Posted by: Frustrated | 2009-01-14

Do i move on...after 24yrs

I (40yrs) married my husband (46yrs) at the age of 17, he was 22, we have been together now for 24yrs. 2 kids, both moving out shortly. one leaving for UK, other one engaged. So my husband slapped me around a few times in the marriage, cheated, had phone sex with other women, caught him most of the time. he broke his pelvis 2yrs ago, now have errection problems..and also obsessed with sites etc. taking photos of his penis sending to other women that he meets on sites. he cant sleep with them due to obvious reasons. I am at age i feel my work is done, i have opportunity to be with a other guy in AUS (we have been talking on skype now for 10 months) yes i am looking for the attention somewhere else! Now i must go and meet him, want to fly to him end of Jan, but will have to tell my husband, cant tell him to his face, he will kill me and break the house down. I really want to meet this guy but i know if i get on that plane my marriage is over. My husband still chats to other women but he tries to be a better husband to me, help with cooking, make me coffee etc...but i am not connecting with him emotionallly...i love him...but he has dissapointed me so many times. Do i walk away from all my life in SA, my good job, great house, kids, and grandchild on it' s way,... and make a life for me...or do i stick it out,.... and give my husband another chance.... i am so scared, confused, would love to meet the other guy but i cant just do u just walk away.... how can i know what is the right thing to do, My head tells me one thing, stay in SA, earn good salary, great house but my heart tells me go to AUS go live a new different life.... if i talk to the guy i want to leave today....if i dont i start analysing

Please advise me!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Your husband has been a major disappointment for you, and his efforts at finding boastful ways of simulating sex he's actually not competent to do, are sad. But ts good to hear that he is at least making some effort to acrt better towards you. I've seen your reply to other questions --- but couldn't the Aussie guy VISIT you here in SA, so you could at least get to know each other better before making decisions about intercontinental moves ? Does the decision have to STARTwith auch a big one ? YOu surely don't know, from mere phone-calls, enough about the other guy to know what your life with him might be. Arrange for him to meet you here, and form a basis for a wiser and better informed decision before burning your bridges here

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Our users say:
Posted by: Agree | 2009-01-15

If I were u,I would go visit him for a while-maybe a week or 2.Then next time he must come to SA....THEN U WILL TAKE IT FROM THERE.Ur hubby is not worth ur love at ll,he is not even worth fighting for.

U are still a bit young to give up on urself.Go out there and have fun.U desreve it.

Reply to Agree
Posted by: Shaz | 2009-01-15

My take on this and believe me I am talking from experience is that do not move right away, rather visit him for a while, anything from 2 weeks to a month depending on your visa commitments. During that time you will have a chance to explore the man and the country and be in a better position to decide if it is for you or not.

As for your husband, I think you need to ask yourself one question, if the roles where reversed would he stay with you or go to another country to meet another woman who could give him the attention and the sex he seems to be obsessed with. It doesn' t matter how many cups of coffees he makes for you, if he still persuing his internet interests without any consideration for you. If he was really committed to you and this marriage he would have stopped altogether. I thnk the only reason he is being nice is because he has reached the end of the rope and you are the only person that can tolerate him, if not for this erectile problem would he still be nice to you? or would he be out there acting on his obsession? YOu have raised your kids and have been a good wife to your husband only to have him throw it in your face with his habits. But, what have you done for " YOU" ?

In life everything happens for a reason. If after 24 yrs of marriage you are considering something like meeting another man in a diff country, then there' s your answer. You are not happy where you are. The fear of the unknown will always be there, but like I said, do this as a vacation first and test the waters, yo will then be in a better position to know what to do.

Good Luck to you!

Reply to Shaz
Posted by: KP | 2009-01-14

I really feel for you as you' ve been through a lot and must be feeling so desperate and frustrated.

But don' t run away.

If you want to stay with your husband, get some good counseling. He' s a pathetic man and you can' t help feeling sorry for him. But you say you love him, then do everything you can to make your marriage work before giving up on it.

If you want to pursue the Oz relationship, see what his commitment is and get him to visit you in SA.

Reply to KP
Posted by: Frustrated | 2009-01-14

he has real estate property in AUS and making good money for him.

I dont have a plan...if things dont work out for me....i will have to come back to SA and start over again?

I am scared I will make the wrong decision!

Reply to Frustrated
Posted by: Eish | 2009-01-14

Why does the AUS guy does not come to SA, why should u be the one sacrifising ur life?

What im saying is what is ur plan if this whole new thing in AUS doesnt work, cos in most cases they dont work...

Reply to Eish
Posted by: wow | 2009-01-14

have you ever watched the movie: how stella got her groove back?

this bastard of yours cannot even make love to you (properly) and he still has the audacity to do all that shit??? get into that plane, see this guy for a couple of days and if you feel you can make it with him - my dear, you have my blessings!! you need love and affection, you are 40years old and you are not growing any younger! The choice is yours

Reply to wow

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