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Question
Posted by: JJ | 2011/09/12

DIVORCE, HURTING ME!!

Hi,
Can someone please give guidance. I would like to know why a divorce hurts so much? We have a very nice little boy, 2years 6months old. Everyone is against her doing this divorce, and this is just making her more adamant to see it through. Her reasons for divorce, well according to me, is really weak. “ You didn’ t change from being nasty towards me for 3 years now, so I want a divorce.”  According to me it takes two for a tango, and I wanted to work it out but always get shoved out for the past years. I still want to work it out, I love her so much. I don’ t want the divorce. She actually had all the papers ready before she asked for the divorce, that was a real shocker for me as to, how long ago she has decided she want to do this. I understand why she is doing this, but why she is unwilling to sort things out, that is what is bothering me. The way she is suddenly so happy? Why did she threw out all our photo’ s including wedding, honeymoon, any photo that we are on together. Why has she said, when I said lets try again, now is not the right time, maybe afterwards when we still love each other we can try? That confuses me, why not try now??? It breaking my heart to see my small son starting to realize that there is something wrong, and wants to spend time with both of us at the same time but cannot. What/Who is driving her so passionately to do this? How can I get her to realize that we can still work it out and put this behind us and become stronger in our relationship? I don’ t want this divorce and I think she also doesn’ t, but don’ t want to look “ weak”  and stop it. Maybe I am wrong and she wants it with all her heart, I just don’ t know what to think anymore.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its hard to respect someone who refuses to try to sort out interpersonal problems, and who insists on a divorce without trying marriage counselling and a search for solutions. And someone who sees it as entirely about themselves, rather than about all 3 of you.
Sometimes such a person refuses to work with proper help because she fears findin a solution. Sometimes they're yearning for an ill-defined something out there which they are highly unlikely to find, but insist on trying to strive for. And they may fear thant in counselling, the essential emptiness of their quest may be unomfortably exposed.
Of course you want to know what this is actually about - whether or not she'd want to tell you, Iwonder whether she could, whether she understands it herslef. She sounds rather immature and confused.
Are the pair of you alone in the world, or are their parents and other relatives on her side who you could approach, who might usefully encourage her to try to be more grown-up about this ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Vicky | 2011/09/13

I''m sorry that u a hurt, let me tell you, your wife is also hurt. She''s had enough, i am sure she has been talking to you, telling you some of the things that she didnt like, maybe u kept on doing the very same things that she didnt like. She need her space now. And dont think someone is behind all this, or she''s got n affair, there''s no one in her life.

Reply to Vicky
Posted by: Romany | 2011/09/13

Maybe you should put in writing, here, what it is that you did to your wife that made her hate you so much that she is leaving you.
If nothing else, others can learn from your mistakes.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Phil | 2011/09/13

Well said PP  this is why this site is so great. We always think our own perceptions are right  untill you hear the views of others. Affording us to understand that their are always two sides to a story.

Reply to Phil
Posted by: PP | 2011/09/12

I really don''t understand why it is that she cannot be respected for taking a stand. If a woman says " you have been nasty to me for the past 3 years"  it must indicate that she feels abused by you. Why would a person want to be in that kind of situation and be expected to be happy. I really doubt that you did not see this coming. Maybe you thought you had her right were you wanted her and surprisingly now she has taken her power back you start to hurt!!!

Honestly how many times have you been in this situation were she " understood"  and you sorted things out. There comes a point were enough is enough.

I am sorry that you are hurting, but she is also doing this for your son, who might grow up thinking that it is ok to treat women like crap and get away with it.!!!!

Reply to PP
Posted by: woman | 2011/09/12

All I can say is that you are not elaborating on what you have done. Its ok for a man to destroy a woman in every way, but when she decides to leave and is happy, then the world crucifies her??? even if she has someone else...it might not be right, BUT CAN YOU BLAME HER? for both parties good luck!

Reply to woman
Posted by: Dude | 2011/09/12

Good luck then man, ps do update us.

Reply to Dude
Posted by: fRED | 2011/09/12

Sorry to hear the hurt that you are feeling. But it does get better even if it does not feel like that it would now. What ever her reasons for doing this are, you must just let it be. Let the number one person in your life be you child, and focus on that. Your wife will most likely come to her senses when it''s too late. Had a similar experence recently and I know that it hurts. Good luck

Reply to fRED
Posted by: JJ | 2011/09/12

To Cybershrink:
Her Parent actually live in our cottage at the back of the house. { I am still living in the same house as she does, until I get something else } They are very sad about it and have tried to talk to her but she is very adamant. They are supporting me when they can emotionally.
Her brother also tried to talk to her out his own accord, but was unsuccessful.
To the rest:
She doesn''t have someone else, well that is how it appears to be for me. She doesn''t go out at night or on weekends, she doesn''t receive phone calls that she takes and walk away to talk secretively.

If I can just get through to her and show her what it is doing to everyone, particularly to our son, I know she will give it a chance.


Reply to JJ
Posted by: Phili | 2011/09/12

Due was meant to be Dude...sorry
PS: sometimes hearing the harsh reality is good for you.

Reply to Phili
Posted by: Phil | 2011/09/12

JJ  Due is right. Don''t be surprised if she is already seeing someone else. Trust me  the hard *ss and the happyness are the signs. Been there  and know of many others too. don''t waste your time  it''s over. The sooner you realise that  the sooner you too can cary on with your life. And trust me  there is life after heartache...

Reply to Phil
Posted by: Dude | 2011/09/12

Dude this woman has been gone for a long time and has had enough time to think this through. She doesn''t want/love you anymore and already has a way foward/eveerything figured out. I wouldn''t be surprised if she is already with someone else.....yes women behave like yours when they have seen something " better" . Don''t force the isssue and most importanlty, don''t stay with someone who doesn''t want/love you anymore coz they will emotionally abuse you and take away your self confidence. Eiasier said than done bt trust me, she is done with you and you willnever have a good rship with her.lIKE YOU SAID, HER REASONS OR EXCUSES RATHER Are so lame!!!!!

Reply to Dude
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/09/12

Its hard to respect someone who refuses to try to sort out interpersonal problems, and who insists on a divorce without trying marriage counselling and a search for solutions. And someone who sees it as entirely about themselves, rather than about all 3 of you.
Sometimes such a person refuses to work with proper help because she fears findin a solution. Sometimes they're yearning for an ill-defined something out there which they are highly unlikely to find, but insist on trying to strive for. And they may fear thant in counselling, the essential emptiness of their quest may be unomfortably exposed.
Of course you want to know what this is actually about - whether or not she'd want to tell you, Iwonder whether she could, whether she understands it herslef. She sounds rather immature and confused.
Are the pair of you alone in the world, or are their parents and other relatives on her side who you could approach, who might usefully encourage her to try to be more grown-up about this ?

Reply to cybershrink

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