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Question
Posted by: Hestia | 2012/10/22

Expectations

My boyfriend and I are now dating for 15 months and living together for 8 months. He is divorced now for almost 4 years. Last week Monday he and his ex wive and ex mother in law had to take his son for some medical test. He was diagnosed with Abscence Epilepsy.

My first concern is that I was not asked if I would like to join? I would not have gone however I would have appreciated to be considdered seing that I am involved when his son is at our house.

My second concern is that I asked him nicely to keep me updated. They arrived at the hosptital and started doing the test at 10:30. however I only heard again from him after 16:00. He said they were busy with test and I can not expect him to bb me CONSTANTLY when he is in the doctors room. That is not what I expected. He was upset because I would not answer him when he bb''ed me at 16:00. It feels to me that if he needs to talk I must be available for him.

However this weekend I found out that they went for breakfast togethere between the time they went for the scans and before they were consulting the doctor. My point is that he could have surely taken 2 minutes during the time to contact me and just said what is going on. He clearly had between 30 to 45 minutes to go have breakfast but not even a minute for me??? Or do I not matter????

Yes I am very worried that going through this now will push them closer together. I constantly feel that it is between them because it is THEIR child. This weekend his son was spending time with us. I was good enough to look after him during this time, make sure he took his meds and so forth. So I am good enough to do that because he had a hangover but I am not worth concidering when it comes to other important stuff in his sons live. I had to do research on the internet regarding his illness because I was not there when the dr explained everything to them. How can I be expected to look after and care for his son if I do not know what to expect?

Maybe I am just overly sensitive.



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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Isn't it likely that he felt the sick chiold was primarily a concern to himself and the child's mother ( and, of course, the child, and who the child would have wanted around ) ? And surely your own experience has been similar, when you take a child to a specialist / hospital, it takes ages, most of which is spent waiting. The test in a case like this would probably have included an EEG, which takes quite a time ro perform thoroughly, and then takes quite a time for the right specialist to have the time to read the great lengths of paper it produes, to interpret the results, and then discuss these with the parents. 10.30 to 4 sounds about routine. During that time one is waiting, anxious, bored, irritable, but there really is NOTHING to report to anyone else.
Was it really an issue of him expecting you to be available at the click o a finger, or that he was only free to contact you when outside the doctor's office and with some actual news, at 4, when you were sulking and didn't want to speak to him ? IF they had a short break to have breakfast, that would have been at a time when there was absolutely no news to give you.
I'm troubled that you seem to have turned this whole episode in which the parents must have been very worried about the child, into something about YOU.
You seem to fel as though the child is a rival to you. When you form a relationship with someone who has a child, it is inevitable, unless they are a careless and uncaring person, that they will keep a bond with the child, and, in relation to the child, with that child's other parent. If you can't accept that, don't form a relationship with anoyone with a child.
Sorry, but I do think you are being over-sensitive, and maybe this reflects a more important fact, that you don't feel confident and secure in this relationship. And these reactions you had won't have helped to make things more secure.
Yes, it would have been wise for them to have taken the time to share with you whatever the doctolf them about how to care for the child - though often parents are so anxious that they don't remember most of the details discussed then, which is why I like the doc to give them all the important information also in writing.
If you want a relationship with someone who has a child, accept the child and be happy to share care for it, or find someone else.
OK, again, when you refer to him being too drunk or hungover to properl;y care for his child, that's very unfortunate. And needs to be dealt with in its own right - its an issue of problem drinking, and possibly of relative neglect of a child.
If he is relying on you not to share care, but to carry most of the burden while he gets drunk, that's irresponsible and unacceptable.

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2012/10/22

On the one hand I feel you sound a bit insecure. Being in a hospital while tests are being done on your child for a serious illness is not a time when you want to communicate with people who are not there.

On the other hand, your boyfriend is using you. It''s totally unacceptable that he expects you to care for his child because he is too irresponsible to do so, and then he doesn''t even give you the information you need. I wonder how he would feel if you contacted the child''s mother and asked for this information, in the child''s best interests?

Your boyfriend sounds immature and irresponsible... what is the attraction? If you really want to cut him some slack I suppose you could say that he doesn''t know how to handle his son''s condition, it is hard for him to deal with and he is doing so very badly. However that is not an excuse. How does he run the rest of his life?

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Hestia | 2012/10/22

I even had to count his seizures and what times he got it. Really? I am constantly reminded it is HIS child. WHY should I be made responsible to look after HIS child when HE is too darn lazy or drunk to do it?????

I just want to feel appreciated. I do everything for his child when he is at our home. Why am I treated like I don''t matter??? And I told him he is pushing me away and he is not listening to me. Does not seem like it is making any difference to him. He still does like he wants to when he wants to. So what is the use me asking, begging and figthing if he listens to nothing

Reply to Hestia
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/10/22

Isn't it likely that he felt the sick chiold was primarily a concern to himself and the child's mother ( and, of course, the child, and who the child would have wanted around ) ? And surely your own experience has been similar, when you take a child to a specialist / hospital, it takes ages, most of which is spent waiting. The test in a case like this would probably have included an EEG, which takes quite a time ro perform thoroughly, and then takes quite a time for the right specialist to have the time to read the great lengths of paper it produes, to interpret the results, and then discuss these with the parents. 10.30 to 4 sounds about routine. During that time one is waiting, anxious, bored, irritable, but there really is NOTHING to report to anyone else.
Was it really an issue of him expecting you to be available at the click o a finger, or that he was only free to contact you when outside the doctor's office and with some actual news, at 4, when you were sulking and didn't want to speak to him ? IF they had a short break to have breakfast, that would have been at a time when there was absolutely no news to give you.
I'm troubled that you seem to have turned this whole episode in which the parents must have been very worried about the child, into something about YOU.
You seem to fel as though the child is a rival to you. When you form a relationship with someone who has a child, it is inevitable, unless they are a careless and uncaring person, that they will keep a bond with the child, and, in relation to the child, with that child's other parent. If you can't accept that, don't form a relationship with anoyone with a child.
Sorry, but I do think you are being over-sensitive, and maybe this reflects a more important fact, that you don't feel confident and secure in this relationship. And these reactions you had won't have helped to make things more secure.
Yes, it would have been wise for them to have taken the time to share with you whatever the doctolf them about how to care for the child - though often parents are so anxious that they don't remember most of the details discussed then, which is why I like the doc to give them all the important information also in writing.
If you want a relationship with someone who has a child, accept the child and be happy to share care for it, or find someone else.
OK, again, when you refer to him being too drunk or hungover to properl;y care for his child, that's very unfortunate. And needs to be dealt with in its own right - its an issue of problem drinking, and possibly of relative neglect of a child.
If he is relying on you not to share care, but to carry most of the burden while he gets drunk, that's irresponsible and unacceptable.

Reply to cybershrink

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