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Question
Posted by: Karen | 2011-05-19

Exes

Do you think it''s ok for your husband to be in contact with his ex girlfriend? Ive told my husband that Im not ok with it and Im not in touch with my exes because I dont think its healthy.

He told his ex that she must not message him because its not fair to me, but Im still seeing messages come through. At one stage he changed her name in his phone contact list so that I wouldn''t see her name come up on the screen. When I found out and spoke to him about it, he said it was because he didn''t want to hurt me. But the lie hurt even more.

I think this girl is dangerous and gave him a very hard time in their on and off relationship of three years. I dont want this to interfere with our marriage. I love my husband dearly and although I trust him, I do not trust her.

Do you have any advice for me? Thank you

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

It depends on what you mean by contact !
Ordinarily I would see no acceptable need for him to contact his ex, if she genuinely is an ex. That he was sneaky about changing the name so as not to reveal her contacts with him is surely suspicious. Hiding her name was not done to stop you from being hurt - refraining from contacting her in any way would have very adequately prrotected you from being hurt. It was sneaky, not kindly.
And you are describing a guy being persistently sneaky in a way that declares that he is up to something. It should be very difficult indeed to trust a husband who behaves in this way about a previous girlfriend.
Insist that he see a marriage counsellor with you, and come clean about this ongoing relationship about which he is being so persistently sneaky

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Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2011-05-19

And whatever you do - don''t ''confront'' him with the evidence (if any is found). You really need to be calm when you have the discussion with him, else he will just get defensive - whether there is truly a problem or not. If you''re calm and not accusing and he still gets defensive - then you know that there is something more than meets the eye. Even if the ex lives in a different country, plane tickets are very cheap nowadays, especially to someone earning dollars instead of rands.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Karen | 2011-05-19

Thank you for your comments and suport. Yes, he has always been protective of his phone. I do have access to his email and facebook, and there has never been anything there that is untoward. His ex is living in a different country, so they wouldn''t be able to ''see'' each other. I think it''s just the occasional sms. But I think that even that is unhealthy and I don''t agree with it at all.

I used to stay in contact with an ex boyfriend while I was in a previous relationship, and I know the effect it caused. I was never 100% committed and I don''t want the same thing to happen here.

Thank you again.

Reply to Karen
Posted by: Romany | 2011-05-19

Let us know, we are here to support you.
Has he always been so protective of his phone?
Look, to save everyone pain and suffering, if you suspect he is fooling around, it is always better to just hire a Private detective and get it over with.
They somehow get access to phone and e-mail records without a problem and solve things for you very fast.
At the end of the day if you love hour husband, it is to your benefit to find these things out asap (if there are things to find out), address it, sort it out and move on.
By turning a blind eye and speculating, nothing will get solved.
Men are vulnarable and women are evil.
I amnot speculating when I tell you these things, I have been there....

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Karen | 2011-05-19

Well, I''ll take a look at his messages when he''s in the bathroom tomorrow morning. That''s the only time he leaves his phone unattended. I''ll make a note of the number, and I''ll call it up.

Then I''ll speak to him.

Reply to Karen
Posted by: Gogga | 2011-05-19

A better alternative would be to gather more evidence first,. You know, (and with all due respect to the very few men that do not fall in this category...) men will ALWAYS deny and always turn the blame on you, so I would like to suggest that you get some more evidence first.
Does he get a cell phone statement? Check the dialed numbers on the statement.
Do you have access to his e-mail? His facebook? Microsoft messaging? etc etc. It is sad but it is true. Without evidence he will just take better care in future to hide whatever he is hiding from you. So, take your time....
It is always better to present your case with concrete evidence.
Then another thing (and this you can do while you are on your " investigation" ). Take his cellphone when a message comes from her, dial the number and tell her to back off or she will find herself slapped with a summons for trying to break up your marraige. Do this in front of him..... as he feels nothing for her, this should not anger him.
Stay calm, be rational, where there is smoke there is normally a fire.

Reply to Gogga
Posted by: bart | 2011-05-19

I had this with my wife, now ex-wife. There is no easy way to do this. just come out and ask him why he persists in keeping contact with her. He will come up with excuses but believe me, don''t accept any of them. tell him he is married now and his loyalty should be 100% for you, he should hide nothing from you, and if he is not prepared to step up and do this, he should get out. He will whine and carry on and then you will suggest counselling and he will lie to the counsellor and so it goes on...

Reply to bart
Posted by: Karen | 2011-05-19

Yeah, that''s what I thought. Well, I''m going to bring this up again this evening. But Im just not sure how to go about it.

Reply to Karen
Posted by: Romany | 2011-05-19

I agree with Wifey. This is not on.
If she SMS'' him on his mobile it is likely she e-mails and phones him at work.
No, I woud put a stop to this immediately if I were you.
If he could lie about this and make the effort tochange the name on his mobile, he has something to hide without a doubt.
You should not turn a blind eye to this as he will misread this as havingpermission from you to continue the relationship.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: wifey | 2011-05-19

He must just stop if he is committesd to your marriage. Men sometimes they like to have bread buttered in both sides, of which its not fari..

For me I dnt buy it, a married man must not have a relationship with the ex, if there is one then it means its highly that there are still seeing each other period!!

Reply to wifey
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-05-19

It depends on what you mean by contact !
Ordinarily I would see no acceptable need for him to contact his ex, if she genuinely is an ex. That he was sneaky about changing the name so as not to reveal her contacts with him is surely suspicious. Hiding her name was not done to stop you from being hurt - refraining from contacting her in any way would have very adequately prrotected you from being hurt. It was sneaky, not kindly.
And you are describing a guy being persistently sneaky in a way that declares that he is up to something. It should be very difficult indeed to trust a husband who behaves in this way about a previous girlfriend.
Insist that he see a marriage counsellor with you, and come clean about this ongoing relationship about which he is being so persistently sneaky

Reply to cybershrink

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