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Question
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009/11/23

Divorce post 4003

Thank you for your advice. It surely does complicate matters that he spends so much time with his family who only reinforces his negative behaviour.
I have made an appointment with a psychologist this afternoon, but sadly it is only me again.
I am very frightened by the idea of life on my own with two young children and also about the effect a divorce will have on them.
I did not have the best role models in terms of communication and conflict handling either as my parents are divorced. Something my husband loves to bring up. However, I remeber as a girl, I always used to listen to them and think how I would in future avoid making the same mistakes. I took my time before getting married (dated 4 years before getting engaged to my husband). I always promised myself that I would never ever put myself and my children through a divorce.
But now? I feel like I am banging my head against a wall and surely I desever to have my emotions and needs acknowledged - let alone respected or valued!
I really want us to be able to sort this out, but I fear that he is only interested if things go his way. Not willing to learn (with me) to communicate better and get out of the circus of a family business.
Problem is that at the moment I am the one making the most mistakes! I am so full of resentment and anger from the past years that I am irratable and angry. He did try to do better - but not in the issues that I identified as big problems. He renovated the bathroom etc. I know I should be grateful and appreciate this, but before I think, I catch myself being rude to him. I wish all this anger would just disappear, but I think it will take more time and effort from his side.
He expects that if he does a few nice things over a week of two, I must just forget the other issues and be grateful and fine.
How do I get through to him and how do I stop acting in a way that is sabbotaging his attempts to make things better?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Obviously, you will discuss all this with your psychologist - but in a very real way, you are more alone while married to him, than you would be when you become independent.
Discuss your plans with your psychologist. Maybe there's not much need for you to keep trying to "get through to him" - the divorce proceedings may do so more than anything you can say in words. Don't assume you are sabotaging anything

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009/11/23

Obviously, you will discuss all this with your psychologist - but in a very real way, you are more alone while married to him, than you would be when you become independent.
Discuss your plans with your psychologist. Maybe there's not much need for you to keep trying to "get through to him" - the divorce proceedings may do so more than anything you can say in words. Don't assume you are sabotaging anything

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