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Question
Posted by: Pretty | 2011-08-31

Dont judge me just advice

We have been dating for two years now and it is sometimes a challenge especially with days like this. My take home after deductions is R19 000 and his is R4500 and yes I own a car and a house of which he does not own one. The problem comes when for some reasons like yesterday where I was in a very bad finacial crisis of which i discussed that with him when i got home. He was very depressed and he told me he is going today and he is not sure when will he be back. I confronted him now over the phone and he said he feels like he is not a man enough cause he cannot provide for me, he feels useless cause he is always in my car and my house and he does not contribute enough. Well we both know that he cannot contribute enough especially looking at his salary compared to mine. I dont worry about that but I sometimes feel like he is running away from challenges. Everytime a crisis like this comes he decides to pack and go and he will torse and turn the whole night. He will even request sleeping pills and complain that this relationship is a very big challenge for him since he feels like he is not contributing enough. I love him and i dont want money to be a factor in our relationship. How do I handle such a person who goes when there is a challenge like this one. I need him just for emmotional support especially with days like today but he is gone

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Quite a number of people, maybe especially men, feel ashamed and bothered when the person they have paired up with, is earning more than they do. Such situations need to be handled with tact.
I'm not sure what it's like to earn as much as R 19000 per month, but it should be practical to avoid major financial crises in such a situation.
If he keeps on complaining that he "does not contribute enough" I hope you reassure him ; and explore whether he can do more around the home, and recognize the value of all he does contribute.
Explain to him that the emotioanl support he contributes to you is invaluable for you, and you are sad that when he gets so worried about not contributing as much cash, he withdraws the emotional support and affection which you most need, and which money can't buy

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Garfield | 2011-09-07

Ummmmm .... Can anyone spell H.E.G.E.M.O.N.Y????

Really?!!!!!! ....

Let''s take a close up &  you tell me how ridiculous all of this sounds ...
" you need to be careful what you say to him"  ... " choose your words carefully"  ... " for him to be able to exercise his " superiority"  ... he will ask you for petrol money, but only stay with you (free of charge) if he LOVES you??? ????!!!!!

.... are you freekin kidding me, is this the 1940''s????!!!!!!!

Reply to Garfield
Posted by: tuscan | 2011-09-02

ITS NOT ABOUT BEING CAREFUL WITH WHAT YOU SAY, YOU NEED HIM NOT TO RUN AWAY AND HE IS DOING THIS AS HE FEELS UPSET ABOUT HIS SITUATION. SO YOU BOTH NEED TO SIT AND COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS. YOURS IS EMOTIONAL AND HIS IS NEEDING YOU TO BUILD HIM UP DURING THIS FINANCIALLY DIFFICULT TIME. IF YOU TRULY LOVE HIM AS MUCH AS YOU SAY, YOU GUYS COULD BE EATING BREAD WITH BUTTER, BUT JUST THE FACT THAT YOU WITH EACH OTHER IS ENOUGH. LOOK AT YOURSELF AND ASK,HOW ARE YOU MAKING HIM FEEL. ITS NOT ALWAYS ABOUT ONE PERSON. SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS WORK ON  I CARE FOR YOUR NEEDS AND YOU CARE FOR MY NEEDS. YOU COULD GET RETRENCHED TOMORROW,THEN THAT SHAKABLE SECURITY IS GONE. HOW WILL YOU STAND THEN!!

Reply to tuscan
Posted by: Motlalentwa | 2011-09-01

I dont care, as long you dont brag about your income. I will ask you to buy me fuel when i dont have, but with my little salary I will buy bread and snacks now and then. But I will stay with you only if i love you. its too much staying with a women just for her money, I wonder how do women get that right.

Reply to Motlalentwa
Posted by: Loli | 2011-09-01

Pretty ngwaneso I''m dating a police man, My take home is around 16 000+-.

He''s never been to my home ,excuse kegore he doesn''t have a car and our working hr clash BIG, I told him that I''m planning to move back to my house Jan/March 2012. He run and never looked back.

Mathat GF good luck :)

Reply to Loli
Posted by: Pretty | 2011-09-01

Thank you very much all of you but it is scarey to know that I must always choose what i say because I earn more than him

Reply to Pretty
Posted by: Caro | 2011-09-01

I think that you have to choose your words carefully when your partner earns less than you do. Unfortunately, many men are raised to feel that they have to be the providers and women have to be the dependants. Of course it is absolutely nonsense but a lower income for a man has to be paired with a big enough sense of self-worth. I earn much more than my husband but it is not a problem, I also have a title which he doesnt but he is proud of me. I will be adding another title in a few years which he will never come close to but this is not a problem for us. When we have a bit of a financial wobble I can even joke and tell him it''s because he doesnt bring home enough bacon or he will tell me he cannot keep a woman with my tastes but it is never an argument. My husband knows that his salary is not where his worth is to me. It is all the other things he provides which make my life good.

Reply to Caro
Posted by: Latoya | 2011-08-31

The disparities in basic things iin life between you and your partner is huge, i am not sure, but experience has proved to me that a man has to always be above a woman for the sake of his manhood, and also for him to be able to exercise his superiority, remember God made them to care and provide for us, not the other way round, i am not sure.

Dont you think that somehow, he is disempowered, staying in your house, driving in your car?, dont you somehow want all the finer things in life, i.e. the best food, clothes, places to live etc. will he be able to match up to your wants? just a question.

Reply to Latoya
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-08-31

Quite a number of people, maybe especially men, feel ashamed and bothered when the person they have paired up with, is earning more than they do. Such situations need to be handled with tact.
I'm not sure what it's like to earn as much as R 19000 per month, but it should be practical to avoid major financial crises in such a situation.
If he keeps on complaining that he "does not contribute enough" I hope you reassure him ; and explore whether he can do more around the home, and recognize the value of all he does contribute.
Explain to him that the emotioanl support he contributes to you is invaluable for you, and you are sad that when he gets so worried about not contributing as much cash, he withdraws the emotional support and affection which you most need, and which money can't buy

Reply to cybershrink

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