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Question
Posted by: Depressed | 2009/05/11

emotional wreck

Hi
I think i am loosing my mind, i realy cannot think straight, i am an emotional wreck!
Ok, it all started a couples of years ago(5 to be precise), when my hubby started his own business. THen things were ok because i could afford to help out financially(take care of the bond, cars and investments). Well, a couple of years later, things improved for about 6 months, in the 3rd month of that " improvement"  we decided to start a family. We were blessed with a son, but things went from good to bad, 2 years ago i could still afford to take care of all 3 of us but NOW, so last year i couldn' t anymore as i was now funding his business as well.This caused me to have a credit card(which is all maxed out) and a loan(big loan) that i now have to pay back. THe truth is ..i am in debt because i agreed to help him and i have to pay this by myself(which was not part of the agreement). Things are really bad at the moment and we fight everytime i tell him, I CANNOT help him anymore. WHats worse, he doesn' t show me he cares, even our love life, i am the one trying to keep the spart despite of everything but it seems like a one way thing!
I feel so helpless and cry all the time and i have no clue how am i going to pay all this by myself and i' d hate for my boy to suffer because of what his parents did. This days we fight all the time because i say i wont help anymore. he does not want us to go for counselling and he act like he knows everything.ANy advise?

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Our expert says:
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IF you have to keep on carrying all the major costs of the family, AND subsidize his business, he does not have a viable business, and this is a hobby, not a business. How can he expect you to run yourself into debt to cover his lousy business skills, and not even help you to repay the debt ? Why are you crying and feeling awful about the debt, and not him ? If he knew everything, his business would be flourishing.
I tend to agree with Kathy, and I don't agree with LOL about encouraging such irresponsible and selfish behaviour on his part, in the name of love. Youmarry for better and worse, no for worse and worse.
He has NOT invested so much in the current failed business --- YOU have. And why can't HE get part-time jobs, rather than you, the breadwinner ?
You are entirely right to refuse to continue financing him and effectively giving him blank checks. No bank would do so. Liza's suggestion of proposing he get Business COunselling first, is an excellent idea. Why does he feel he's doing you an enormous favour to even consider getting expert advice he very obviously needs. If he was as brilliant as he seems to think, his business would be flourishing --- even in these times, many businesses ARE flourishing

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009/05/12

Thank you all, i have suggested the DTI option, he was a bit sceptical but said he will think about it. :-)

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Cathy | 2009/05/11

I must say I don' t fully agree with LOL. Yes, you married for better and for worse and ' there is no I in We'  however there comes a time when enough is enough. Depressed SHOULD worry about who' s financing the house hold because SHE' S the one who' s going to get into trouble if she can' t pay the money back. If marriage is a partnership why is only 1 person paying for everything? Yes, LOL is right that you need to work together but don' t stay and be his money tree if he doesn' t want to try.

Reply to Cathy
Posted by: Depressed | 2009/05/11

Liza, thank lots, maybe its just what we need :-), i will run this by him.
Guys, thank you so much, its much appreciated.

Reply to Depressed
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009/05/11

i' ve found out that my boyfriend slept with someone else i am confused because i don' t know what to do i feel like i should dump him but i love he says he loves me too

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Liza | 2009/05/11

If you cannot afford to finance him anymore how can that be wrong? Besides - he hasn' t been able to make a success of his business yet WITH the finance that you have been providing. Unless he does something and gets outside help, why should his success rate increase? Its a bad risk and you will be throwing good money after bad.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Liza | 2009/05/11

If he doesn' t want to go for counselling, does this mean that he will not consider other ways of getting an income e.g. like LOL advised and get a job? Although I wouldn' t advise trying a different line of business - the risk of it turning out worse than the current business is far too big.

Then also - why is the business doing badly? Is your husband not working at it hard enough? or is it the economic decline? or perhaps the business is not being optimally managed e.g. no current, updated business plan that is being used to ensure that the business is growing in the right direction?

If your husband is working hard at making his business succeed, but is failing, perhaps you shouldn' t at first suggest couples counselling, but business ' counselling' . The department of trade and industry have a division called the Small Business Development Agency. They have trained staff to help with advancing your business that don' t cost an arm and a leg. Their help is in fact free. It only starts to cost something if you need e.g. a business plan and cannot draw it up yourself. Even then, they subsidise the costs of that.

If his business problems can be resolved it will place less stress on your personal relationship and even if he refuses to go for couples counselling it might not matter that much?

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Depressed | 2009/05/11

Yeah, thank you LOL, it is great advise. I have suggested another lineof work but he said he has invested so much in the current business and believes it is going to work. I have applied for other part time jobs but haven' t found any. Thank you for advise, we will think of other ways BUT do you think it is wrong of me NOT financing him anymore?

Reply to Depressed
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009/05/11

good advice lol

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: LOL | 2009/05/11

Ag shame man, this is rather unfortunate.

I think you must always remember that there is no " i"  in we. you married him for better and for worse. Instead of dwelling over who is financing the house hold, rather work together in trying to find other solutions to supplement your income. maybe ask him to get a job or try a different line of business that would bring in the money and improve your situation. And remember to save for the future next time when things go well.

good luck

Reply to LOL
Posted by: Depressed | 2009/05/11

HEy Cathy, thank you for your reply. I am tearing up reading this. Yeah i can get proof of the payments because that was done through Internet transfers. Yesterday was mothers day, i didn' t even get a happy mothers day. I wish i can just go far away from him.I love him and our son but things really needs to change.

Reply to Depressed
Posted by: Cathy | 2009/05/11

If I were you I' d either sue him for the money (or sell all his things). Do you have proof that you' ve been forking out money for him and proof that you haven' t been paid back? If he' s just thinking of you as a personal bank and not as a wife that he should care for, then you must think the same way! Start acting like a bank and start the repo process!

Reply to Cathy

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