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Question
Posted by: Victoria | 2011/01/20

emotional abuse?

Hi there

I''m now 22 and my stepmom has been around since I was 7 years old. For as long as I can remember she''s always treated us like she does now which includes: screaming at me instead of just informing me if we didn''t do something the way she wanted it, speaking to me condescendingly when I feel like I''ve achieved something and I should be proud of it, hardly letting me go out to socialise with friends (I''m lucky if I get to go out once every 2 months), always referring to my mom as that woman and telling me how she doesn''t love me, if anyone calls on the home phone she will listen in on our conversation and she also controls every single cent that I spend.

A few days ago my friend said that this was emotional abuse and I should get some help. So I just wanted to know if this really abuse. Also I''m an introvert who would rather deal with things by myself, so how would I go about going to someone

Thanks alot

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Do you absolutely have to continue living with these parents ? The stepmother sounds childish and selfish But at 22 you need not allow her to decide if you can go out with friends. It sounds indeed psychologically abusive. Speak calmly to your dad about it, and speak to your actual biomom, and explore going to stay on your own and making your own life. Maybe then the awful stepmom will turn her over-controlling efforts to your dad, who may then begin to understand what you were talking about

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Our users say:
Posted by: Victoria | 2011/01/23

So this is pretty complex but give all the finer details in a nutshell
For some bizarre reason, in my parent''s divorce agreement there was a clause that stated that whoever got married first would lose custody of my brother and I. My mom got remarried first so we ended up with my dad.
Reason why I haven''t gone to stay with my mom: things aren''t financially stable there. I''m still busy studying, it''s my last year now, and I don''t want to add onto the strain. I have already signed a contract with a firm who I will work for as soon as I''m done studying so I''m legally not allowed to get a full time job and even though a part time job may help, it won''t be enough to cover the costs.
My dad is already her puppet, she''s basically " the man of the house" . The perfect example is the fact that he works while she sits around, yet he has to get " pocket money"  from her. He just lies down and does what she says, he never tries to stand up to her.
I''m not close to my dad at all. I''ve tried to make a connection a number of times now but he''s just brushed it aside so I''ve actually given up on trying to get something from that. All he does basically is work and watch tv. I''m not close to my mom, though I have more of a relationship with her than I do with him, I see her maybe once a year and the distance makes it hard when everything else is in such a controlled environment.
We''ve tried standing up to her in the past with but then she becomes a bomb and explodes which is extremely unpleasant for all of us so my brother and I try to let what she says just slide over our heads.
I feel bad for planning to leave next year when I''m done studying because then my brother has to deal with all of this by himself, we''re are basically all we got. I''ve been thinking though, for once in my life I actually have to do what''s best for me. I don''t know how I''m gonna change the habit of pleasing others but I''m gonna try my hardest...

Reply to Victoria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/01/22

Do you absolutely have to continue living with these parents ? The stepmother sounds childish and selfish But at 22 you need not allow her to decide if you can go out with friends. It sounds indeed psychologically abusive. Speak calmly to your dad about it, and speak to your actual biomom, and explore going to stay on your own and making your own life. Maybe then the awful stepmom will turn her over-controlling efforts to your dad, who may then begin to understand what you were talking about

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Soul | 2011/01/21

Victoria have you spoken to your dad about the way she treats you? I assume you have been living with them all this time, how come you never stayed with your mom?

Reply to Soul
Posted by: Liza | 2011/01/21

My goodness. If it were me - I''d move out and start my own life. Seems like she wants to control everything and everyone around her. And she will continue her controlling behaviour until someone puts their foot down and tells her off. She''s like a child who needs to be given boundaries because as an adult she''s failing miserably at setting reasonable boundaries by herself.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Romany | 2011/01/21

You are 22 years old. Blood is thicker than water.
Get out of the house. Do whatever it takes for you to get out.

Reply to Romany

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