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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2010-09-07

Explode

I''m on the verge of exploding...
My wife is just not interested in sex. She just ignores that fact that i have needs.. I have now had it.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

A lack of sexual desire is often a complaint by one the partners and there can be several reasons for it – medically (chronic diseases); medication; physical – exhaustion, hormones, stress, etc.; psychological and or emotional either individual reasons or couple dynamic reasons. Furthermore scientists also found that there is a disparity of sexual responses between men and women – Men tend to have more of a physical and psychological need and desire for sex than women. It might be a good idea to start looking at the obvious – physical factors and work through all the possibilities up to the emotional and psychological dynamic between the two of you. The longer couples are together the more water runs under the bridge and the more we tend to get used to one another. One often needs to rekindle the connection – especially the love and intimacy connection. You are welcome to visit our website – www.shuttledirect.co.za to read up a bit more on lack of sexual desire; sexual response disparity and some useful exercises you and your partner could engage in.

You are welcome to phone our helpline – 0860100262 where you could be assisted in finding a practitioner as close as possible to you.
Furthermore you are welcome to visit the following website for any more sexual health information and assignments that could be helpful: www.sexualhealth.co.za

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: steve | 2010-09-15

Hi Woman –  many thanks for all the great advise. Probably some of the best I have received.

What it basically boils down to is that sex is a very strong driver –  and is very entrenched in many of us. I don’ t claim to have a very high sex drive, but do honestly believe there is a lot of different things to enjoy in sex.

Over the last 20 years I have tried everything I can think of to try and get the sex variations back to what we BOTH enjoyed before and after we were married. Nothing has worked, and my wife remains the only one totally satisfied.

In all honesty to myself I have to say my conscious is clear in that I have given and done more than was fair. The marriage contract was made under certain understandings of what we both enjoyed, even though it was never written down. I have kept my side of the partnership, and tried to compromise where she has not. I can not see why I need to give up things because she has a change of desire. We only have one life –  there is no second chance to get it right the next time.

You talk about the consequences of leaving. If I had to sit her down and tell her that I want out, it would not end well. There would be distress and I would loose a lot financially. If I get caught –  there will be a lot of distress and I would loose a lot financially. As I see it why cause problems when there is always a chance things might come right ! 20 years has been a long time, but I always hold hope.

Thanks again for all the advice –  I will be posting something on the above lines shortly to see the response of everyone.

Reply to steve
Posted by: Woman | 2010-09-15

Steve, I am very sorry to hear of the troubles. In my opinion, you have done everything you possibly can do to make your marriage a place where your wife is satisfied and happy. You have done everything and even went the extra couple of miles.

Your question " Does a marriage partner have the right to stop doing something without discussing it, and expect the other person to just accept it ?"  in my opinion it is unforgivable and extremely selfish to do something like that. Especially where sexuality is concerned. Surely your wife knew what your libido is like and what your tastes were sexually when she married you. That to is part of the vows. I just wonder whether she actually sees anything you do for her. I know many married women (myself included) who would be so thankful for just a single one of those gestures she regularly writes off as nothing.

Steve, you say that you get the sex you want elsewhere. I''ll tell you now that if and when that happens she will be the injured party. She will be full of righteous anger, she will probably be very deeply hurt, she will probably sue you and end the marriage, your kids will be angry at you until they understand one day.

I believe in honesty above all, and I believe she has the right to know what the reactions to her actions will be. My husband and I have agreed to a monogamous relationship now, but we also know that it might change one day. We agreed that we would discuss the need for an open marriage if it comes up one day. It''s not nice or romantic, but it''s the smart thing to do.

I can''t make your choices a, b, or c for you, but I understand your frustration.If i had to make the choice, I would try honesty regarding an open relationship if that doesn''t work, I would leave. But that''s just because I''d rather be 100% happy on my own than 50% happy with someone.

I know a few women like your wife. Nothing will change her because she''s happy. In a selfish, self-absorbed way.


Good luck, Steve, you are a good man.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: steve | 2010-09-14

Hi Woman. Again what you say is true, and I am glad to see my line of thought was not incorrect. What I need is a totally different approach –  something that will work.

A couple of things that I have done recently :

Firstly - My wife actually asked me to write down exactly what I want about a year ago. She was not prepared to sit and discuss it. I thought about it, and realized writing a list of demands was wrong. Instead I wrote her a long letter about how I longed to be able to talk to her about things that were important to me. Also about how we should be growing and experimenting with different things. I did stress that although there were new things that I would love to do with her, it was important to first revisit the things we used to do when we were first married. I stressed that anything would be done at her own pace, and she would decide how to go about it. The main theme throughout the five page letter was about how important she was to me and how it was important to share and discuss things. Even if I only had a 10% say, it would be a start. She took the letter away and read it, and I have never asked her about it again.

Secondly - I have taken her away on weekends and romantic holidays often. During these times away I have made a point never to ask for anything, and left it up to her, hoping she would feel more like asking me what I wanted. Al that happens is the sex get better and she becomes more satisfied –  but I am still offered nothing.. Sometimes, normally a few weeks after we get back, I will ask why she does not use those opportunities to share with me and let me try things with her while we are away –  Straight away ends in an argument, and I am accused of only taking her away because I want things my way ! (Same reasoning if I buy her flowers / gifts / etc)

Thirdly –  Toys. How do you even bring up this subject with her background. Afew months ago I had what I thought was a bright idea. The simplest and easiest thing to introduce her to would be lubricant. Well that did not go down well. She says that we are both wet enough (which is very true), and loves the touch of natural body fluids. I tried to explain that I would love her to touch me using a lubricant, but she said no. She said she is happy with what she has, and she does not need it. Trying to explain it was mainly for my pleasure, and she did not need to get any on her did not work.

OK –  so that is the long sad story.

I have a wife I love, who is totally enthralled in her own sexual satisfaction. I get regular sex with her, but can not share with her the things I enjoy. I have tried communication, begging, threatening etc –  nothing works. This has been going on for nearly 20 years.

Does a marriage partner have the right to stop doing something without discussing it, and expect the other person to just accept it ?

All sexologists say :
a) Communicate
b) See a therapist
What happens when the partner refuses because they can not see a problem, and insist that because I have the problem then I must sort it out ?


So the question remains –  Do I have the right to consider the sexual acts that she does not want to do (and that she used to love doing when we first got married) as no longer part of our marriage ? And if they are not part of the marriage, must I either a) forget about them and give up something that is important to me, or b) Leave the marriage and al the good things with it, or c) look else where for anything that is no part of the marriage ?

Reply to steve
Posted by: Woman | 2010-09-14

Hi Steve, and sorry for the delay. I wanted to ask you whether you have considered writing her a letter. If you can tell her in concise, but loving words how sexy you think she is, how much you love making love to her, you reallly miss her naughty side. Tell her that it is as if a part of her is missing. Tell her her how it hurts you and that you miss her - the full, sexual, experimental her and that it agony to live with her and know what she is capable of doing to you and you to her. Tell her that you should be having the best sex ever, because you know each other, trust each other and love each other. Then leave her with the letter, don''t discuss if you know it will cause a fight. Just keep being your loving self.In fact, spoil her just a little more. She need to know you''re not rejecting her or her style of love making, All you want is a little more.

Save up, and when you can afford it, take her on a second honeymoon. Go somewhere were it will just be the two of you, like an island. Pack a few extra gifts in your luggage - handcuffs, satin scarves, lingerie, toys. Make her a little drunk (so she can let go of all those inhibitions) on your first night there, tie her up and give her the best oral orgasm she''s had in years. untie her, hold her compliment her profusely... and your tone isset for a beautiful , exploratory holiday with your wife.

When you get back home, buy a black satin box and put all your playthings in there and lock it and hide it from the kids. she will like that you keep it private. Then take it out as and when needed.

Think that may work?

Reply to Woman
Posted by: steve | 2010-09-10

Hi Woman. What you say is true. I have tried to tell her that we should be growing in our sex life –  not going backwards. She says she loves having sex with me, and I can see she is not reserved in what she does. Part of the problem is that she enjoys the sex too much, and loves certain positions. It is the same in when she goes to a restaurant. She will always order something that she knows she loves, and won’ t try something different.. Same with sex –  once we start she has to have specific things done. Any change will totally spoil everything –  and will end in a fight. She also finds it very difficult to do anything sexually without wanting to go the whole way. So once any sexual activity starts I have to do it her way –  or argue and loose everything.

Does this make sense ? Please continue with what you were saying, as I am sure it will all tie together.

Reply to steve
Posted by: Woman | 2010-09-10

Steve, I am sorry that you have such a dilemma. I know that a once in a lifetime love makes every other thing in the universe seem insignificant. So I know you love your wife. I would like to share a few things with you and maybe you can come away from this with a little more knowledge and understanding of womanhood and how it changes over time. Maybe these insights can help you. (maybe not, but why not try?)

You have a dilemma that many couples have after being together for a long time: Vanilla sex. Vanilla sex comes with a vanilla life., where everything is as it should be. You have a house, 2.5 children, a lawnmower, a braai, your wife is settled in her life as a mother and a wife and she has become the picture of what a middle aged woman should be - happy, but unexciting in the bedroom. She probably believes that you are in the wrong about this, because she does have sex with you after all, and, as you said, it is satisfying.

So you met a wild cat, loved her, married her and had kids with her. She married a stud and a good provider and then she became a mom. And the older the kids got, the more she became a mom and the less she was that wild cat.

And now the thought of her kids thinking she''s a wildcat makes her a little ill. When she was pregnant, nurses and doctors stared and poked at the previous tunnel of pleasure. Babies came out of there. Many women, having grown up in conservative homes, have a vestige of conservatism left in them, and in times of stress it comes out. And sometimes it doesn''t go away again.

Or it becomes worse over time - like she used to love lingerie, but all you''ve seen for years, are sensible cotton knickers? And because she truly believes that she''s doing enough for you.

Am I on the right track, Steve, because I have more to say, but if I''m wrong, I should approach from a different angle. If this is the case, I have some suggestions for you.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: steve | 2010-09-09

Hi Woman - it is a long story that I have tried to make head or tail of over the years. I will try give you the basics, but I am sure that will also be long. I really wish someone could help me before I go mad and explode !

I am 50 and married for just over 20 years. Before I was married I had a few girlfriends at different times, and knew what I wanted in a wife and what I enjoyed sexually. I met my wife and we got on very well and were very well sexually compatible. She enjoyed everything I enjoyed, such as caressing her body, 69s and other orals, touching and a few other fetishes.

All went well after we were married until we had kids. We both shared the duty of looking after the babies with her generally looking after them during the day and I would look after them at night so she could sleep. Even though she was tired she still had a strong desire for sex, although the variations in what and how we did it reduced. I kept quiet about it for three years, as I believed it was temporary because she was tired and that things would improve as the kids got older. Sex was still frequent (about 4 to 5 times a week) although she went off any oral pleasure, including caressing etc.

After three years I started to ask her about it. She said she never used to do those sort of things. She honestly believed she never had oral sex or 69 etc. I tried to talk to her often about it, but she refused to discuss it. It got worse and worse over the years, and got to the stage about 10 years ago that she would through a tantrum if I even just mentioned the word sex. I have suggested that we just talk with no actions. Suggested we do things fully clothed. Suggested we do things at a pace that would suit her. Suggested we go and see some professional. Every time met with the same response that it is my problem and I must deal with it. She has not got a problem.

As I said before –  I have tried talking, dried discussions, tried compromising, tried everything –  but only turns into a huge argument each time.

OK –  heres the problem : I love her very much and she loves me. We get on very well together. We do everything together from shopping to housework etc., and love going out together for meals, walks and holidays. are still very sexually active after 20 years of marriage, and make love between 2 and 4 times a week. She is confident with her body, and we often walk around the house naked, and sleep naked. We are very lucky in that we always climax together. And she comes away very satisfied.

Here is my problem –  Do you have any idea what it is like top be with someone you love and desire, but can’ t satisfy your sexual desires ? For 20 years now I would love to carress and kiss her breasts, and run my tongue down her body and feel and taste her clitoris. Do you know what it feels like to land in a huge argument if you even bring up the subject –  no matter where or when ? Have tried to broach the subject in the bed room, as well as during quiet walks in the bush, during holidays away, during meals at restaurants etc. Always an argument.

As I has blogged before –  What right has a partner to take away from you, your sexual desires that she enjoyed with you before you were married ? One of the reasons I chose her to be my wife was because we were sexually compatible, and this remained so for the early part of our marriage. I can not just turn off my desire to want to carress her breasts etc. And why should I ? Why can’ t she compromise and at least try do it for me ? I know that would be terrible, as I never expect any woman to do any sexual act that they are not totally happy with. At least try !

You ask why I don’ t leave. I am caught between being with someone I love and want to be with , and sexual desires that I don’ t see why I should give up. I have only one life to live and must make sure that I am happy in my life.

In my mind I have realized that certain sexual acts are not part of our marriage. After many years I have realized that I am therefore entitled to get those things elsewhere. If I do not go elsewhere for them I will not ever get them. I would hate to get old one day and look back on my life and say –  Life and sex was out there, but I missed out on it because my wife would not communicate with me about it.

If, or when, I get caught out one day, I will face the consequences, and leave if I have to. But at least I can look back and say I gave her every chance. I would far rather be intimate and passionate with my wife rather than someone else, but I realized years ago that was not going to happen. I still ask at least once a week for the opportunity to discuss ding things differently when having sex, but the same answer and argument always follows. I want to be with my wife only, but that option is not available.

Reply to steve
Posted by: Woman | 2010-09-09

Steve, I have followed your posts over time and if you don''t mind, I want to ask you some questions.What is it about the wife and your marriage that makes you want to stay with her? Is it that you truly love her or that you''re afraid that she''ll clean you out if you divorce? Is it the children? Are you afraid that you might take the step and leave her and then end up alone? I''m just trying to make sense here..

Reply to Woman
Posted by: steve | 2010-09-08

Believe me - I have spent 20 years from stage 1 to 6.

The option of marriage councillor is out - as I said before in another posting - most (99%) of partners will not go to councelling for something they do not believe is their problem. We are told to sort it out ourselves.

And yes - 6 definitely comes before 7 while there is hope of saving the marriage.

After 20 years of trying - I will still live in hope of saving it.

I wish women saw it that way.

Reply to steve
Posted by: Jox | 2010-09-08

Excellent reply Steve, Im married for 11years now and am at step 6. A man can only do that much.

Reply to Jox
Posted by: haley | 2010-09-07

Sometimes being direct with my husband does''t help he still doesn''t seem to want to wake up and start pleasing me too. What do you do then? how many times should you talk to him about it?

Reply to haley
Posted by: Woman | 2010-09-07

You know Steve, it is very true, but also very sad. When you reach no.7, then at least you know that you have tried everything else. Everybody deserves to live a live where their basic needs are being met. Not having sex is an important one.

Where is " see a marriage/sex Councillor" , It should be step 2, else you have not done enough. The best thing you can do for yourself, is to preserve your integrity and 7 before 6, because when you''ve reached 6, or the probability thereof, your marriage is dead. Then rather to start over, don''t you think?

Reply to Woman
Posted by: steve | 2010-09-07

These are the steps i followed (and ladies please note most men also do these steps - be warned)
1 talking and ask
2 discuss problem
3 compromise
4 beg
5 threaten
6 get sex elsewhere
7 leave

How far are you (or your husband) down the list ?

Remember no man wants to go past item 1

Reply to steve
Posted by: Chris | 2010-09-07

Anon I know how you feel!!!! No sex for more than a year!!! She just says she is not interested anymore! I SUSPECT THERE IS SOMEONE AGAIN!! And if I go somewhere else? Guess who will be cruisified?

Reply to Chris
Posted by: Woman | 2010-09-07

Why do you think she''s entering early menopause? If it is that, there are several hormone replacement therapies available. Many women who go through menopause also get depressive episodes and that can also lower the libido. Can you talk to her about seeing a gynae with who she can be honest (about the sex life?) Does she know how you feel about the sex issue? What is her response? Are your kids above the age of 5?

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Anon | 2010-09-07

Woman...
Married for 10 yrs. Kids yes.
I think its b''cos of her going into early menopause... but surely something can be done..
Is it not in the mind as well..

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Woman | 2010-09-07

Can you give a little more information - maybe we can offer some opinions? How long have you been married? Have you got kids? How long has she not been interested? Did a life event cause this that you know of?

Reply to Woman
Posted by: greek god | 2010-09-07

Wan kin is not the capital of China

Reply to greek god
Posted by: sexologist | 2010-09-07

A lack of sexual desire is often a complaint by one the partners and there can be several reasons for it – medically (chronic diseases); medication; physical – exhaustion, hormones, stress, etc.; psychological and or emotional either individual reasons or couple dynamic reasons. Furthermore scientists also found that there is a disparity of sexual responses between men and women – Men tend to have more of a physical and psychological need and desire for sex than women. It might be a good idea to start looking at the obvious – physical factors and work through all the possibilities up to the emotional and psychological dynamic between the two of you. The longer couples are together the more water runs under the bridge and the more we tend to get used to one another. One often needs to rekindle the connection – especially the love and intimacy connection. You are welcome to visit our website – www.shuttledirect.co.za to read up a bit more on lack of sexual desire; sexual response disparity and some useful exercises you and your partner could engage in.

You are welcome to phone our helpline – 0860100262 where you could be assisted in finding a practitioner as close as possible to you.
Furthermore you are welcome to visit the following website for any more sexual health information and assignments that could be helpful: www.sexualhealth.co.za

Reply to sexologist

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