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Question
Posted by: GSpark | 2010/10/18

Disgusted with Parents

Morning, I found out over the weekend that my dad slept with prostitutes before emigrating to SA from Europe (he is now 76). I tried to discuss it with my parents but they defend each other and tried to turn it on me, telling me I was not innocent either. How could my mother be so desperate to marry a man that paid for sex. Oh, my mother told me in those days it was different then these days, no Aids. Damn, it is not just about age, it is the principle. Oh I get so angry writing this down. I wonder what else they have done. I am now 43 and maybe it is the age I am at, but I realise more an more my parents have secrets, and don''t always tell the truth and they know everything and everybody else is wrong. I have this gut feeling my dad had sex with me when I was small. How can I know for sure? Who can help me find out about me as a child, a hypnotist or something. I need now to get to the bottom of this. I went for an Aids test the other day, I had unprotected sex. My life flashed in front of me on the way to get the result. I realize now, how precious life is and how blessed I am that my daughter still has a mother without Aids. I have learnt my lesson. Feeling loved and wanted for those few hours by having unprotected sex, is NOT worth it. I think my promiscuous life has something to do with my upbringing and parents. I need to track the source. Please advice, for now I avoid my parents as I have no respect for either of them, they disgust me.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I hear and respect your feelings of disgust and upsetm but wonder about some of it's components.
I wonder how you found out about what apparently happened way back before your parents came to SA. It's hardly something either of them are likely to have told you about. You don't mention where they came from, but there are other cultures, in Europe, africa, and elsewhere, where this sort of thing is not seen as being as awful as we might see it it is importan to try to understand them within the original culture they came from.
before the age o AIDS there were still serous STD which could kill people, but there was less of a recognition, at times, and in certain eras, that promiscuity could bring a serious illness.
All parents have secrets, big and small, and usually they tell some lies, big and small. Usually they do what seems to them to be the best option, often not tellign you the truth, or the whole truth, for fear that it would upset you - or perhaps just thinking that it doesn't really affect you. No parents, of course, could tell their kids EVERYTHING, because that's just not possible. Some things that later seem awfully big and important to you might genuinely not have seemed so important to them.
Now, actually quite separately, you say that you think your father might have molested you. I wonder where this idea comes from. There is a lot of highly irresponsible literature out there, in books, articles and on the web, arguing that there's an enormously high rate of child sexual molestation, and this is certainly exaggerated. There are wholly false, inaccurate and misleading claims that some set of symptoms or problems definitely prove that there was such molestation, and no such set of identifiers exists.
Child abuse, sexual, physicla or psychological is indeed sadly common ( and any whatever would be too much ). But it's not at all useful to convince people who have no real current problem that it MUST have been caused by something they don't actually remember, and which, if it occurred, they can't change.
Or are you thinking that if he can have been so unwise and degenerate as to have consorted with prostitutes in earlier years, he may well have also thought little of molesting his daughter ? That's not an accurate predictor in fact, though it may feel emotionally true.
In one's earliest years, one's brain does not have the capacity to form useful memories of events, and attempts to force remembrance from those times often produces "memories" of things which didn't actually happen at all, but which for whatever reason one expects to have happened.
Hypnosis is not only useless to achieve what you want, but has very significant risks - it laves you very highly open to suggestion, even by hint, and to "finding" whatever you expect or are led to expect, even is there is absolutely no basis in fact for such events.
You have learned a good lesson about the risks of unprotected sex, and it's good to know you have apparently not contracted HIV.
You are wise to want to work towards changing whatever feelings lead to a risk of unprotected and unsafe sex. But tracking the source is not only highly unlikely to be successful, but also entirely and totally useless.
What would genuinely help would be something like CBT ( Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy ) which would help you to identify and change the attitudes, assumptions and behaviours that might put you at risk, of both risky behaviour and unhappiness, and revising them towards a happier and safer life-style.
Whatver happened in the past does NOT influence or decide your future - the conclusions you have currently formed ABOUT that past, and the assumptions you have based on those conclusions, THAT is what significantly affects your present and your future. Fortunately, you can change these assumptions, because you cannot change the past itself ( and don't need to do so ).

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6
Our users say:
Posted by: Claire | 2010/10/20

I am nearly your father''s age and what I did in my life has absolutely NOTHING to do with my children. I made decisions which were not always right, we all have, but nothing to cause any distress or upbringing of my children. You are searching for things which aren''t there to salve your own behaviour. So what if your father slept with prostitutes in his younger days? Dd it affect you as a child? Now you are crying " Shame"  because of what you did. I am furious with you.

Reply to Claire
Posted by: Gigi | 2010/10/20

How dare you critisize your parents like that. What makes you think you have the right. I would never have dared to say anything like that. Liza is spot on! My 2cents worth.

Reply to Gigi
Posted by: Woman | 2010/10/19

Thx Liza, i cudnt hav put it better myself, i used to blame my parents for everything and anything i couldnt achieve in life,my insecurities,temper,lack of self esteem etc, until i realized that,that would keep me from " living my life"  as best as i can, and i''ll always find someone else to blame for the way my life turns out, or the mistakes i make..The choices i make and the way i am, is the way i choose to be, and i started forgiving my parents for whatever they did to me,because it would only do me harm in holding on to their mistakes,and trust me it only went better from that moment on, esp when you have children of your own,when you understand your parents'' mistakes better.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Liza | 2010/10/18

If you can''t remember being molested - then you weren''t. There are many unscrupulous therapists out there providing hypno-therapy which can actually CREATE false memories about abuse. There is no scientific proof that hypno-therapy really works. And a lot of evidence that it frequently does more harm than good.

Why do you want to scratch about in the past? You sound very judgmental about your parents. Everybody makes mistakes that they''re ashamed of. It''s even worse that you''re scratching around in your parents'' past. Why wonder about what other secrets they are keeping? It has absolutely nothing to do with you! What gives you the right to judge them anyway? Are you perfect? - from your post, obviously not!

It truly sounds like you''re just looking for someone else to blame for your choices. No amount of therapy is going to help unless you admit to yourself that you are the only person to blame for your own bad choices! I recommend that you go for CBT-style counseling so that you can realize that you''re the only one in control of your own life and so you can learn how to make better choices in future.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: GSpark | 2010/10/18

Thanks Doc. You make sence. My brother immegrated to Europe a month ago and his son (18) is living with my parents to finish matric before he joins his parents. He was talking to my parents, and my dad had one to many glasses of wine and told him. my duahgter (11) was there and she heard the converstation. They told me and I confronted my parents. My daughter said that her grandfather smaked her on his bump when she was there and he never done that ever before. He is Italian and my mother Afrikaans. Ad my dad told the kids about his visits, my mom piped up and said she was raped by gun point. I know she was nearly raped when young. I think she is making it up, because when I was raped she told me about the nearly rape she went through. and because my dad was getting the attention, her story has d=to be worse then his. She is one of those people that is always bigger and better or worse then you. But I still don''t understand how she thinks there is nothing wrong with him visiting prostitutes.

Reply to GSpark
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/10/18

I hear and respect your feelings of disgust and upsetm but wonder about some of it's components.
I wonder how you found out about what apparently happened way back before your parents came to SA. It's hardly something either of them are likely to have told you about. You don't mention where they came from, but there are other cultures, in Europe, africa, and elsewhere, where this sort of thing is not seen as being as awful as we might see it it is importan to try to understand them within the original culture they came from.
before the age o AIDS there were still serous STD which could kill people, but there was less of a recognition, at times, and in certain eras, that promiscuity could bring a serious illness.
All parents have secrets, big and small, and usually they tell some lies, big and small. Usually they do what seems to them to be the best option, often not tellign you the truth, or the whole truth, for fear that it would upset you - or perhaps just thinking that it doesn't really affect you. No parents, of course, could tell their kids EVERYTHING, because that's just not possible. Some things that later seem awfully big and important to you might genuinely not have seemed so important to them.
Now, actually quite separately, you say that you think your father might have molested you. I wonder where this idea comes from. There is a lot of highly irresponsible literature out there, in books, articles and on the web, arguing that there's an enormously high rate of child sexual molestation, and this is certainly exaggerated. There are wholly false, inaccurate and misleading claims that some set of symptoms or problems definitely prove that there was such molestation, and no such set of identifiers exists.
Child abuse, sexual, physicla or psychological is indeed sadly common ( and any whatever would be too much ). But it's not at all useful to convince people who have no real current problem that it MUST have been caused by something they don't actually remember, and which, if it occurred, they can't change.
Or are you thinking that if he can have been so unwise and degenerate as to have consorted with prostitutes in earlier years, he may well have also thought little of molesting his daughter ? That's not an accurate predictor in fact, though it may feel emotionally true.
In one's earliest years, one's brain does not have the capacity to form useful memories of events, and attempts to force remembrance from those times often produces "memories" of things which didn't actually happen at all, but which for whatever reason one expects to have happened.
Hypnosis is not only useless to achieve what you want, but has very significant risks - it laves you very highly open to suggestion, even by hint, and to "finding" whatever you expect or are led to expect, even is there is absolutely no basis in fact for such events.
You have learned a good lesson about the risks of unprotected sex, and it's good to know you have apparently not contracted HIV.
You are wise to want to work towards changing whatever feelings lead to a risk of unprotected and unsafe sex. But tracking the source is not only highly unlikely to be successful, but also entirely and totally useless.
What would genuinely help would be something like CBT ( Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy ) which would help you to identify and change the attitudes, assumptions and behaviours that might put you at risk, of both risky behaviour and unhappiness, and revising them towards a happier and safer life-style.
Whatver happened in the past does NOT influence or decide your future - the conclusions you have currently formed ABOUT that past, and the assumptions you have based on those conclusions, THAT is what significantly affects your present and your future. Fortunately, you can change these assumptions, because you cannot change the past itself ( and don't need to do so ).

Reply to cybershrink

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