Our expert says:
I hear and respect your feelings of disgust and upsetm but wonder about some of it's components.
I wonder how you found out about what apparently happened way back before your parents came to SA. It's hardly something either of them are likely to have told you about. You don't mention where they came from, but there are other cultures, in Europe, africa, and elsewhere, where this sort of thing is not seen as being as awful as we might see it it is importan to try to understand them within the original culture they came from.
before the age o AIDS there were still serous STD which could kill people, but there was less of a recognition, at times, and in certain eras, that promiscuity could bring a serious illness.
All parents have secrets, big and small, and usually they tell some lies, big and small. Usually they do what seems to them to be the best option, often not tellign you the truth, or the whole truth, for fear that it would upset you - or perhaps just thinking that it doesn't really affect you. No parents, of course, could tell their kids EVERYTHING, because that's just not possible. Some things that later seem awfully big and important to you might genuinely not have seemed so important to them.
Now, actually quite separately, you say that you think your father might have molested you. I wonder where this idea comes from. There is a lot of highly irresponsible literature out there, in books, articles and on the web, arguing that there's an enormously high rate of child sexual molestation, and this is certainly exaggerated. There are wholly false, inaccurate and misleading claims that some set of symptoms or problems definitely prove that there was such molestation, and no such set of identifiers exists.
Child abuse, sexual, physicla or psychological is indeed sadly common ( and any whatever would be too much ). But it's not at all useful to convince people who have no real current problem that it MUST have been caused by something they don't actually remember, and which, if it occurred, they can't change.
Or are you thinking that if he can have been so unwise and degenerate as to have consorted with prostitutes in earlier years, he may well have also thought little of molesting his daughter ? That's not an accurate predictor in fact, though it may feel emotionally true.
In one's earliest years, one's brain does not have the capacity to form useful memories of events, and attempts to force remembrance from those times often produces "memories" of things which didn't actually happen at all, but which for whatever reason one expects to have happened.
Hypnosis is not only useless to achieve what you want, but has very significant risks - it laves you very highly open to suggestion, even by hint, and to "finding" whatever you expect or are led to expect, even is there is absolutely no basis in fact for such events.
You have learned a good lesson about the risks of unprotected sex, and it's good to know you have apparently not contracted HIV.
You are wise to want to work towards changing whatever feelings lead to a risk of unprotected and unsafe sex. But tracking the source is not only highly unlikely to be successful, but also entirely and totally useless.
What would genuinely help would be something like CBT ( Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy ) which would help you to identify and change the attitudes, assumptions and behaviours that might put you at risk, of both risky behaviour and unhappiness, and revising them towards a happier and safer life-style.
Whatver happened in the past does NOT influence or decide your future - the conclusions you have currently formed ABOUT that past, and the assumptions you have based on those conclusions, THAT is what significantly affects your present and your future. Fortunately, you can change these assumptions, because you cannot change the past itself ( and don't need to do so ).
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