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Question
Posted by: Sandra | 2011/06/06

Emotional and possibly physical affair

Hi Doc and readers,
My husband who I had been dating for 7 years was having an emotional affair with his sluttly colleague even before we got married - I discovered his Skype conversations purely by chance 4 months into our marriage - healways blows it off to be nothing, was just bored - yadayada. I forgave him after he promised to stop and removed her from his Skype. He then befriended a very lost immature male who was unhappy in his relationship and got my hubby to start going into chat rooms - I found crap that they were saying about me as well - lets say they have the mentality of 12 year olds. Im willing to give this one more shot, however I have no attraction to mu spouse any longer, we have no intimacy - I miss it but dont want to do anything with him ... can this be repaired .... and IM at the stage where I want to have kids but dont know if I should settle (with time quickly creeping up) and compromise due to this burning desire. Advise please?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If a married person gets bored, they need to look to their spouse for recreation, not to someone else, whther directly or via Skype or other media.
If he apologised and actually did stop flirting with her online, but then got into other relationhips online, there is something he is missing within the relationship, and he is looking in the wrong places for solutions. Why not see a marriage counsellor together, and look for actual solutions ?
Compromising, and moving to having kids, with such an immature guy, so lousy at genuinely solvin whatever problems he has, would not be wise.
If he won't join you in counselling, or the problems prove insoluble, do not proceed with the relationship, and definitely do not have children, as this would be so unfair to you and the kids

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Our users say:
Posted by: Sandra | 2011/06/07

Thank you all for your input ... i have lots of thinking to do ..... wish I had been more selective when dating, I do regret setteling

Reply to Sandra
Posted by: Maria | 2011/06/07

Please do not inflict this situation on an innocent child. Consider going for counselling to see if you can patch things up, or alternatively to help you learn from the experience and extricate yourself from the marriage with as little pain as possible.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Blue | 2011/06/07

Hi Sandra
I have been married for 26 years ond found out 22 months ago that my husband was doing pretty much the same as yours. Only, the more I started digging the more I found out.
Long story short and after much much drama which not only turned my hair gray but my face sour and my eyes permanently tearfull, I decided to give it another go. (Children, parent living with me etc etc...so as not to upset everyone mostly and I thought at the time I love him)
Now, today as I am sitting here typing this post, my heart is heavy, I trust NO-ONE, I do not love anyone other than my kids, not even myself.
My honest adviice from the bottom of my heart is to think about yourself only now and if you are in ANY position to leave this man and move on, for God sake, do it! before if is too late and yo also are held back by other things.
I know it is very very hard to do, but believe me the love turns into utter despise after a while. You will never trust him again, no mater what.
I wish youl uck and I hope you will make the best decision for YOU, because YOU did nothingwrong and this did not happen because of YOU.

Reply to Blue
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/06/07

If a married person gets bored, they need to look to their spouse for recreation, not to someone else, whther directly or via Skype or other media.
If he apologised and actually did stop flirting with her online, but then got into other relationhips online, there is something he is missing within the relationship, and he is looking in the wrong places for solutions. Why not see a marriage counsellor together, and look for actual solutions ?
Compromising, and moving to having kids, with such an immature guy, so lousy at genuinely solvin whatever problems he has, would not be wise.
If he won't join you in counselling, or the problems prove insoluble, do not proceed with the relationship, and definitely do not have children, as this would be so unfair to you and the kids

Reply to cybershrink

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