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Question
Posted by: Glen | 2011-10-09

Divorced with kids

Hi Doc
I have been divorced for three months and i have two small childred one is 8 and the other is 4, i have every second weekend with them and when its my weekend to fetch them, my little girl cries and wont come with me, says she wants to stay with her mom and see Mike (the new boyfriend
this is upsetting me what should i do , do i leave her or do i force her tocome with me.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

forcing a kid is never fruitful for any of you. Don't give up your expectation that she join you, and discus this with your ex, who may be better plaed to discuss this with the girl. Maybe the kid sees you as having deserted her, and is still feeling inappropriate anger. Or maybe, depending on the nature of the divorce, and how bitter it is, maybe the mom has been encouraging such anger and not encouraging the chil to spend time with dad ? What does the other child think about it ? Its an appropriate topic of discussion between you

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: Romany | 2011-10-10

I think it is unfair to call Mike a " lurker" .
Lucky for your wife to have found a guy that likes your kids.... He obviously likes your kids or they would not have preferred to stay with mom.
Three months is not too soon, depending on what happened in your marraige to cause the divorce.
What do you do when you have the kids? Do you sit in front of the TV and allow them to entertain themselves or do you do " fun" daddy and kid stuff when you have them?
Make their visits as fun as possible, after all you only see them every second weekend.... Take them to a park, play and be involved. They should look forward to the weekend with you.
Keep some of their toys and their clothes in your place, preferably in :their" room. So they must basically feel that they already have a place with you, not like guests.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Realist | 2011-10-09

I''ll bet " MIKE"  is really happy with this arrangement. having a 4 year old hanging around while he is hoping to enjoy some " alone"  time with his new squeeze.

Kids in a broken relationship are always a big proiblem. Neither of you can make a clean break and permanently get the other out of their lives, saddled with a bloody millstone around your neck for the next 20 years. .

How to persuade a 4 year old to prefer her dad to some other itinerant lurker is a difficult one. Maybe if you ex is really keen to spend some alone time with the lurker, she may be able to persuade the 4 year old, with sweets znd other treats to go with her Dad ? You certainly cannot force the kid to want to go with you if she doesw not like being with you. Tough one

Reply to Realist
Posted by: Jenna | 2011-10-09

It''s only been 3 months and your ex has already introduced a boyfriend?! That''s not good. And it seems your daughter has already gotten attached to him. I don''t know if it would be a good idea to force her but you should DEFINITELY speak to your ex- are they spoiling your daughter that she doesn''t want to come to you, are they bad mouthing you that she, is your ex encouraging your daughter to visit you, etc? Divorce is hard enough without new partners being introduced so early. Maybe a play therapist would help.

Reply to Jenna
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-10-09

forcing a kid is never fruitful for any of you. Don't give up your expectation that she join you, and discus this with your ex, who may be better plaed to discuss this with the girl. Maybe the kid sees you as having deserted her, and is still feeling inappropriate anger. Or maybe, depending on the nature of the divorce, and how bitter it is, maybe the mom has been encouraging such anger and not encouraging the chil to spend time with dad ? What does the other child think about it ? Its an appropriate topic of discussion between you

Reply to cybershrink

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