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Question
Posted by: Torn | 2011/09/30

Dilemma : Objective advise required

Hi there
I have a dilemma.
My ex and I were in our early 20''s (now in mid-30''s). He was my first love and I have never completely gotten over him.
We have not spoken +- 10 years because we ended things badly - we went through something together that we were to young to deal with properly.
Now I have recently found out he went through something that may help him understand what I went through then. I was told that he has nothing against me and that I should contact him.
Now I would like to do so - and let him know that I have nothing against him either and wish him well. I feel it may finally give me the closure I have been looking for. I am married to the most amazing man - but I dont want to get in contact with my ex behind my husband''s back as it would not be fair to him and my only intention is to close the door on the past so that my husband and I can carry on with our future. I dont want to get back together with my ex - we are completely wrong for one another, but I feel that I would regret not taking the chance to let him know all is okay and possibly get closure on the past.
I do not want my husband to think it is anything more than that - how do I discuss this with him and get him to understand?
I am really torn what to do...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

WHY would you want to contact him again ? I'm not arguing against it, but in favour of more clarity of motives and expectations. If you don't decide where youre heading, you often don't get there, and may not realize that you've arived somewhere else.
Someone else has told you "he has nothing against you". How delightful ! Is that, someone else's opinion, a good basis for deciding to see him again ? You are already happily married to a good man - why hurt him ( or get into murky secrecy issues ) ? Isn't the door on that past already closed ? Seeing or contacting him again would only re-open it.
As there is clearly someone else communicating between you, why not simply, through that person, send him a message that you are now happy, and hope that he is, that you don't think it would be wise for either of you to get back in contact, and that you wish him well. ?

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: Man | 2011/09/30

You must let sleeping dogs lie!
Your closure was when you committed yourself to marriage with your husband. You are wrong in stating you have not got over your first love - this is immature clap trap. You are married to an amazing man, stop being dramatic and behave like a grown up.

Reply to Man
Posted by: Pamela | 2011/09/30

I think you should just leave it. You say you don’ t think you’ ve ever completely gotten over him but you want closure- that is not going to happen by contacting him in his time of need, so to say. If you wanted closure, you would’ ve done it BEFORE you got married. I think you want to be there for him and by contacting him while he is vulnerable is just going to send the wrong message. If my husband would approach me with the same story, I would be angry- not that he wants to talk with his ex, but about the fact that he wanted to talk about his ex NOW. It would make it look like you are not completely happy in your marriage- is that the case? I think talking to someone about this, in confidence, will be all the closure you need.

Reply to Pamela
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/09/30

WHY would you want to contact him again ? I'm not arguing against it, but in favour of more clarity of motives and expectations. If you don't decide where youre heading, you often don't get there, and may not realize that you've arived somewhere else.
Someone else has told you "he has nothing against you". How delightful ! Is that, someone else's opinion, a good basis for deciding to see him again ? You are already happily married to a good man - why hurt him ( or get into murky secrecy issues ) ? Isn't the door on that past already closed ? Seeing or contacting him again would only re-open it.
As there is clearly someone else communicating between you, why not simply, through that person, send him a message that you are now happy, and hope that he is, that you don't think it would be wise for either of you to get back in contact, and that you wish him well. ?

Reply to cybershrink

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