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Question
Posted by: charne | 2010/02/26

divorce

my husband have moved out about a month ago - we are both getting therapy seperately, and will be seeing a counsellor together next week. it was his idea to move out initially, now that i have been on my own for a while and discovering so much about myself through counselling, i actually don''t know if i want him back in my life....having said this, it is hard being on my own, coping with all the houselhold, children responsibilities and work on my own all of a sudden. he now wants us to kiss and make up, and just pretend nothing ever happened. how long do i give it before i make a final decision?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

The over-all idea of some separate counselling sessions and then some joint sessions, can be useful. But issues relating to your relationship and the advantages and disadvantages of getting back together, need to be part of the agenda for each of you in your individual sessions. It is not wise for a counsellor in a situationlike this to over-emphasize individual independence and growth without recognizing that there is an on-going, pre-existing relationship, which should not lightly be abandoned.
When you say he wants you to get back together " and just pretend nothing happened" - are those his actual words ? Or are they what you and/or your therapist assume he wants ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: charne | 2010/02/28

maybe it is what i assume - he just can''t understand why i am so hurt that he left. no cheating, as far as i know, he is bi-polar and has had a bad down spell, so disappeared for two days, then back, then gone again, until he finallly said he is moving out....i just don''t want to go through all the emotions again....we''ve also grown apart, he is no longer the man i married, and i also changed alot, but when do you give up and start a new life, and when do you keep on putting energy into something that just doesn''t feel right anymore?

Reply to charne
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/02/28

The over-all idea of some separate counselling sessions and then some joint sessions, can be useful. But issues relating to your relationship and the advantages and disadvantages of getting back together, need to be part of the agenda for each of you in your individual sessions. It is not wise for a counsellor in a situationlike this to over-emphasize individual independence and growth without recognizing that there is an on-going, pre-existing relationship, which should not lightly be abandoned.
When you say he wants you to get back together " and just pretend nothing happened" - are those his actual words ? Or are they what you and/or your therapist assume he wants ?

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Wise Owl | 2010/02/27

A lot depends on what has caused the rift. In short, if he has been cheating, don''t waste your time with counselling. If you take him back you simply validate his behaviour and he will think he can do it again AND he will be a lot more careful not to be caught again. Nail him for maintenance and make a start of a new life. By the way, moving out and apart never solves anything and in fact makes the whole situation 10 times worse.

Reply to Wise Owl

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