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Question
Posted by: deb | 2011/02/07

ex gf

Hi. I have been seeing a guy for 3 months. Before he met me, he was single for 6 monnths although his relationship with his ex was over for 5 months before they actually broke up. Whenever we meet up with any of his friends, they always bring up one of his ex''es. This makes me extremely uncomforable and I have already told him, but I know it is not his fault as it is his friends who brings their names up. However, on Friday he found out his last ex cheated on him and now he brings her name up all the time. On saturday we had a huge fight about it as I think that because it happened like a year ago there should be nothing there. But he is so angry he wants revenge so I said that he is clearly not over her else it wouldn''t bother him so much. He got so angry with me and said I wasnt supporting him in the matter. How supportive must I be regarding an ex? Gosh, let the past go and focus on your new gf (thats my feeling). What is your view on this? Thanks.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Some "friends" are not especially close, and don't share many common interests - and one obvious thing to talk about would be his ex, who they knew. Don't fel so uncomfortable about this - its not about you, and she's not likely to be any threat to your current relationship with him unless you insist on making it a major issue.
And having discovered that an ex cheated on him will be hurtful for him, and something he needs to talk about - again, this is a natural way to deal with his pain and indignation. And again, it is NOT ABOUT YOU. You seem to be taking a very self-centred view of all this, with no sign of understanding his feelings or needs. Having a huge fight with him about this is far more of a threat to your relationship with him than anything else. He's absolutely right - you aren't being at all supportive of him, nor understanding, and thinking solely in terms of what you want. Of course you want all the focus on "the new gf" - because that's you. People who have been hurt by someone else, need the chance to talk and work through that hurt. Try to be a bit more adult about this, more sympathetic, and he will be able tyo work through it and get vbeyond it, much sooner than if you go into spasms every time he mentions it.

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6
Our users say:
Posted by: Fred | 2011/02/07

He expects you to listen to stories about his ex on social occasions!
Then show sympathy and support whilst he plots his revenge on his ex!
He is not over her or into you.
RUN VERY FAST away from this non relationship.

Reply to Fred
Posted by: Zee | 2011/02/07

And geez, he was only with the " ex"  for 5 months and then single for 6 months. He had approx. 180 days to get over her!!! 5 months, I was still getting to know my partner during such a time. 5 months is nothing to refer to a relationship (long term)

Reply to Zee
Posted by: Zee | 2011/02/07

Sorry CyberShrink, I hope Deb doesnt take that advice. Deb - you should value yourself and dont put yourself in second place. You should take centre stage and HE should be the adult to grow up and try focus on " building"  a new life/ relationship with you. He should forget what hurt him and learn to love what makes him happy. Try see whether you are just part of his way to try take revenge, maybe he is looking to make her jealous. If you have the slightest hint, run away and dont look back. Cybershrink, people who have been hurt by loved ones, should speak about it to their friends and no to the person who is trying to get into their heart. That person might think she is fighting a losing battle and not bother.

Reply to Zee
Posted by: Honest Opinion | 2011/02/07

I disagree with Cybershrink on this one. l believe your boyfriend should tell his friends he no longer wishes to discuss his exs as this is discourteous to you and should hold no interest for him. As for wishing revenge on his ex for cheating this shows he is still hung up on the past and is emotionally immature. If l were 2 find out one of my exes had cheating on me it would be water off a ducks back. We date to find a suitable long term partner and for whatever reason this relationship did not work out - the fact that they had cheated on me would confirm that this person was not the one for me.
The revenge aspect would seriously raise a reg flag for me, and l would feel it unreasonable to be expected to support and listen to problems about an old relationship.
l hardly ever diagree with cybershrinks advice but l think he is way off course with this.
Obviously everyone comes with baggage but in this case this suitcase should not have even been brought along let alone unpacked. To expect you in anyway to help launder the contents is unnessesary.

Reply to Honest Opinion
Posted by: Lucy | 2011/02/07

That is so true girl, if he really is over his ex then he must just forget about the past and move on with you...

Reply to Lucy
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/02/07

Some "friends" are not especially close, and don't share many common interests - and one obvious thing to talk about would be his ex, who they knew. Don't fel so uncomfortable about this - its not about you, and she's not likely to be any threat to your current relationship with him unless you insist on making it a major issue.
And having discovered that an ex cheated on him will be hurtful for him, and something he needs to talk about - again, this is a natural way to deal with his pain and indignation. And again, it is NOT ABOUT YOU. You seem to be taking a very self-centred view of all this, with no sign of understanding his feelings or needs. Having a huge fight with him about this is far more of a threat to your relationship with him than anything else. He's absolutely right - you aren't being at all supportive of him, nor understanding, and thinking solely in terms of what you want. Of course you want all the focus on "the new gf" - because that's you. People who have been hurt by someone else, need the chance to talk and work through that hurt. Try to be a bit more adult about this, more sympathetic, and he will be able tyo work through it and get vbeyond it, much sooner than if you go into spasms every time he mentions it.

Reply to cybershrink

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