Posted by: Nina | 2012-09-05


I have been married for ten yrs and practically all of this time, I have thought that there is something wrong with me, because I don''t enjoy sex. Never reached an orgasm with hubby. And he never really tries to satisfy me. I have bought books to help us as a couple, which seem to have disappeared.

Sex is a little bit of fumbling, he pokes &  prods &  there is no stimulation. I keep telling him to be gentler &  not hurt me. He does his thing &  then just lies on top of me, not even bothering to check if I have orgasmed.

Anyway, I really thought something is wrong with me because i just never get turned on &  had no desire for sex. Not until, a friend &  I ended up kissing.

We were attending a conference &  one evening we were working together. We were chatting about everything, as we do, from family to the challenges we were experiencing.

He gave me a hug before leaving &  I can''t even remember how we ended up kissing. We both kind of got lost. I suddenly felt things that I never imagined feeling again. The kiss was soft &  passionate &  I was turned on.

There was a little bit of touching, but nothing serious. We talked about it the next day &  we both realized we had partners who have forgotten the art of loving. Sex for us both is just a job.

I know it was wrong. But I actually feel like a woman again &  i know that there isn''t anything wrong with me.

this happened over a month ago &  I still get horny just thinking of it. i wont be unfaithful, but I feel sad to think I will never have that full sexual experience.

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Our expert says:
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Your realization that you can and are a sexual being is wonderful .what is needed is coaching both for you and your partner to refresh processes that make the two of you want each immensely like sensate focus exercises

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Our users say:
Posted by: Victor | 2012-09-24

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Reply to Victor
Posted by: Gail | 2012-09-07

How I wish that the internet had existed when computers started back in 76 in my home. Sadly I was the one whose libido was non-existent for several reasons, miscarriages, constant moving around, financial worries as well as health issues. My husband could not get enough of me and I had been extremely orgasmic before my first child. He was a caring and imaginative lover while I was not as open to trying unusual things but forced myself. One of my major problems was that he didn''t want to accept my agreeing to have sex UNLESS I orgasmed. He wanted to pleasure me or it wasn''t enough. He would not take NO for an answer and as a result I fell pregnant with a second child when I was just recovering from infected fallopian tubes and he knew that I wasn''t on contraception. I was so angry with the whole world and living in a small town where there was no help, no real way to meet other mothers and my second pregnancy was the least problematic of six. The 6th pregnancy I terminated because my third child was only 6 weeks old when I conceived while still breastfeeding. Nina I did what you are doing and believe me I could out Oscar Meryl Streep when it comes to faking orgasm in the last eight years of our marriage. I did it for my sons after he had cheated on me and I gave him back all he expected from me including trust. We were in a terrible accident in which he died instantly and it has taken me 12 years to reach serenity and peace in my soul. I have not even contemplated looking for another man because although I am totally alone I am not lonely and neither am I compromising myself for someone else''s happiness. He was an awesome father in many ways esp for boys and we did not allow our dysfunctional life to affect them. I realise now that I wasn''t raped because I submitted and gave in to his demands and that I shared responsibility because I was given the strength to do so. Would I do it again knowing what I do now? Probably because I believe I did right by my boys and so have no regrets. I understood why he strayed and forgave and never once raised the subject because I hurt him as much as myself.

Reply to Gail
Posted by: Nina | 2012-09-07

Believe me I have tried guys. i have sat him down &  told him how I feel. I have bought books in the past &  told him we need to be open and comfortable with each other &  read them together. I thought we would learn together how to please each other.

Sally, I really do close my eyes &  wait for it to be over. I feel nothing. Not even a little bit of arousal. Just want it to be over because I know he will never please me or even try. I''ve never had oral sex with him, or let''s say i have never been a recipient. And I am not shy about pleasing him.

Guys I won''t leave &  am not thinking of starting a new relationship with anyone. But you can''t believe how sexually frustrated I am.

I''ve come to a point where I hate even looking at my body &  can''t imagine how anyone could find me appealing. And I am finding it so hard to believe that someone who is so attractive can be so fascinated with me. To be told that my stretch marks, chubbiness, etc. are attractive &  it''s not all about my body, but who I am. Over the past yrs, I have really come to feel that I am so unattractive.

Majozi, you''ve made me cry. I would love to feel intimate with my hubby to be able to send him a message like that. he would tell me I am sick. We arrived home the same time the other evening. I greeted him with a hug &  lightly brushed my hand over him. He asked me if I was crazy.

I would have been thrilled for just that brief intimacy. he keeps telling me I am old &  I must behave my age.

i really would love to have an orgasm even if just for the last time in my life. One that is not brought on by me masturbating.

I just feel like crying. Life is so unfair. And no I won''t leave because I refuse to have my kids in a broken home too. but I refuse to believe I am old and should stop wanting things that teenagers want. I need to be this matronly figure &  act appropriate. i ask for nothing from him. I am not demanding in any way. i don''t get spoiled or pampered or get gifts because i get told I am materialistic to expect things. But all I want is some romance, some passion.

I guess I must just live on &  maybe hope that someday something will change.

Reply to Nina
Posted by: Sally | 2012-09-07

Nina, there’ s nothing wrong with you. I have been married for 23 years and am enjoying sex and organism for the last 10 years even more now. I am very fortunate, my husband always tries to please me and want me to reach an organism every time which is not always easy. I would suggest you sit your husband down and tell him how you feel. It’ s not nice to have sex ever night and not enjoying it, no foreplay, and no sexual talk. You count in your head and hope that he will finish soon and all you wish for him is that he will be finish and get off so that you can go wash and sleep. You actually dread the moment you have to go to bed and keep yourself busy with unnecessary things hoping that he’ ll fall asleep. I have found now that I enjoy it with my husband that I feel disconnected with him if we don’ t have sex. I feel it more so when I am menstruating and feel distant from him. I really think you should tell him that you will need to do something to spice it up otherwise this may end up in an extramarital affair or divorce and he need to open his eyes and ears. But I think it is your responsibility to tell him how you feel, at least make an effort to reason with him, this way he can’ t say you didn’ t try.

Reply to Sally
Posted by: Majozi | 2012-09-07

Hi Nina...age has nothing to do with sex and sexual behaviour.I am 46 and my wife of 16 years is 44.We have sex almost everyday and she parades naked for me and sometimes tells me during the day when at work how she wants to -|- me that night,and we joke about and and have fun about it.Nothing will change your man,either you decide to die like that or you get yourself a guy who will do it on his behalf.

Reply to Majozi
Posted by: Lizelle | 2012-09-06

Wow Nina your story is exactly like my 1st relationship. No sex cold asshole. Wasted quite a few years and lost confidence but I certainly learned from this this terribly lonely relationship. Met a wonderful man who wants nothing more than to satisfy me sexually and he is a good lover too he is now the father of my child. To think u must spend the rest of ur life with this selfish man when a good man could be just around the corner.

Reply to Lizelle
Posted by: BlackMack | 2012-09-06

Not true Nina. There is no age limit or restrictions on how sexual you are suppose to be. Even if you had 4 kids and a busy career and still want to act like a head-over-heels teenager in love with him, it would be perfect because thats how he makes you feel.

He is too reserved and restrictive about sex (and associated items), he needs to understand the reason for you feeling like that and that he should be more appreciative that he still gives you butterflies. Ask him what he would do if you switched-off emotionally at this age (from a male persective, most women tend to lose the sex plot when they over prioritise on family, career etc and forget their own femanine instincts of being sexual beings).

Reply to BlackMack
Posted by: Deon | 2012-09-06

Nina, Remember new broom sweeps clean
in the begining he will promise you the world. bu live withat person for a couple of months and then you will see their colours.

I`m sure your partner was like that in the begining when you guys were courting(loving and promising you the world)

Don`t be gullable.

Reply to Deon
Posted by: Nina | 2012-09-06

Guys, I really do try. He has always been reserved &  conservative. I am 36, so I am not old (according to me anyway) &  i would love to send him a naughty message sometimes, or tell him that it is raining today &  I would much rather be in a bed with him than at work. But he tells me not to behave like a crazy teenager. I am a married woman with kids, so I must behave.

Guys, maybe I am doing something wrong?? At this age, should I be more reserved &  behave? Is that what is expected of wives?

Reply to Nina
Posted by: Nina | 2012-09-06

Chris758 that wasn''t me that posted!!!

Wow, I can''t believe that there are so many others out there that are feeling as frustrated as I am. I used to think there was something really wrong with me &  I must be so disgusting to my hubby.

I feel so good, I feel like I am really alive. I just needed that so badly. I am a plane Jane. Far from beautiful, according to me &  chubby. But my friend,( we keep in touch) says otherwise.

To be told that I am beautiful, I have the most beautiful smile, etc. To be told that when he is having a bad day, he calls me to make him see something positive, makes me feel like a woman again. I know this sounds corny, but I didn''t realize what a low self esteem I had.

He tells me he is visiting the city in the next month and would love to see me. I don''t know. Do I have this one moment in my life, or let it pass. We know nothing will ever come of this, neither need or want anything more. It''s just the companionship and the feeling that we exist.

Reply to Nina
Posted by: Riki | 2012-09-06

Why in the world is everything so unfair, I am over 50 love sex, have mind blowing orgasms but to shy or not really looking to find a partner, just have my sex toys...ladies/ men you guys need to appreciate your loving partners...and enjoy your sex live

Reply to Riki
Posted by: Jonathan | 2012-09-05

Wow Max - I could have written your Story myself!! I have to admit though - I sometimes feel like I''m wasting my Life with a Cold Woman who was once Loving and Affectionate - and has now become Cold and Withdrawn. Let''s not beat about the Bush here - I''ve spoken to here many many times - it''s like talking to a Brick wall and we eventually end up arguing about it. I have to be upfront and say I''m a neat, clean well-built guy - and I will NOT hesitate to have an affair with the first Decent Loving Female who shows any interest in me!! So far - no Luck yet!!

Reply to Jonathan
Posted by: Max | 2012-09-05

You are definitely not alone in this.
I have been married for 4 years and we have lived together for 3 years before marriage. Everything was perfect for the first 5 years - than from hero sex to zero sex. I am lucky if sex comes around once every 3 - 4 weeks. And yes we have spoken about this on several occasions, and we have both been to psychologists separately, but the problem persists.
Now i am thinking what is the point of the marriage. We still love each other, and we still support each other, but i will not have my kids (ages 1 and a half and 3) growing up in a " broken"  home. This is my sacrifice to them.

I am at the point now where i have emotionally detach myself from the situation, and sometimes wish i could die in a drive by gang-shooting just to stop the hurt (I am NOT suicidal) - but then I look into my children''s eyes and happiness overcomes me. And who is to say that if I were to pack my bags and search for another (and being bisexual my options are wide and varied) - after 3 years the same might happen.

I Suppose the next option is couples counselling.

I personally think some people are allegic to gold and diamonds - something about affecting the tendons in the thighs that make there legs close and their libido non-existant.

Why do you think woman smile so much when walking down the wedding isle - they know its the last blow job they will ever give.

Reply to Max
Posted by: Chris758 | 2012-09-05

You mentioned a another post your husband is to lazy to have sex daily. I also see that toys bring some relieve to you. I do not know how he cannot want you because you seem to be quite hot and playfull.

I do not know how old you are but sometimes your sex drive lowers if you get older. Mine on the other hand stays the same but my wife has stopped having sex or even just be naughty for an evening.

We are alone at home most weekends and used to have wild sex when the children were away and now nothing!! funny thing about seems there is always one of the couple who lost interest in sex and the other partner still needs it!!

that is why you kissed the other guy and still get horny thinking of are still alive!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply to Chris758
Posted by: XXX | 2012-09-05

There are many of us in the same boat Nina.My partner has no interest in sex and I have tried everything I possibly can.On top of it all I spoil her to bits.

It seems such a waste of a life not to have that sexual fulfillment,I sometimes feel that a FWB is the answer.Should I feel guilty about this as my partner is not interested !

Reply to XXX

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