Posted by: Emotionally drained | 2009-01-13

Divorce the only option?

Hi Doc

My husband had an affair with a 20 yr girl 4 years ago and she had a child. I only found out about everything when the child was 3 mths old. Since then our marriage has gone downhill. He refuses to accept responsibility for the affair and says that its my fault everything is a mess as I picked up weight and that made him go out to the streets. I have wanted to leave him so many times then he would beg me to stay and told me that he would give everything to our marriage yet weeks later I would discover hundreds of calls and sms to the same girl. His excuse is always that he' s contacting his son. We have a busines, a home and 2 kids aged 2 and 4. I dont trust him and doubt I ever will again. I am an emptional wreck already and cannot tolerate this anymore. I have suggested councelling but he wont go. I think he is still involved with this girl as all the signs are there. WHy wont he let me go in peace? It feels as if this girl and her child gets preference above me and my kids yet I am working hard and she lays at home. Please, I need some direction. Sorry for the long post.

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Our expert says:
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Divorce is rarely the ONLY option, thopugh at times it might be the best option. But I feel it should not be rushed into without trying some marriage counselling first --- not necessarily to glue the rleationship back together, but to enable both of you to make a wiser and better informed decision, and to at leaat, should you decide to part, have a better chance of acvoiding the same problems in the future.
It is of course irresponsible nonsense for him to refuse to take responsibility for his free decision to have an affair --- you never forced him to have one. In mariage counselling you could also work out what is happening --- its fair that he might contact this other woman from time to time in regard to his son, but hundreds of calls and SMS are not needed for that. What reason does he give for refusing to join you in counselling ? Maybe you should start counselling on your own, and tell him that you'd prefer not to discuss him without his being there to defend himself, but, well. it's up to him.
Abnd consult a good lawyer --- as Nonnie says, he needs o recognize that he cannot have it both ways, and to recognize how much it would cost him were you to divorce him and get proper maintenance enforced against him

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Our users say:
Posted by: Nonnie | 2009-01-13

Nah, I would dump him.
He wants his bread buttered on both sides. He can' t have the both of you, and at the moment, he CAN, because you allow it. If you want to be this man' s sucker for the rest of your life, stick with him, but if you have any self respect, you won' t stand for this behaviour. I' d divorce him and make sure I take the business, the house, the kids, and the clothes off his back, so that he can' t care for his little girl that he threw his family away for to begin with.

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