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Question
Posted by: Fanny | 2010-08-12

dilemma...letting go

I recently met a guy...we are both from broken relationships we thought were serious. i am sure to say i have dealt with my disappointments and have let go. on the other side, he seems to still be struggling to let go. He was dumped without an explanation by a woman who was cheating on him,..and he didn''t know. they were together for just over a year, and have been broken up for about 4months. we have a real good time together, great company, we have a lot in common, strive for the same things, he has said he loves me, we see each other almost on a daily basis, and go out on weekends etc. my problem is at some points, he keeps talking about this woman and the pain and confusion he went through. I am not sure if i should pursue a relationship with him. i asked him if he is over this woman, he says he is, but i am not so sure, she keeps popping up in our talks, i did mention this to him that i see he still talks about her. what do i do? do i take his word that he is over her, do i help him deal with the pain? and how? do i pull back, let him deal with his issues?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

As I keep on having to say - BEWARE of relationships entered into too quickly, when one or both of you are still smarting and hurting from a previous breakup - it's understandable, and often immediately comforting, but as the issues from the previous problems have usually not been worked ou yet, such relationships have more than the average range of problems.
Why not just be friends, deliberately NOT trying to be more than that, for some time to come, until the dust has settled from the earlier problems, and until he has fully let go of the woman who treated him so badly.
If he was truly over her, he would not need to still talk about her. You can see that he's not over her. Rather be a good friend right now

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-08-12

As I keep on having to say - BEWARE of relationships entered into too quickly, when one or both of you are still smarting and hurting from a previous breakup - it's understandable, and often immediately comforting, but as the issues from the previous problems have usually not been worked ou yet, such relationships have more than the average range of problems.
Why not just be friends, deliberately NOT trying to be more than that, for some time to come, until the dust has settled from the earlier problems, and until he has fully let go of the woman who treated him so badly.
If he was truly over her, he would not need to still talk about her. You can see that he's not over her. Rather be a good friend right now

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