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Question
Posted by: M | 2010/02/01

Extra marital affairs

Having recently found out that my husband had an affair has made me think a lot about the subject. From your experience from dealing with the after effects from infidelity, would you be able to tell me if its more likely that men or women have affairs, and if there has been a history of an affair what are the chances that it would happen again if the marriage wasnt ended because of it.

Do you think this is a valid point: if a husband works away for a lengthy period of time and has an affair - it isnt the fact that there is something lacking at home, but he misses the affection / normality of home life and needs someone to fill the gap at the time??? Have you heard this explanation as to a reason why it happened??

Obviously I am still going through a lot of issues and have to clear some things in my mind.

Thank you cs.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Very interesting questions, for which there are, alas, no very interesting answers.
Except for gay relationships, evry man or woman who has an affair, has it with a woman or a man, so I'd guess the sex incidence of those involved in affairs is about equal. Their lover may or may not be maried, but clear numbers are not available.
And in individual cases, of course, it really wouldn't mattter what the broad statistics might say - what matters is what YOUR husband or wife did, and with whom, and why, and with what impact.
Again, generalisations are tempting and unhelpful. What matters to each affected person is whether it will be repeated in THIS relationship. Certainly many marriages break up over infidelity ; quite a number heal, some run into later epsides of infidelity and some don't - again, it depends entirely on the individuals involved, and on whether they work with good advice on mending the marriage, or just try to ignore what happened and carry on.
The sort of affair you describe in situations where one spouse is away from home for an extended period certainly occurs, and may indeed, represent an event less likely to be repeated than if it occurs while the spouses are living together. It might be like what gets called Facultative Homosexuality, where some men ( or women ) during a prison sentence, may dabble in homosexual activity, as no other variety is available to them, and which they may never repeat after release from jail.
But all generalisations are dodgy except this one !

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/02/01

Very interesting questions, for which there are, alas, no very interesting answers.
Except for gay relationships, evry man or woman who has an affair, has it with a woman or a man, so I'd guess the sex incidence of those involved in affairs is about equal. Their lover may or may not be maried, but clear numbers are not available.
And in individual cases, of course, it really wouldn't mattter what the broad statistics might say - what matters is what YOUR husband or wife did, and with whom, and why, and with what impact.
Again, generalisations are tempting and unhelpful. What matters to each affected person is whether it will be repeated in THIS relationship. Certainly many marriages break up over infidelity ; quite a number heal, some run into later epsides of infidelity and some don't - again, it depends entirely on the individuals involved, and on whether they work with good advice on mending the marriage, or just try to ignore what happened and carry on.
The sort of affair you describe in situations where one spouse is away from home for an extended period certainly occurs, and may indeed, represent an event less likely to be repeated than if it occurs while the spouses are living together. It might be like what gets called Facultative Homosexuality, where some men ( or women ) during a prison sentence, may dabble in homosexual activity, as no other variety is available to them, and which they may never repeat after release from jail.
But all generalisations are dodgy except this one !

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