying in the corner, that''s abuse. I''m talking about stepfather being an additional authority figure when it is appropriate. Besides, what happens when he is alone with the kids? Must he then just let them do whatever they want because he is not allowed to enforce boundaries? Or threaten to tell mom when she gets home? Especially with young kids that''s not very effective.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Phil | 2012/03/20

Maria  you are completely wrong.

A step parent has no right to dissipline another man/womans children. A parent  has no right to give her/his new husband/wife the right to punish someone elses child.

That is  the job of the childrens real parents. Obviously where one parent has died, or is completely missing in the kids lives things could be handled diffirent.

Reply to Phil
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/03/20

Parents, or any adults caring for children, must agree on a shared code of conduct for themselves and the children, with a short list of rules about important expectations, and consequences for breaking the rules.
Shoting and swearing at kids is at best entirely useless and counter-productive, and at worst, abusive. Hitting them, IS abusive, and alsto useless in improvin their behaviour - it teaches them, instead, that it's OK to hit and hurt people in order to get what you want.
I really don't see what point there would be in continuing any relationship with someone so incompatible and unable to properly care for children, whether his or yours. The kids needs and best interests must be paramount

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Maria | 2012/03/19

He should only discipline your children in ways that are acceptable to you, and if you give him the right to do so. If you cannot between the two of you come to an understanding and agreement about the children, then you need to put their needs first.

Reply to Maria

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