advertisement
Question
Posted by: KR | 2011/05/14

Do I Need to Get Out of This Relationship?

I was married and divorced a true narcissistic man. I waited over a year to start dating, and became friends with a male co-worker. He seemed nice, kind, he made me laugh, he was open. I discovered he had a drinking problem, and he wasn''t nice when he drank. He wallows, loses his temper, kicks me out of his house, and puts me down. I am a single mother with two boys, I work full time and go to school. He puts me down regarding my job. He is not supportive of the time I have to put into school. He has ruined major holidays, birthdays, and outtings over the past four years. He says things like I want attention, I am stubborn, I am hardcore, you win. We have been engaged for over a year but I won''t move in with him unless something changes. He gets jealous easily and questions everything I do to the point where I feel like I have to explain the most simplest of things. Then, he accuses me of explaining everything. He makes sarcastic comments about everything, and if I talk about someone or something, he says he doesn''t want to hear about them  he wants to talk about us, and accuses me of not caring about him. I feel this relationship changing me, and all the things he used to say he loved about me, he complains about now. It makes me question myself, but he has not beaten my self-esteem. Is that what he is trying to do? Why is he doing this?

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maybe it was wise to wait a year before starting to date again, but it sounds ( its not clear in your message ) as though you committed yourself to this new arrangement with a problem drinker / alcoholic, rather too quickly.
He seems very free to criticise you for all your failings, real or imagined or exaggerated, but apparently fails to notice his own glaring faults ?
So you're engaged : Don't marry a man with a drinking problem or the other bad behaviours you describe. What possible advantage could that be ?
He is doing this because he has many problems he doesn't want to face up to or fix, and prferes to blame you or others for everything. Unless and until he can stop drinking, and stay stopped, and work with proper help to deal with his other issues, he will not be a worthwhile companion. YOu could do better, and deserve better

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

4
Our users say:
Posted by: K | 2011/05/16

you DO know it is possible to lead a life without having a man? until you believe this, nothing will change....and you will have a life similar to " Beyond Tired"  (another female poster too scared to let go of a destructuve guy)

Reply to K
Posted by: KR | 2011/05/15

I could write a book describing this situation. What I didn''t say before is I didn''t know he had an alcohol problem until almost two years into our relationship because he travel all the time for his work. He hid it very well. All couples fight, and it was normal in the beginning. He had an ex-wife, who even his family says " put him through the ringer" . He treated her fairly through the divorce, and I thought he was a " stand-up kind of man" . He was more of a father to my boys than my ex. I guess I was blind or too trusting. I opened up to a few members of his family, and they admitted they suspected his drinking problem. I decided to speak to my fiance and sugest behavioral/couples counseling for us. He was prescribed some meds., but he didn''t put in the effort for very long. Our counselor dropped us. I guess I am asking the opinion of my peers because " how much is too much when you love someone?"  I can''t leave someone because they have cancer, or a bought of depression from loss of parent etc. When I commit. I commit. My problem is, how do I give up? I left my husband after 17 years, so I know I am capable. The problem is, I see alcoholism as a disease. My ex-brother-in-law stopped drinking and my fiance''s brother stopped drinking. Both men are good husbands today. I guess somewhere inside I was hoping for the same thing. Do I give up? And how do I let go?

Reply to KR
Posted by: Realist | 2011/05/15

Ooooowee ! You have ended up with a real " rear end"  Surely you know the answer to your question ? Why continue to punish yourself with such a loser ? I don''t get it.

Reply to Realist
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/05/15

Maybe it was wise to wait a year before starting to date again, but it sounds ( its not clear in your message ) as though you committed yourself to this new arrangement with a problem drinker / alcoholic, rather too quickly.
He seems very free to criticise you for all your failings, real or imagined or exaggerated, but apparently fails to notice his own glaring faults ?
So you're engaged : Don't marry a man with a drinking problem or the other bad behaviours you describe. What possible advantage could that be ?
He is doing this because he has many problems he doesn't want to face up to or fix, and prferes to blame you or others for everything. Unless and until he can stop drinking, and stay stopped, and work with proper help to deal with his other issues, he will not be a worthwhile companion. YOu could do better, and deserve better

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement