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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2011-05-24

Does he deserve another chance

Last year I met a guy whilst walking at the flea market, he was very charming and we exchanged numbers etc. Things progressed from there and eventually we started dating. Initially he was very nice and would be very attentive. Then I noticed that he went a bit haywire when he would drink –  I don’ t take alcohol at all. It would get so badly out of hand that he would lose his cell phone and money (I was never with him when he went on his drinking sprees). I broached the subject with him as I come from a home where my father was alcoholic and he kept making excuses. It got so bad that he actually lost his car due to being so drunk. I live close to his work and he would come and stay over when he was on shift –  as soon as payday comes around he disappears telling me he has to go home to give his grandmother money. He would be so drunk he would leave my place at 6pm and return the next day at 6pm. I made it clear to him that he was being disrespectful to me and he would give me attitude telling me that he is not married to me and he will never give up drinking for a woman. Needless to say I got fed up with his stories and drunkenness I broke off the relationship. That was in December. Since January he has begging me to take him back –  He has gone for counseling and has been sober since then. He has been telling me that he still loves me and he realized that he made a mistake. All this and he is only 30.
I don’ t know what to do, whenever I think of giving him a chance I am reminded of what he did in the past. I know that everyone deserves a second chance however for him I have lost count. How do I handle this situation? Your advice will be appreciated.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

He has a serious drinking problem, and would not make a good mate. He is married to alcohol, not women. If he has managed to stay dry since January ( of course you only have his word for this ) you might want to encourage him to continue to stay dry, and maybe to join AA, but be cautious about taking him back as a close friend, let alone a lover or live-in.
The "everyone deserves a second chance" idea is not actually part of the constitution. Not everyone deserves a second chance - would you offer one to a serial killer, or to Bin Laden ?
And after a second chance, does anyone really deserve a 4th, 7th ot more chances ?
If he's serious, let him demonstrate it by remaining dry, and maybe meeting you socially for coffee now and then.

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7
Our users say:
Posted by: Kim | 2011-05-25

dear, second chance for what, you are not God, leave the guy asseblief, before its too late and you are old and unatractive to find another guy who will give you a second look.

Reply to Kim
Posted by: Robbie | 2011-05-25

yes we all deserve second chances, but 5 months aint long to be sober, let him have a second chance with someone else, start a new page and let him go, alcohol ain''t an easy thing to just let go, but my question also is this how can he stop drinking now and not before, or is he playing some game and just gonna wait for another 3 months after you back together and then he starts again. Hope you make the right decision based on what is in your heart.

Reply to Robbie
Posted by: HH | 2011-05-24

are you so desperate for a relationship that you want to spend your life with a pathetic drunkard?

get some self respect, woman...there are plenty of decent guys out there, who are NOT addicted to substances

Reply to HH
Posted by: Truth | 2011-05-24

Flea markets are for passing on second hand goods that no one else has use for or that do not work.
Your BF seems to be exactly that - put him back on the shelf and try to find a more suitable partner from a reputable store.

Reply to Truth
Posted by: Romany | 2011-05-24

You say that you know that everyone deserves a second chance and then you say I" however for him I have lost count" 

No girl, I suspect you have gone through a lot of hassles with this man and I do think that is why he wants you back. If it was the second chance only, yes, but I read between the lines that it is not.

Move on, find love and happiness with a stable person without an addiction.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Mrs P | 2011-05-24

It is a big risk you are taking, let''s make no bones about that if you do decide to give him another chance. Still, if he has gone for counselling and has been sober for five months, then, that is a sign that he is serious and wants to change.

It''s tough, because you are putting your heart on the line, and what if he changes the minute you do take him back and goes back to the drinking.

I would give him a chance, but one step out of line, and he is history. And he needs to know that up front.

All the best

Reply to Mrs P
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-05-24

He has a serious drinking problem, and would not make a good mate. He is married to alcohol, not women. If he has managed to stay dry since January ( of course you only have his word for this ) you might want to encourage him to continue to stay dry, and maybe to join AA, but be cautious about taking him back as a close friend, let alone a lover or live-in.
The "everyone deserves a second chance" idea is not actually part of the constitution. Not everyone deserves a second chance - would you offer one to a serial killer, or to Bin Laden ?
And after a second chance, does anyone really deserve a 4th, 7th ot more chances ?
If he's serious, let him demonstrate it by remaining dry, and maybe meeting you socially for coffee now and then.

Reply to cybershrink

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