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Question
Posted by: George | 2011/03/23

Does Queen-bee Syndrome exist?

My wife has a so called " friend" . I dont see it that way and she knows and agrees with me in anycase and is thus very weary of this " friend" , but still tries hard to be a friend, but gets slapped in the face on a continual basis. Ill call her Jane.

Jane is married to Warren and has 2 toddlers with a comfortable lifestyle. Jane has many friends...of which all her friends living from one crisis to the next. Jane thrives on this, when people run to her as a role model who can save them. No one dares to step out of line with Jane. If my wife asks one of the friends for a coffee date, they will first " ...chat to Jane and we can make a plan..." .

Its basically Janes way or the highway. Its as if we have left the confines of the school " get along gang"  has continued into adulthood more than 10 years later.

If my wife cannot make it to one of Janes personal functions, she needs 23 excuses as to why she cant make it, and one of them had better be life or death, but Jane only needs to say she cant make it.

Jane wears the pants in the house entirely, and generally if she knows shes not the centre of attention or will be sidelined, she will not attend a function. Jane is very vocal and competative about what she drives, the handbag she carries, and the house she lives in. She likes to leave the price tag on gifts so people can oooh and aaah at her generosity. She doesnt like any lady competing in her space, so if your life is full of drama, you will make it onto her list of favorites, it makes her look even more perfect. Jane however will think nothing of telling the world about her closest friends deepest darkest secrets and personal traumas - which of course has made my wife even less willing to share anything of a personal nature.

My poor wife for example has no " catastrophic"  dramas in her life (of course we all have bumps along life path), and we are blessed to be married with our lovely kids.
My wife doesnt need Jane for a shoulder to cry on or use as a personal pillar of strength, but since they live close by still enjoys just hanging out chit chatting.
My wife feels very " left out"  of the " click"  and only befriended when its convenient. My wife simply wants friendship and company, and I feel this Jane is not deserving of a loyal friend my wife is.


My question being, how does one deal with such self centred two- faced so called " friends" . My wife has the noble selfless loyalty of mans best friend, and am keen to support her with this " friend" , but every day that goes by, this woman fuels my resentment by what she does.
How do people work out how to be the Queen-Bee and have the world run around them like they royalty - yet turn nose up and slate those that look up to them the most. Its beyond me!!! Is this a natural thought process, or do they have a master plan drawn up and strategise for an hour each night (Which i think is the answer).

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Such a syndrome is not formally accepted or recognized, but such patterns of course do occur. Sounds like Jane is a big-headed and hard-hearted petty ditator, and though she has actually no power whatever except what these women choose to give her, apparently they give her more than is good for them or her.
lets see what other, woman, readers, think about this situation

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Our users say:
Posted by: QQ | 2011/03/25

Oh my word Shelly.........maybe she should just learn to chew glass as a hobby?

Reply to QQ
Posted by: Shelly | 2011/03/24

Ladies,
Please read his post again... Yes it is affecting his wife, and no he''s not choosing her friends, he''s just wants to offer support, but doesn''t know how.

This ''Jane  woman will NEVER change!!!! You wife needs to find another friendship group. Try going to a church group (if you a re religious, take up cooking classes or Golf. Something where you both will meet new people.

I had a friend just like that, and I too landed up being her doormat for many years. Luckily I had to move, and I got as far away from her as possible. She called me the other day, and guess what, she hasn''t changed a bit!!!!

Good luck, this one will not be easy to dodge :)

Reply to Shelly
Posted by: Truth | 2011/03/23

Romany poses some relevant questions.
It is not a husbands place to choose his wifes friends unless it is causing problems in your marriage.
It does not sound like this is the case here except you just dislike this person.
Does your wife choose your friends?

Reply to Truth
Posted by: Lilly | 2011/03/23

I had a friend like that, thought she was more important than me.. after a few years i got tired of it and ease out of the friendship. Your wife will too if her friend doesn''t give her the due respect.

Reply to Lilly
Posted by: Romany | 2011/03/23

Does your wife have a problem with " Jane"  at all?
Please do not be offended, but reading your post it sounds like you are the one having a problem with " Jane" .
If your wife enjoys being in jane''s click....then why bother.
You may be harbouring jelousy towards Jane as she has some of your wife''s admiration and your wife likes spending time with her?

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Gracie | 2011/03/23

what a selfish shallow woman this Jane is, your wife needs to dump her sorry-|-of a " friend"  ... what a bitch she seems to be ... no doubt lives in the lap of luxury, alternatively she is the SA version of Real Housewives .... sounds like something out of a soapie ... she is using your wife as the rest of her socalled friends ...

Reply to Gracie
Posted by: Maria | 2011/03/23

Is it possible for your wife to make new friends elsewhere and escape out of this unhealthy circle of friends? Easier said than done, I know. I wonder if Jane feels somewhat threatened by your wife who doesn''t really " need"  her and wants to approach her on equal terms.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Jack | 2011/03/23

Sounds like Jane needs a good hard long **** from a total asshole whos a bigger dictator than she is, she needs to be broken badly and then trained up much like the Dog Whisperer would do, to remind her that shes just a little bitch like the rest of the pack.

But thats Janes problem, YOU should put your foot down and tell your wife to stop wasting her life with sub human retards, and spend more time with you.

Reply to Jack
Posted by: Maria | 2011/03/23

Nobody needs a " friend"  like that in their life.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Mmhh... | 2011/03/23

It appears the focus of your post is more on Jane than on your wife per se, there is so much that you dscribe about Jane, and so much that annoys you.
The only person that you can assist, and that''s if they feel they need help, is your wife - her ability to feel complete and good-enough without the queen bee. But again, Jane is her friend and she might not see things in the same way you do, she might not feel that there''s an issue at all.

Reply to Mmhh...
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/03/23

Such a syndrome is not formally accepted or recognized, but such patterns of course do occur. Sounds like Jane is a big-headed and hard-hearted petty ditator, and though she has actually no power whatever except what these women choose to give her, apparently they give her more than is good for them or her.
lets see what other, woman, readers, think about this situation

Reply to cybershrink

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