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Posted by: Desperate | 2010/01/15

Down in the dumps

Good day

I have been married for almost 12 years and everything is going downhill in the last 6 months. We (my husband) met some new friends and the lady is very fond of him. They phone each other about 5 or 6 times a day and just chat. A few months ago I confronted him about this and he old me that they are friends, talking to each other but that is all. there is nothing going on. I am a very jealous person, but excepted his story. Unfortunately I am having a very difficult tiem not being jealous. We do fight a lot about her and last year November he said I must either get over her or het will get out of the marriage. All went well when we went on leave, but yeaterday something happened and it started all over again. This morning het told me in a long letter that he cannot live with my insecurities anymore and my jealous nature is getting him under and he is not willing to go on being married to me as he clearly makes me unhappy and he loves me to much to do this to me. I asked him to discuss this at home tonight but it seem s that he has made up his mind that he does not want me any longer. We have 2 kids. i do love him and I know that he is not cheating, but I do not like myself at this stage, am depressed (diagnosed) feel fat and ugly and all this is making me being the person I am now. I do not even want to think about divorcing him, but how can I chage his mind? i suggested to seek help, but he told me if I do not want to change my jealous nature he is not willing to go for counceling as it will not help. Please give me some advice as I am watching the clock and fearing to go home. i am even thinking of killing myself but I know that I will never go through with it as I do not even have the guts to do that. Please help.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its understandable that you hav been upset - such an intense friendship, even if it doesn't go beyond ridiculously long phone chats, is rather like infidelity, and highly inconsiderate of you. He is, in a sense, cheating emotionally, no physically. And the other woman should realize that this intrudes on your own relaionship with your husband ( I wonder what her husband thinks of it ? )
It makes no sense for him to insit that you must change "your jealous nature" BEFORE he'll join you in counselling - the mariage counselling would be the best way to deal with the issue of jealousy. For your own sake and that of the kids, don't even think about harming yourself. And persuade him that you have thought about what he said, and have taken some preliminary advice about the jealousy thing, and have received expert advice that this would best be dealt with, because it so obviously affects him as well, by you working on it together, in couples counselling

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Stan | 2010/01/18

Sorry dear for your trauma, we all have our woes, but if I were in your shoes, I wouldn' t even alow the situation to get that ugly, but now what you can do is give it time, give him his space, man sometimes seek what they already have outside, you know the 20/80 rule of relationships, that women is only giving him 20% of what he' s getting from you, your marriage has sustained a lot of years. infuture or if possibble now, befriend that woman who is becoming a trouble in your marieage, invite her for dinner with her partner, and learn all you need to learn about her, you may also find that you can be great freinds, if you get along he will get bored with her, you can repeat this for as long as your man keeps befriending women.

Reply to Stan
Posted by: Blossom | 2010/01/16

First of all he should not be entertaining her calls and should tell her to either speak to you or come over for a family visit so both of you are present if she has problems. He clearly likes the attention. I would not tolerate this if I were you. I would call her and ask why she is calling him so much and if there is something I can help with. Arrange for a braai, invite her husband and herself and get talking. If your husband keeps blaming you for her bad behaviour and his inconsiderate and rude attitude, he does not deserve a good wife like you. Be stern, dont tolerate the crap as it will ony get worse if you are submissive. Kick butt girl! at least if you lose him, you will still maintain your selfrespect and he will always remember it.

Reply to Blossom
Posted by: In the same | 2010/01/15

Hi Desperate
I am in the same situation but my husband eventually filed for the divorce. The woman is a divorcee. I left the house a few weeks ago and asked him not to contact me. We have been married 21 years. The lady had the audacity to phone my work and say I am harassing her although she was calling my husband at any part of the day and nite. He didnt care if I was home when he received these calls. I love him but he is not willing to give her up or get counselling. To me its best to part ways if they do not want to give the other women up.
Good luck.

Reply to In the same
Posted by: Woman (ou) | 2010/01/15

Sorrry, my laptop got possessed for a minute there!!


I wanted to say: I wouldn' t believe it for a minute if I were you.

If he does come back, btw, tell him that you want to go for couples counseling (this is the first step. Also apply for an emergency maintenance order so that the kids are taken care of.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you either way.

Reply to Woman (ou)
Posted by: Womanou. | 2010/01/15

Call hius bluff. Tell him that you are not willing to share the marriage with a third party anymore. Have his suitcases packed and tell him to leave the house. Refuse to speak to him for at least a week.

Either it will come out that he is, in fact having an affair or he will come crawling back begging for forgiveness. His story sounds dodgy and I wouldn' t believe it for a minute if I were y

Reply to Womanou.
Posted by: Womanou. | 2010/01/15

Call hius bluff. Tell him that you are not willing to share the marriage with a third party anymore. Have his suitcases packed and tell him to leave the house. Refuse to speak to him for at least a week.

Either it will come out that he is, in fact having an affair or he will come crawling back begging for forgiveness. His story sounds dodgy and I wouldn' t believe it for a minute if I were y

Reply to Womanou.
Posted by: Gerly | 2010/01/15

Hi Desperate

You sound in a bad space right now and i would like to advice you seek some help. Even if it means you packing your bag for a weekend and book a hotel just for you, relax and think of exactly what is it you want.

I know Men feel less attracted to jealous women, so you might be pushing him to that woman since they can have a decent conversation and not be nagged all the time.

It is not easy to keep quet about things like this, but you will never find the truth by asking questions. You let him do what he wants and in the end you will find out the truth. Remember, by complaining all the time, he is learning your mind and he knows exactly what answers to give you.

Please just relax and carryon with your life, he will be very amazed if you are a changed person.

As for the Bitch, every dog has its day.....

Good luck

Reply to Gerly
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/01/15

Its understandable that you hav been upset - such an intense friendship, even if it doesn't go beyond ridiculously long phone chats, is rather like infidelity, and highly inconsiderate of you. He is, in a sense, cheating emotionally, no physically. And the other woman should realize that this intrudes on your own relaionship with your husband ( I wonder what her husband thinks of it ? )
It makes no sense for him to insit that you must change "your jealous nature" BEFORE he'll join you in counselling - the mariage counselling would be the best way to deal with the issue of jealousy. For your own sake and that of the kids, don't even think about harming yourself. And persuade him that you have thought about what he said, and have taken some preliminary advice about the jealousy thing, and have received expert advice that this would best be dealt with, because it so obviously affects him as well, by you working on it together, in couples counselling

Reply to cybershrink

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