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Question
Posted by: Nozipho | 2010/01/26

Effects after wedding

I got married in December but guess what I am more than frustrated. My hustband has 2 daughters that we stay with the other one is with her mum. The 2 daughters are spoilt and I have a 1 year old that I must take care of, my in laws think I am treating the 2 girls bad so I have decided that it will be fine if I hand them to them next year.
The third daughter who is staying with the mother is more than frustrating us whenever it is going to be the earning date she will want this and that, and now she wants money and laptop. The father is ignoring the daughter but I know that he is taking some of the monies and doing everything to satisfy the daughter, I have found his diary and read it and he says he prays that I love his kids because it seems there is a problem.
I have decided and told him that it will be wise if we separate our money so that he can do everything to satisfy his kids, and he thought I am just kidding I have started. The other thing is I want us to only be joint to our house because we are paying together so that when we get divorce we get equal shares and I dont want him to get anything which is my money what should I do. Must I open another (Sister' s name) account and take everything I have and put it into that account, because I can see it is going to be a trouble when something can happen to me, please advice I am frustrated, what must I do

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

People who are divorced often do spoil their kids - feeling guilty about the divorce, ( and kids are often remarkably undagamed by a divorce ), they "make it up to them" in ways that are actually harmful to the kid, by cpoiling them and tolerating really bad behaviour.
The third daughter sounds at least as bad, and too demanding. CHildren should not feel that a divorce gives them a blank cheque to demand everything they fancy from either parent.
This is about GUUILT, not about LOVE.
And he will never satisfy them - like a blackmailer ( and this is truly emotional blackmail ) they will want more and more, and never feel rewarded enough.
The technical qustions you ask about accounts ( which sound like sensible plans ) are legal and beyond by expertise.
Maybe you should also suggest joint marriage counselling sessions to sort this out before it grows worse. And maybe grow these into family therapy sessions.
His family needs to learn that it is not "treating the kids badly" to refuse to enslave yourselves to meet their every whim. This is WAY beyond the laudible sense of responsibility to provide the kids with what they need rather than everything they fancy or want to show off with.

But counselling should always be tried before deciding on divorce, especially so early in a marriage with with what ought to be soluble problems.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Sally | 2010/01/26

I know how you feel, they will always gome inbetween, and trust me, Daddy' s little girls will always " win" .
GET OUT OF THERE!!!!!! NOW. WHY MUST YOU BE THE ONE WHO ALWAYS HAVE TO BE THE GOOD ONE. THEY WILL NEVER EVER ACCEPT YOU, OR LOVE YOU.

RATHER WITHOUT HIM. GET YOUR OWN PLACE, AND HE CAN VISIT YOU, AND GO HOME AGAIN!

GOOD LUCK

I KNOW, BEEN THERE HAVE THE TSHIRT AND DVD

Reply to Sally
Posted by: Purple | 2010/01/26

How financial matters are settled if you divorce will depend on your marriage contract. If you have no contract or got married in a traditional marriage, then you are married in community of property and you will each get half of your joint property, earnings, savings, pensions etc.
If you are married with an ante nuptual contract then you will each get what you came to the marriage with.
If you are married with an ante nuptual contract with accrual, then they take the value of what each of you brought to the marriage and the one with the bigger value pays a portion to the other (that is a bit of a simplistic explanation, but the best I can do).

Why don' t you sit down with your husband and calmly find out why the whole family seem to think that you treat his children badly and then think long and hard about whether you are really doing those things or not. If not, you need to explain to him that its not true. If you are, then try to find better ways of relating to his children.

Those children are his responsibility whether he is still married to their mother or not. He appears to take this responsibility seriously - which is lucky for you, as he will probably continue to support your child too, if you divorce.

The children are not going to make the first move in trying to resolve the relationship between you and them - you are the adult and you will have to.
You need to make it clear to them that you aren' t trying to replace their mother, but that you would like to get to know them, spend time with them, and that you will treat them in a respectful manner and that you expect the same courtesy to be extended to you. Try and spend a bit of time with each of them alone when you can and some time all together.
Explain to them that looking after a one year old takes a lot of time and energy and that this is the reason you might not always have loads of time to spend with them. You might be lucky and they might suggest taking turns to play with baby (one child per day) to give you a chance to spend special time with each of the children once a day. Even if it is just 15 minutes to chat, it can help to build your relationships.

You seem quite set on divorcing your husband, why don' t you try talking to him first and seeing if you can set some joint rules about spending and so on.
My husband and I are both quite independent people, so although we bought our house together, our money is separate, though we do budget together every month and we each pay certain bills and because I earn about half what he does, the total amount I pay towards the household is about half what he does.
If your husband is adamnt that you jointly manage your financial affairs, then suggest that you each get a small amount that is your own that you don' t have to justify spending - that you can each use on anything you like.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: nini | 2010/01/26

Why are you being so negative towards your marriage? 2 Months into your marriage you are now thinking abt divorce and settlement.

This issue of your husbands kids can be sorted out if you sit down with him and discuss it and put boundaries etc. You entered into this marriage knowing that he has kids. Maybe you didn' t tell your granny' s about the kids cos they would hv advised you more into that before you got married.

Communication is the key, orthewise you will loose your maariage, all men loves their kids, and if you ot prepared to compromise then tough.

Who decided that the kids should stay with you? Maybe also that is a problem to all women.....

Reply to nini
Posted by: jackass | 2010/01/26

u just got married in December and already u talkin bout divorce, u shouldnt have married ur huby

Reply to jackass
Posted by: jackass | 2010/01/26

u just got married in December and already u talkin bout divorce, u shouldnt have married ur huby

Reply to jackass
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/01/26

People who are divorced often do spoil their kids - feeling guilty about the divorce, ( and kids are often remarkably undagamed by a divorce ), they "make it up to them" in ways that are actually harmful to the kid, by cpoiling them and tolerating really bad behaviour.
The third daughter sounds at least as bad, and too demanding. CHildren should not feel that a divorce gives them a blank cheque to demand everything they fancy from either parent.
This is about GUUILT, not about LOVE.
And he will never satisfy them - like a blackmailer ( and this is truly emotional blackmail ) they will want more and more, and never feel rewarded enough.
The technical qustions you ask about accounts ( which sound like sensible plans ) are legal and beyond by expertise.
Maybe you should also suggest joint marriage counselling sessions to sort this out before it grows worse. And maybe grow these into family therapy sessions.
His family needs to learn that it is not "treating the kids badly" to refuse to enslave yourselves to meet their every whim. This is WAY beyond the laudible sense of responsibility to provide the kids with what they need rather than everything they fancy or want to show off with.

But counselling should always be tried before deciding on divorce, especially so early in a marriage with with what ought to be soluble problems.

Reply to cybershrink

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