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Question
Posted by: BAD VIBE | 2011/11/15

Ex spouse acting like relative.....

I am in a new happy relationship with a great man. The relationship he has with his highschool teenagers is great, and he gets along with my teenagers aswell. The mother of his kids re married, and they have been divorced for 11 years. My man has no close relatives, and it seems as if the x wife keeps my man close for all kinds of favours and her own problems not concerning their kids. Even the x in laws keep in touch, and if I must say, call him constantly to visit or pick up the drycleaning or do shopping for them etc etc.. The x wives hubby seems to be " dont care"  about everything.
I am not a horrible person and agree that it is good to have a good relationship for the sake of the children, but it seems to be going a little bit too far now with plans to get together for new years and braais etc. It would make me feel uncomfortable and out if they discuss their past, and past friends because I did not have a part in it.
This is new to me, cause although I also have a good relationship with my x (the father of my children), we dont do friendly get togethers, only when it is a wedding of a child or baptism of a grandchild I would say.
Please tell me if this is normal, is this healthy for a new relationship? It feels as if the whole x family dont want to let go, and I have my own circle of family and friends that would gladly except my man into our circle. This then limits time spent with the x family, but then they would call and enquire why is he so quiet and even make him feel slightly guillty for neglecting them.
What can I do, or how should I handle this. I know myself, and what I know is that it is not going to work for me this way. I dont mind being friendly and polite, but TOOO close to the X factors make me uncomfortable.
PLEASE ADVISE......AND THANK YOU!!!!!!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sounds like he's being used by his ex and ex-inlaws ? Its nice to be friendly, but occasional halping out should go both ways, surely. Ex wife's hubby probably doesn't care because he doesn't see it as anything threatening, and it saves him work ! And picking up dry-cleaning, etc., is PETTY, and shows no respect for him at all. And its disrespectful towards you and your marriage, too.
Of course you're not a horrible person. This is not a good idea, at all. They need to learn that for him to lead his own life, and also to enjoy his own wife and family, is not to neglect them. It's OVER for the previous relationship, and unfair for them to have and to express expectations like this.
Presumably you have calmly discussed this with your husband, who, while he may not be bothered by this, should recognize that it is very reasonable for you to be bothered by it. If this is not something you have been able to work out between you with good will, maybe some sessions of marriage counselling would be a good idea ?

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: BAD VIBE | 2011/11/16

Thank you for the advise. It makes me feel better that an expert can see my point of view.
The friendly get togethers really bother me. I just dont think it is a health option to be around the x husbands or wives, and even for the sake of the kids. Life goes on.
Thanks once again.

Reply to BAD VIBE
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/11/15

Sounds like he's being used by his ex and ex-inlaws ? Its nice to be friendly, but occasional halping out should go both ways, surely. Ex wife's hubby probably doesn't care because he doesn't see it as anything threatening, and it saves him work ! And picking up dry-cleaning, etc., is PETTY, and shows no respect for him at all. And its disrespectful towards you and your marriage, too.
Of course you're not a horrible person. This is not a good idea, at all. They need to learn that for him to lead his own life, and also to enjoy his own wife and family, is not to neglect them. It's OVER for the previous relationship, and unfair for them to have and to express expectations like this.
Presumably you have calmly discussed this with your husband, who, while he may not be bothered by this, should recognize that it is very reasonable for you to be bothered by it. If this is not something you have been able to work out between you with good will, maybe some sessions of marriage counselling would be a good idea ?

Reply to cybershrink

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