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Posted by: Lindsey | 2011/05/06

Does he deserve a 2nd chance ?

we were married for 3 years , he cheated twice and the last affair resulted in a child being born. I divorced him. A year later after divorce he got married and now is getting divorced with the 2nd wife . He desperately wants me back ,he has been trying very very hard to win my trust back and to get married again. I dont ever want to get married, i dont mind a meaningful relationship. He looks like a changed man but the memory of all the hurt and humiliation I endured still lingers in my mind.Family is divided , some wants me to give him a chance and some totally dispise him. i honestly still have hearts for him but we had one hell of a very bitter divorce that led me to even doubting if I ever knew him at all as a husband. Our 3 kids are more happier when he is around but I just dont trust him at all . Please help what should I do ?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I wonder why he is so eager to be married, when he doesn't seem to respect the bases of marriage. Maybe he's a changed man, maybe he's simulating the degree of change to as to get what he wants.
How many chances does he deserve ? He cheated you at least twice, and after these last chances, was apparently still prepared to cheat. And presumably something similar went wrong with the second marriage. This is not a question of giving him a second chance - he;s had several of those. Giving extra chances to someone whose behaviour is essentially selfish and thoughtless doesn't usually solve any problems.
He cheated on your kids, too, but they don't know that.
He can still, with a properly worked out agreement with you, have access to spend some time with the kids, without re-marrying you.
ou have proof he has unprotected sex with other women, which risks your health and life.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Just saying too ! | 2011/05/07

" Just saying"  you are so spot on ! I was going to respond but you have said EXACTLY what I was going to say. It''s uncanny.

Reply to Just saying too !
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/05/07

I wonder why he is so eager to be married, when he doesn't seem to respect the bases of marriage. Maybe he's a changed man, maybe he's simulating the degree of change to as to get what he wants.
How many chances does he deserve ? He cheated you at least twice, and after these last chances, was apparently still prepared to cheat. And presumably something similar went wrong with the second marriage. This is not a question of giving him a second chance - he;s had several of those. Giving extra chances to someone whose behaviour is essentially selfish and thoughtless doesn't usually solve any problems.
He cheated on your kids, too, but they don't know that.
He can still, with a properly worked out agreement with you, have access to spend some time with the kids, without re-marrying you.
ou have proof he has unprotected sex with other women, which risks your health and life.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Truth | 2011/05/06

Hi Kasandra
Looked at the Hazeldene/todays gift website which is for addiction problems and was impressed.
After reading your posting where you suggested she did not take him back- l was wandering what if he really has changed.
If he is a reformed man who echos your inspirational words maybe he really has transformed. And would not make the same mistakes if given another chance?
Your words of wisdom from his point of view are entirely different from her point of view, think about it!

Reply to Truth
Posted by: Kasandra | 2011/05/06

SPOT on Slowly...

Its brilliant and also gets forwarded to me everyday.

The messages are so true.

Reply to Kasandra
Posted by: Slowly | 2011/05/06

Kasandra, looks like you get the same daily message as me - Todaysgift - Hazelden?? Excellent stuff must say - I have a host of people I forward it onto every day!!

Reply to Slowly
Posted by: Romany | 2011/05/06

The answer of your question lies within yourself.
If you love this man and you believe that he has changed and want to give him a second chance, then you should.
This is not up to the families or anyone else.
Although the knowledge of what he did to you and the trust issues will not go away, this can actaully work if both of you want this to work.
However, do not get married. Not just yet in any case.
Give this time, lots and lots of time if you want to try again.
And if you do this. Well done to you, Everyone deserves a second chance.
If you don''t do this. Also ok... you both will survive.
Good luck

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Dollies | 2011/05/06

I am in the same situation but girl STAY AWAY. I gave him a fourth change and now i am sitting with the pain and humiliation AGAIN. If he had loved or cared for you he would not have cheated the 1st time. I know exatly how you feel ... YOU LOVE him but he is not worth it.

Reply to Dollies
Posted by: Kasandra | 2011/05/06

Today I accept the fact that I have made mistakes.

I find comfort in knowing that, in the past, I did what I thought was right at the time. What makes my mistakes seem so bad is that I judge them by what I know today. I know more than I did then, and less than I will tomorrow.

I trust that, in the future, I will not make the same mistakes. I have more information now, and I will be able to handle things differently and make wiser choices. I accept myself for who I was then and for who I am today.

DONT GO BACK TO PAST MISTAKES. MOVE FORWARD

Reply to Kasandra
Posted by: Woman | 2011/05/06

Think of how your life was with him, think about the pain and humiliation. Now think of your future. with him. It will be more of the same. Easy answer - no, no, no! You know how it will end - he will cheat again, and again and again.

You deserve a man who will love and respect you. You deserve better and your children deserve to grow up in a home that is better than his.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Just saying! | 2011/05/06

He want''s you back because you allowed his cheating ways! and knows if you take him back he is free agent again to do what he wants, move on and rather have a meaningfull relationship with a man that is meaningfull, once a cheat always, they never change, why do you want to take him back anyway.
he had unprotected sex with the other woman that resulted in a child , start to love yourself and MOVE on, you are heading for big hurt again, dont listen to your heart but your head in this case, he is on the rebound,

Reply to Just saying!
Posted by: Maria | 2011/05/06

Be civil with him for your kids'' sake. Even be friends if you want to be. But taking him back as a partner/husband seems like a stupidly dangerous thing to do.

Reply to Maria

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