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Question
Posted by: Christy-Lee | 2012/05/15

dilemma

objective perspective would be appreciated...

A year ago I made friends with an ex after about 8 years of not speaking to one another as he hurt me badly and I handled the whole situation badly as well. I hadnt actually seen him until about 2 weeks ago, we had only communicated via email and facebook and it wasnt regular communication either.

Eventually about 5 months ago I broke all contact with him as I am married to a wonderful man who deserves my full attention. But two weeks ago he wanted to see me as he was in town, so curiously I went but had friends with me. Everything was lighthearted and friendly and we even hugged goodbye.
But I cant stop thinking about him and wondering why he wanted to see me as he never said anything. Part of me feels it is his way of showing he is sorry for how he treated me as he battles to say it in words. I havent made contact with him again since seeing him but I want to say something... I know he is in a bad patch at the moment although I dont know what it is, so I want to casually reach out and let him know I care about him without sending the wrong message.. I am also concerned that it could set off a chain of events that I could regret (ie if I invest any emotion in it as I still have a strong emotional connection to him - I dont know if he feels the same though, probably not) Its not that I actually want to be with him - I just feel that if you care about someone you should tell them before you regret not making the effort. Even if they tell you to get lost...
I also want to find a way to break the emotional connection and I am just not sure how to do it cos my head and heart are in conflict

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Ex's generally ought to be Ex. As Ex as possible, and fiddling with the previous relationsbhip which ended for good reasons, whether directly or via Facebook etc, it like picking at a scab - it leaves an uglier scar.
YOU ARE MARRIED. You owe a lot to your husband, you owe NOTHING whatever to your ex.
If he's facing problems nowadays, they're of his own making, and he must fix them, NOT you, and he doesn't need nor deserve to know whether you care about him or wish him well. Stop obsessing about him.
You obviously ha ve NOT allowed yourself to properly get over him ( remember that he "hurt you badly" ) so see a counsellor to help you let go of this. Its over ; you cant fix it and shouldn't try to.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: Gogo | 2012/05/16

The so called ex has nothing to loose but yo will loose your ex and your husband and also TRUST. Forget about that idiot why do we call them ex , its because they are old. Concentrate to your husband and because you are guilty you will tell your husband and end up loosing your husband. Stop it

Reply to Gogo
Posted by: Phil | 2012/05/16

You are playing with fire. Already  you ver stepped the line by going to see another man, never mind your x. Also chatting to another men, never mind your x. You are married lady! Put the shoe on the other foot, and think about how it will make you feel and possibly destroy your marriage.

Reply to Phil
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/05/16

Ex's generally ought to be Ex. As Ex as possible, and fiddling with the previous relationsbhip which ended for good reasons, whether directly or via Facebook etc, it like picking at a scab - it leaves an uglier scar.
YOU ARE MARRIED. You owe a lot to your husband, you owe NOTHING whatever to your ex.
If he's facing problems nowadays, they're of his own making, and he must fix them, NOT you, and he doesn't need nor deserve to know whether you care about him or wish him well. Stop obsessing about him.
You obviously ha ve NOT allowed yourself to properly get over him ( remember that he "hurt you badly" ) so see a counsellor to help you let go of this. Its over ; you cant fix it and shouldn't try to.

Reply to cybershrink

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