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Question
Posted by: A vdMerwe | 2011/03/11

Dilemma

I''ve posted this on the Marriage and Divorce Support Form too as I''m looking for different perspectives...
My husband and I have been together for 6 years and we had our first really huge fight last week, which ended in him beating me - first time that this happened. A few days later I decided that I do not want to be in an environment where I can be humiliated like that and made a conscious decision to call it quits. Abuse is a deal-breaker for me. So I was planning my exit by the end of the month and since the beginning of the week, I started to get my affairs in order. One of these affairs included a document that my husband needed to co-sign with me. When he asked my why I was bringing up that document, I mentioned that I did not want to be involved anymore and he immediately also said we must end the marriage and that I must leave right away. I said I would not wake the babies up at 9pm just so that we can leave and I would leave when it was convenient for me. So he said we must (in his words) " f****off"  by the end of the weekend and that he will call my parents to tell them to " nullify"  the traditional marriage. So far, he hasn''t called them nor has he signed the documents but he is giving me the silent treatment and not eating any meals that I prepare. (I cook for the kids anyway so I dish up for him too - Iv''ve made a decision so it is not worthwhile for me to fight or play games like denying him food, etc.). Anyway my dilemma is the following: ....If I go back to my parents house this weekend like he said we must, there''s no-one to look after my kids. Whereas here, the creche has already been paid for, for the rest of the month. As much as I want to go, I don''t want to now also worry about my kids and who looks after them because I''ll need to come to work. I''ve called the crecheds and they are fully booked and cannot accomodate 2 more children.
The only solution right now is for me to stay until the end of the month, while I sort out Plan B,e.g. hire a nanny etc. to look after the kids when we move to my parents house. This is not something that I can organise within the space of this weekend. It kills me to have to ask him to stay longer while this is being sorted out - I feel he will just think that I''m refusing to go, but in a way I feel I should not carry an extra burden of leaving anyway and then being frustrated with what happens to the kids during the day. What would you do? Any advise please?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

A dreadful event, but apparently the first and only time in 6 years ? Not to minimize physical abuse, but were you passive through this "really huge fight", or perhaps verbally hurtful or provocative ? My point being that it usually needs 2 to make a huge fight, and both may need to take part in solving the problem.
Its a shame that marriage counsellin hasn't been an option either of you have explored - it sounds as if, for maybe different reasons, you have both just given up.
But for him to expect you to leave immediately is unreasonably harsh, and thoughtless with regards to you as well, of course, as the children.
YOu mention a traditional marriage, but not a civil / legal ordinary mariage, but either way there are legal issues that need to be sorted out, including who owns what and how the home and its contents would be shared. You need urgent legal advice. And consider whethwer an interdict would be useful. Forcing you to move out immediately is abusive too, in its way.
It seems very reasonable for you to speak calmly to him and make it clear that there are several problems regarding proper arangements for the children, which will take time to sort out, and that you expect to stay in the home at least until that can be done suitably. And maybe discus the situartion with both his parents and your own ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: A vdMerwe | 2011/03/11

Hi " ILeftMyHeartinTokyo"  - My feelings for my husband at present are clouded by the situation that I find myself in and as a result, I do not feel love for him but mostly disappointment.I have always known that I will not stand to be physically abused and I will be letting myself down if I continue where there is a threat to my life. I am willing to put love aside for that.
I do know however that I love my kids more. At this stage I can only say that my love for him is purely that he is the father of my children and I need to maintain a civil relationship with him, for their sake.

Reply to A vdMerwe
Posted by: ILeftMyHeartInTokyo | 2011/03/11

Do you still love him?

Reply to ILeftMyHeartInTokyo
Posted by: A vdMerwe | 2011/03/11

The house that we stay in belongs to a trust - his trust that he had before we got married. After marrying him, I moved - the plan was that we will get our own house, an annual discussion that never went anywhere.
I think maybe I should move to another room with the babies as packing up and leaving now will seriously inconvenience me, financially too.

Reply to A vdMerwe
Posted by: Renthia | 2011/03/11

I think you need to get an interdict against him for starters. To make sure he stays away from you and the babies. We do noit want anyone beaten up again. This should make you safe for now.
So, he needs to move out and stay away from you, then you need to plan from there.

Reply to Renthia
Posted by: Shaz | 2011/03/11

Hi doll
I am so sorry to hear about the mess your marriage is in. Have you spoken to your folks about what is happening in your life? You have the right to stay where you are until you have made alternative arrangements. Get some legal advise if you have to! Do yourself a favour and post your question on the Divorce Support Group - I am sure one of the regulars will be able to give you some sound advise.

Reply to Shaz
Posted by: van de Toit | 2011/03/11

Y r u the one whose leaving why isn''t he the one who moves out?

Reply to van de Toit
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/03/11

A dreadful event, but apparently the first and only time in 6 years ? Not to minimize physical abuse, but were you passive through this "really huge fight", or perhaps verbally hurtful or provocative ? My point being that it usually needs 2 to make a huge fight, and both may need to take part in solving the problem.
Its a shame that marriage counsellin hasn't been an option either of you have explored - it sounds as if, for maybe different reasons, you have both just given up.
But for him to expect you to leave immediately is unreasonably harsh, and thoughtless with regards to you as well, of course, as the children.
YOu mention a traditional marriage, but not a civil / legal ordinary mariage, but either way there are legal issues that need to be sorted out, including who owns what and how the home and its contents would be shared. You need urgent legal advice. And consider whethwer an interdict would be useful. Forcing you to move out immediately is abusive too, in its way.
It seems very reasonable for you to speak calmly to him and make it clear that there are several problems regarding proper arangements for the children, which will take time to sort out, and that you expect to stay in the home at least until that can be done suitably. And maybe discus the situartion with both his parents and your own ?

Reply to cybershrink

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