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Question
Posted by: anon | 2010/08/14

disappointment

i need some sense knocked into me. perhaps literally. since a little girl i have dreamed of raising a family and being a wife. part of that dream included me having a little girl of my own. i am a girly girl. love make up and nail painting to baking and sewing. so i was blessed with a boy. i was disappointed at first but i got over it, it was my first and i knew my next would be my little girl. don''t get me wrong here, i love my son with all my heart and he has grown into a wonderful person with the kindest heart and the sweetest manners. it came time for our next child and having fertility issues it took some time but eventually we were blessed again. from the time i knew i was pregnant i knew i was having a girl. i would have my pigeon pair and life would be just perfect. i pictured my little girl playing with her brother and how he would be such a good big brother. my husband was also excited for a girl. it was meant to be. we found out the sex early on in the pregnancy and there was no mistaking our girl was in fact a strapping lad. no doubts whatsoever and it has been confirmed quite obviously at every ultrasound thereafter. i am now nearing my due date and i still have not accepted it. my husband has and my family are excited but i am sad inside. i keep telling everyone i am so excited but deep down i am not. i want to be. i want to be happy but i just keep praying that at each ultrasound i find out there was a mistake. i need to get over this disappointment. i need to stop being so selfish and ungrateful. after all i could very well not even have had this child as we have problems. i have three weeks to accept this and to love my child so i need some honest and harsh words. i know i have already told myself in this letter i am being ridiculous but it is not sinking in.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its interesting that your self-image ( its fine, of course to be a girly girl ) seems to depend so much not on what you are youreself, and what you do yourself, but on having a girl-child to be a girly-girl as well, or almost instead of you yourself.
What if you had a baby girl, who as she grew did not WANT to be a girly-girl ? Would her wishes be more important than yours ? Would she need to be created in your image, as it were ? Girl or boy, an issue seems to be that you want the child to be something paerticular FOR YOU, rather than anything at all For Itself.
You are not being ridiculous at all, and not even being selfish, but the extent of your sense of disappointment suggests that there are significant unresolved issues within you, about your sense of yourself, that would be very well working through with a good local counsellor. Its almost as though you have mixed feelings about the girly-girl thing, and feel free to enjoy that aspect of yourself only if it is confirmed by a similar daughter, only if you can share it with her. Counselling could help you to enjoy yourself as you are, and your children as they are.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Unique | 2010/08/16

GET OVER IT!!!

I''m a second girl ( 35) and I know that my father never REALLY got over his disappointment. He never REALLY loved me. He was kind of fine with my older sister - more interested in her achievements etc. but never me. I don''t even think he knew what grade I was in at times. Even my mother doesn" t love us equally. I guesse the situation was made worse by the fact my sister was the sickly child when we we young.

Reply to Unique
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/08/15

Its interesting that your self-image ( its fine, of course to be a girly girl ) seems to depend so much not on what you are youreself, and what you do yourself, but on having a girl-child to be a girly-girl as well, or almost instead of you yourself.
What if you had a baby girl, who as she grew did not WANT to be a girly-girl ? Would her wishes be more important than yours ? Would she need to be created in your image, as it were ? Girl or boy, an issue seems to be that you want the child to be something paerticular FOR YOU, rather than anything at all For Itself.
You are not being ridiculous at all, and not even being selfish, but the extent of your sense of disappointment suggests that there are significant unresolved issues within you, about your sense of yourself, that would be very well working through with a good local counsellor. Its almost as though you have mixed feelings about the girly-girl thing, and feel free to enjoy that aspect of yourself only if it is confirmed by a similar daughter, only if you can share it with her. Counselling could help you to enjoy yourself as you are, and your children as they are.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Beth | 2010/08/14

I had the same problem last yr and I told hubby that im hoping for a lit girl and hoped that maybe after delivery the doc will say its a girl but it never happened but I PROMISE U the second I saw that lit boy I fell in love with him he''s a little angel and I wud never change him for a girl.He''s a yr now and the cutest boy ever so don t worry it will pass as well and u will love him too..

Reply to Beth
Posted by: Lin | 2010/08/14

Maybe now is the right time to go for counselling. BEFORE baby''s birth. The counsellor will help you overcome your feelings and she will help you deal with it. I think it''s a good idea to go now as you might experience post natal depression and it might be worse because of your feelings now.

Reply to Lin
Posted by: Kelly | 2010/08/14

Once you see your beautiful boy, you will love and accept him. I know all about life and its dissapointment, but then I heard this lovely saying- ''want what you have''. You''ve already said that it could be worse, and that you might not have been able to HAVE any kids, like a good friend of mine. I personally want boys one day, even though I too am a girly girl. I used to ask my dad (I only have sisters) if he was dissapointed that he never had any sons and that the family name ends with us, and he used to tell me that he would be dissapointed if he never had us at all. You WILL love your new son, and you will see how great it is to see your boys playing together. Children are special and your love will squash any dissapointment.

Reply to Kelly

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