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Question
Posted by: Tanilani | 2010/01/19

Disturbing phone call from ex

Hi CS
I recently got divorced from my ex, after having been in this emotionally and verbally abusive marriage for ten years.Two weeks after the man moved out he moved in with his ex wife. Last Saturday at half past twelve in the night he phoned me, claiming my daghter wants to come home. I said I' ll come and fetch her, no problem. Then he said no, he wants to bring her, and then he wants to come and sleep with me!!! His girlfriend/wife/ex then spoke to me and said there is nothing wrong with my daughter, she is sleeping soundly, it is just him having a bit of " dronkverdriet" , he will get over it. He again said he wants to come to me and when I refused again he asked if it is because I have a boyfriend. I just said goodnight and put the phone down. (At this stage I am definitely not interested in any man!) The next morning I spoke to my daughter, and his girlfriend asked to speak to me. She then said he is crying his eyes out about what happened, and he can' t even remember it happened. She is going to take him to a docter to get anti-abuse tablets, and she promises me she will make sure it never happens again because she is concerned about my daughter. Up till now he has not even tried to apologise to me, and I feel it was a very serious incident that needs to be discussed. Should I just leave it, or should I talk to him and ask him what is he going to do about the situation, because I fear for my daughters'  safety if he decides to put her in the car in the middle of the night while he is drunk, and come to my house which is about 20kms away. My daughter is 9, and she is thankfully unaware of this specific incident.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You are divorced, and he must try to be a man about this and to take full responsibility for his choices and actions. Sounds like he has a drinking problem, for which he should see a proper shrink working in that field, and get proper treatment for it, and avoid troubling you or your daughter with his bad habits.
If you fel there is good eason to be con cerned about your daughter's safety, due to his drunken behaviours, you would be entitled to withhold her visits to him until he has completed some proper treatment and is stable again.
If her visits to him are simply an agreement between the pair of you, you can decide and enforce this without much likelihood that he will be foolish enough to go to court to try to challenge this, especially if he can regain contact by getting the treatment he needs.
If the isits were decided by the divorce court, you may want to consult a lawyer and see whether it would be wise to approach the court and ask for this limitation to be officially recognized.
Talking it over with him may not be productive, though informing him that you look forward to aranging further visits for your daughter AFTER he has received effective treatment, may be something you'd want to inform him about, when he is sobre.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/01/19

You are divorced, and he must try to be a man about this and to take full responsibility for his choices and actions. Sounds like he has a drinking problem, for which he should see a proper shrink working in that field, and get proper treatment for it, and avoid troubling you or your daughter with his bad habits.
If you fel there is good eason to be con cerned about your daughter's safety, due to his drunken behaviours, you would be entitled to withhold her visits to him until he has completed some proper treatment and is stable again.
If her visits to him are simply an agreement between the pair of you, you can decide and enforce this without much likelihood that he will be foolish enough to go to court to try to challenge this, especially if he can regain contact by getting the treatment he needs.
If the isits were decided by the divorce court, you may want to consult a lawyer and see whether it would be wise to approach the court and ask for this limitation to be officially recognized.
Talking it over with him may not be productive, though informing him that you look forward to aranging further visits for your daughter AFTER he has received effective treatment, may be something you'd want to inform him about, when he is sobre.

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