don''t know who 2 choose

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Posted by: A | 2013/01/30

Q. don''t know who 2 choose

hi. this is a very long story but want to explain the background as well so that you can have a better understanding but i''ll try to keep it as short as possible. i''ve been with my bf for 5years and we have a child together and we bought a house together. things between us it getting worse everyday. he tends to always start an argument where as i will try and prevent it. and it always ends up with him wanting or threating to leave. i try my best to make things work for the sake of my child but it seems that i''m the only one trying. this relationship has become too much work for me but still i stick it out for the sake of our son. frankly i''ve reached the point where i feel just to end things. i don''t understand why he forever wants to leave over stupid little arguments and starting to think that he''s looking for a way out and don''t know how. it will be hard for me and i fear of doing it on my own, a single mom, a bond to pay and everything else. but i come to realise that this needs to end. i''ve now got in contact with an ''ex'' so to say. just a little background on our relationship. we met he was engaged and i didn''t know we had a ''fling'' and i then found out and broke it off. i''m really not the type to cheat and please don''t judge me, but a few times after that he came back after he was married to win me back and things happened between us. we loved each other alot and still do to this day. we tried staying away and out of contact for years and it''s been 7 years now and recently started to chat agen. he''s still not happy in his marriage never was, had thoughts of leaving before we got in contact agen. but only stayed for the sake of his children. we both unhappy in our relationships and only staying for the sake of the kids. be both still have strong feelings for each other and still love one another. we have so much in common. and now he wants me back and i don''t know what to do. i need advise please. do we stick it out for the sake of our kids? or put ourselves and the love we have for each other first and find our way to be together? if we do we will not be leaving our relationships for each other but becaues we''re not happy where we are.

Expert's Reply

A.

CyberShrink

I agree with Anon. He has already made his choice, and it wasn't you - he chose to get married to someone else. Apparently over a long period he has, uncaringly, kept you as his mistress, even having a child with you. But he has a wife. How much genuine love for you does he have, to have set up this arrangement ?
I understand that you want to do what's best for the child, but children don't benefit from being exposed to unhappy relationships and uncaring fathers. If you separate from the father of your child, you can go to the maintenance court and he can be required to pay proper maintenance for the child's support.

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user comments

Posted by: Mina | 2013/02/06

A, I agree with the sentiments from otehr comments.

Your current relationship has its share of problem - without being crowded by this other man. Your current partner keeps threatening to leave, and I agree with you - he is looking for a way out, and will eventually leave. However, he is doing exactly what you are doing, of you look at it. He''s checking outside for something better to come along. As soon as it does, he''ll be out. You are both playing an unhealthy game. If you relationship is not working, end it.

I will not even get to the issue of the other man. Leave your current relationship because you deserve better than a man who is keeping the door ajar lest he misses a good opportunity. It is okay to leave a relationship and be single for a while.

So, my answer to your dilemna of not knowing who to choose between these two is: choose yourself.

Reply to Mina

Posted by: R | 2013/01/31

First find yourself....you appear to have lost yourself somewhere along the line...

Reply to R

Posted by: A | 2013/01/30

thanks for the advise Anon i appreciate it. i forgot to mention that he was engaged and his gf was pregnant she muslim and he is also now. before he got married he asked me if i wanted to be with him, not knowing she is pregnant, but i still said no. didn''t wanna come between them. and we''ve have been fighting our feelings for years. there was many times where he came back but i wouldn''t give him another chance coz by then he was married. and now after 7 years we still feel the same and we''ve been trying to keep our distance we found our way back again.

Reply to A

Posted by: Anon | 2013/01/30

Hi A

I was feeling your pain until I got to a point where you have feelings for a married man. Ok, I''m not judging but if he loves you as he claims he does, why did he get married to someone else? Afterall, He was only engaged when you first met and he continued to marry his wife, when he could have broken the engagement. If you do decide to leave your BF, do it for your sake not for the other guy. Same as this other guy, if he''s so unhappy, what is stopping him from leaving his wife then?

My advice (take it or not) leave the married guy alone. Don''t be the reason for his divorce. I bet if you were to be available for him now, you''d be his mistress, cause he''ll still be married.

Reply to Anon