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Question
Posted by: concerned aunt | 2012/08/12

ex sister-in-law is an idiot

Hi Prof/Readers
Any input will be appreciated.
What side effects, if any, are inflicted on a 2yr old boy (who was born 2 mnths premature) &  his 6yr old brother, whose mother files for divorce but then voluntarily leaves them with their unemployed father just to spite him as she said " she wants to teach him a lesson?"  I am more concerned about the younger one as her plan backfired as the 2yr old refused to go with her on weekends. Despite our encouraging her to take him as the longer she left him, the worse the outcome but she ignored &  only took his brother. Her excuse was that her parents can''t stand children''s noises &  they are done looking after kids."  After 6 months he eventually went with his brother but this was due to us encouraging/coaxing/bribing him to go as she was his mother. There was no maternal bond with her and despite my advice she caused the rift betw them to get wider as she was never involved in their lives until this year. He has been going only because of his brother who he is very attached to. Until an incident happened during May this year. The grandfather smacked the eldest one for something petty and the boys were so traumatized, the were scared to go with the next visit. We took their part and allowed them to stay. The following weekend the eldest (9yrs) decided to go visit but the youngest refused. He became very anxious and since then has refused to go. He has always been a very sensitive child. The mother is now insisting she is just going to take him kicking and screaming with her. She has done a lot of emotional damage to both boys and my heart breaks to see how the young one react towards her. He says he doesn''t love her as she doesnt love him. She pushed her kids away when they were young but now wants to be their " mother"  again. She thinks we are keeping him away from her on purpose but its not true. she does not understand the damage forcing him to go (just because she is his mother) will impact him as it already has. She believes he is too young to understand anything and that he has no say in the matter and that he''s just being rude and naughty when he says he doesn''t love her. She keeps on getting angry with me for bringing up the past, but the past is the cause of the present - she willingly left her babies with their father to spite him but it has all backfired and now she is blaming us for keeping him away from her. We said the choice is the childs - we will stand by whatever he wants and will not force him. It''s like sending an abused child back to his abuser. I told her they should see a social worker first. She has no clue as to the damage she has done emotionally to these boys. Am I right in saying that a child as young as 2 can be emotionally affected? She needs to understand how a child thinks. This is not to be treated as a child that is naughty - correct? I''m just as worried about the eldest one as he is caught in the middle and she''s playing the 2 brothers against each other by buying the one toys and not the other or by giving money. I''m sorry for ranting but am i right to say this mother is an idiot?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

My broader concern would be for a woman so spiteful and vengeful as to risk harm to her children simply in order to score points off her husband. She sounds immature and dubiously devoted to proper mothering.

Like Tanya, I have often said I with that instead of a contraceptive pill, everyone was naturally infertile, and would need to take a Ceptive pill, to be able to conceive, and to pass a comrehensive assessment before receiving that pill. Abandoning children to spite someone is far worse than being jobless. I also wish it were a specific criminal offense for any parent to use children as weapons in their battles against a spouse.
Anyway, in the situation one describes, one wonders whether Child Welfare services and a competent social worker should be invited to assess the situation and the capabilities of each parent to be capable of proper parenting.
Mere biological motherhood is a technicality, and o no benefit whatever to the child when there is a lack of genuine love, caring, and parenting skills and instincts.
In the situation you describe, the younger child is more likely to be damaged by separation from his brother, than by not being with an uncaring and selfish mother.
What she has been doing is indeed emotionally abusive, and of course the child of 2 can understand much of what is going on - apparently more than his foolish biomom. It is She who is being naughty, not the child. She's more than an idiot ; she's an abusive and irresponsible adult child

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Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2012/08/13

Under the Children''s Act he has equal rights to the mother. I really think he should approach the FA for clarification.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/08/13

My broader concern would be for a woman so spiteful and vengeful as to risk harm to her children simply in order to score points off her husband. She sounds immature and dubiously devoted to proper mothering.

Like Tanya, I have often said I with that instead of a contraceptive pill, everyone was naturally infertile, and would need to take a Ceptive pill, to be able to conceive, and to pass a comrehensive assessment before receiving that pill. Abandoning children to spite someone is far worse than being jobless. I also wish it were a specific criminal offense for any parent to use children as weapons in their battles against a spouse.
Anyway, in the situation one describes, one wonders whether Child Welfare services and a competent social worker should be invited to assess the situation and the capabilities of each parent to be capable of proper parenting.
Mere biological motherhood is a technicality, and o no benefit whatever to the child when there is a lack of genuine love, caring, and parenting skills and instincts.
In the situation you describe, the younger child is more likely to be damaged by separation from his brother, than by not being with an uncaring and selfish mother.
What she has been doing is indeed emotionally abusive, and of course the child of 2 can understand much of what is going on - apparently more than his foolish biomom. It is She who is being naughty, not the child. She's more than an idiot ; she's an abusive and irresponsible adult child

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: concerned aunt | 2012/08/12

Hi Maria
They were married &  divorced according to religious law and therefore not by court. Once divorce was enforced, no further discussions took place (which baffled me!). My ex sister-in-law moved out, filed for divorce, then turned up one day to throw her clothes in black refuse bags and off she went. I encouraged my brother to seek help from the party that decreed the divorce as to his parental rights but he never did (which ofcourse he now regrets). Some people should never be parents as they are too immature. A child is not a doll who you only play dress-up with  it does cry &  poop.

Reply to concerned aunt
Posted by: Maria | 2012/08/12

What did the divorce decree specify in terms of custody, residency etc.? Your brother can maybe also contact the Family Advocate for advice.

I suggest you also post this on the Divorce Support forum.

Oh, and I think " idiot"  is too positive a description of a parent who can do this to her kids!

Reply to Maria
Posted by: concerned aunt | 2012/08/12

Thanks Tanya for your input. Yes, i have texted her and mentioned she &  my brother must meet soon with a social worker. I hope the spcial worker will be able to get through to her as she really has no clue to the damage she has/is causing. I sincerely wish she finally sees the light.

Reply to concerned aunt
Posted by: Tanya | 2012/08/12

Concerned Aunt ... Your assumption that your ex s-i-l is an idiot is quite correct.

There should be a degree called " B.Parenting"  and all men and women who wish to have children should be forced to obtain this degree. There are many that would ''fast forward'' and pass cum laude in 2 months or so, but many, like your ex s-i-l would fail dismally.

Problem parents cause problem children, teenagers and adults, and so the circle continues.

Can you get a Social Worker involved with your problem? That would probably be the best course of action.



Reply to Tanya

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