Posted by: Jane | 2009-07-25



I' ve been in a relationship with a divorcee for the last four years.

I met him when he was seperated from his wife, we were friends for a couple of weeks before we starting dating.

As soon as we started dating he filed for divorce.

I was young and just went with the flow. His wife at that stage lived with someone else eventhough they werent divorced yet and because of that I thought that it is ok to date him eventhough they werent technicly divorced.

About a month after he filed for divorce she realised that she still loves him and that the guy she was living with ment nothing and she asked him for a second chance. At that time I told him that if that is what he wanted I will walk out of the relationship. He said that he loved me and that she hurt him too much and that he will never go back to her.

The divorce went through - assest were split and life went on.

His ex-wife has an disruptive personality she abuses alcohol, drugs and had countles one night stands and became bulimic - because of mutual friend what ever scandals happend came back to him, it used to upset him for weeks. In the end he asked her to please change her surname to her maiden name as he felt that she was dragging his name through the mud.

Her parents phoned him and begged him to help her because he was the only one that could ever get throug to her - that happend about a year ago. I was very upset, that they asked him to do this and I think because he wanted to please me he did not get involved.

Recently he got an email from her - asking for his forgiveness and then she told him that she recents me because if it was not for me he would have taken her back. She recents the fact that we are still in a stable relationship. The encounter with her has upset him again.

I do not understand why she still has this effect on him? If she does not matter why is he moody for weeks after any encounters?

I want to support him, but how do I make him understand that the way he acts hurts me as well?

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Our expert says:
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One can undeerstand, maybe, that the ex's parents felt desperate, but it was seriously unfair to ask him to try now to help her, when she probably has a signjficant personality disorder and would be unhelpable. He must change his e-mail address ( or effectively block all messages from her ) and ignore her from here on. She is EX, and will never move on with her own life, or allow him to do so, while he still allows her to make selfish contacts with him. He needs to prevent the encounters, and even consider getting a court interdict to forbid her from continuingn to harrass him

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