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Question
Posted by: Ethel | 2010/12/01

Emotional affair

Dear doc
I had an emotional affair with another man for a year. During this time I became emotionally and physically distant from my own husband. I have decided to end this " affair"  and refocus on my marraige and to make my own marraige work.
How do I regain my sexual feelings towards my own husband. At this stage we have a friendly relationship, but thinking about having sex with him feels awkward, and I don''t feel like I want to sleep with him, but I know to have a real marraige we have to have sex. We have been married for 16 years now. The funny thing is, sex has never bothered by husband, for most of our marraige its been about three times per year. And he does not get his sex elsewhere - he is just one of those one in a million people for whom sex really is not a priority. And when he did do it, I always fels guilty as I had to make him do it, and in the end I felt like I kind of raped him. How do we get a normal sex-life?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Some or the other celebrity said to have a long successful relationship is to fall in love with your partner all over and over again. It is however hard work and a mindshift. Start dating each other (like you did when you were young and not married yet) and compliment each other. Sometimes when we are married for a long time we just talk about buying milk and bread and paying the water and lights account, etc. We forget that there is still nurturing needs. Do what you did in the "good" times. It may be better if the two of you make an appointment with a sexologist and discuss his low sexual desire and your feelings of guilt. Phone the SASHA helpline (0860 100 262) for a referral list for practitioners in your area. Deidre - SASHA

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Our users say:
Posted by: Aha | 2010/12/02

You THINK he isnt getting it elsewhere.......

Reply to Aha
Posted by: Woman | 2010/12/01

Ethel, you know that your marriage is in big trouble. You know this because you wrote in for help. You know this because you had an emotional affair. The absence of sex is a symptom of a sick marriage, not the cause. The only way to get clarity one way or the other,is to go for individual as well as couples counselling.

In the end you must do what is best for you, because only when you find yourself and can be happy and satisfied just being you, then everything else will fall into place.

If your hubby doesn''t think anything is wrong and won''t go see someone with you - go alone. Good luck!

Reply to Woman
Posted by: jelly | 2010/12/01

Have you told your husband about the affair and I suppose their was sex involved. Well play open cards that might give him a lift, a lift perhaps out of the marraige.

Reply to jelly
Posted by: XXX | 2010/12/01

Good for you but you both need to have sex a lot more than 3 times per year.Talk through the issues and in need go see a sexologist.
Your marriage is unlikely to get back on track without it being good in the sack.
Experiment with lubes,toys,positions etc.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: sexologist | 2010/12/01

Some or the other celebrity said to have a long successful relationship is to fall in love with your partner all over and over again. It is however hard work and a mindshift. Start dating each other (like you did when you were young and not married yet) and compliment each other. Sometimes when we are married for a long time we just talk about buying milk and bread and paying the water and lights account, etc. We forget that there is still nurturing needs. Do what you did in the "good" times. It may be better if the two of you make an appointment with a sexologist and discuss his low sexual desire and your feelings of guilt. Phone the SASHA helpline (0860 100 262) for a referral list for practitioners in your area. Deidre - SASHA

Reply to sexologist

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