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Question
Posted by: jules | 2009-02-24

don' t do it!

I have a very close friend who is getting married, for what seems like all the wrong reasons. She is 22 and she dated him (he' s the same age) for 2 and a half years, but things went south when he was greatly influenced by his religious sister. They stopped having sex (which isn' t the issue, i respect their beliefs), but the problem was he stopped showing any affection towards my friend. No kisses, nothing. Naturally my friend became unhappy as their relationship just felt more like siblings, and they split. For a year and a half they were apart, but my friend had difficulty getting over him. I think she was more upset about leaving her comfort zone and felt no one would love her for who she is.

Just to give you an idea of his family, his sister is heavily involved in this church which is very evangelistic in their approach. They believe in asking God for signs to make decisions. So when the sister met a guy of a different race through the church and had feelings for him, she prayed to God to see 3 interracial couples. She saw them. And married him. After dating for 3 months, of which they never spent time alone together because of the ' temptation' . I' m no psychologist, but I know that if you are going to look for something, you are going to see it. It' s all in the mind, the subconscious. And I' m no pastor either but that' s just bull. I believe that God gives us a choice and that we should take responsibility for our own decisions. And if you need guidance, and you believe in God, by all means, pray. But asking for physical (and arbitrary) signs is stupid, childish and irresponsible. My friend is very naive and gullible. She didn' t even know what a gift registry was about until I told her - so is easily influenced, so I care and worry about her.

This method of decision-making started to appeal to my friend as she started wondering about breaking up with him in the first place (she sat on a balcony and asked for three blue cars, which she did). So a few months ago she was deliberating whether she should be with him and felt that she didn' t just want to date him to see how things go as she didn' t want to waste her time and energy. He was also questioning it. So she opened the bible at a random spot and read some random scripture which was her big sign (it was Matthew 19:5). Sure. It seems convincing, even for an agnostic. But I' m still worried. It seems that she' s only doing this because she thinks it' s right. I' ve been honest with her and told her what I think of her signs. And she appreciates my honesty. I said that if it was right, she should feel it in her heart. Why does she have to question it? She says she loves him and knows he' ll make her happy. But I believe she' s not in love. There is no passion, no spark and I' ve known her her whole life, so I can see there isn' t passion from her side. If I ask her if she' s in love, she will say yes, but even though she knows that' s my concern, she has never once convinced me she' s in love with him out of her own. Take note - they are a young couple, they are meant to be in love!

So they got back together and were engaged within the month and are getting married in 4 months. And the reason for getting married so quickly is more for the convenience of getting an apartment which his religious sister is going to leave vacant soon after the set wedding date (which is why they chose that date - to rent the apartment after she leaves). It' s all too convenient.

So now they are engaged and suddenly sex are okay. She admitted to me (with great concern from her part) that she has no libido and doesn' t know what to do about it. She has no interest in having sex with him and said she can' t stand him touching her and gets angry with him when he does touch her and they fight about it. She thinks there' s something wrong with her and wants to consult a gynae about this. She' s trying to justify it by blaming her body. I get that some people aren' t sexual, but I' ve known her forever and she' s not like this. And even if she lacks libido - why does she get angry at him? Why can' t she stand it? She also admitted to feeling very emotional - she can' t sleep (suffers insomnia), feels like crying the whole time and is moody and angry. I can see she' s experiencing some anxiety.

I' ve experienced this before too - I was with a boyfriend who I wasn' t in love with, became anxious, depressed, and all this because I was fighting my inner demons and I' m worried she' s going through the same thing. This marriage feels forced, influenced and I' m not sure it' s what she really wants but she is denying it to herself, and not being honest with herself.

I know it' s not easy giving advice on this, but it feels like I' m so deep into worrying about her and that I might benefit from hearing some objective advice.

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Our expert says:
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Lets see what other readers say. But its a hard truth that there are limits on how you can help a friend who is sure she's doing the right thing. Loss of libido can have numerous causes, including hormonal ( is she on some form of Pill ? ) and Depression or stress, so a checkup with her GP might help clarify what might be going on in that aspect of the problem

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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