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Question
Posted by: mjekes | 2011-03-24

different value systems vs marriage

Here is my small predicament, I am struggling with reaching a common ground with my gf whom i have been dating for sometime. i spoke to her about marriage and she seems to be ready however this is my challenge....we have way too different backround. i was raised in a poor family but with the love, support and protection of my family. my family members are also good people who have supported me throughout my childhood to an adult. In my studies i was encouraged and supported.

She on the other hand had the most difficult childhood with a father leaving the mother, six of her siblings have had to suffer as a result. She practically took herself to school with no help from no one.

Now we are all doing well, obviously i embrace my family and from time to time help them, i support my couzins emothonally and at times financially. My philosophy is that I must ensure that they value school and provide them with a starting point. She onthe other hand feels like I am spoiling them, forsaking my own needs, she has dream of huge house, cars and all sorts however she wants nothing to do with her family. She at one point kicked her own brother out.

I love this woman lots, but i also love my family and my dreams were that we combine this and make it a huge family but she has made it clear that it is not going to happen and that me helping my family out is going to be a problem. I feel she is angry at the world and taking revenge on the wrong people. my problem is that i love my family and it makes me happy to help. I am wondering if marriage can suvive in such condition

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Have you considered going for some pre-marital, couples counselling, together ? A good way to explore, understand your similarities and differences, and see what can be worked out. The view wach of you holds, is understandable - and she may be showing a more typical response of someone who grew up poor and neglected - that they want not just comfort, but too much of everything. To want a nice house is fine, but a huge house isn't needed. A car may be very helpful, but cars not really needed.
( I"m always curious about the crooks who steal millions, and then buy 8 luxury cars - how many can they drive at once ? )
Maybe her attitudes are appropriate to the experiences she had with an unpleasant family, but don't match your supportive and good family - and maybe she can't understand because she has never experienced the sort of family life you had ?


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Our users say:
Posted by: Kate | 2011-03-25

Blood is thicker than water!
Your family should always be up there on you list.
She really sounds selfish and cold.
You guys have 3 houses between you and 2cars! So what else does she want, if you can afford to help you cousins out and still be able to live comfortably then you should do that!

Never forget where you came from and how you got to where you are. You parents cared for you and gave you the best of what they could with what they had. Never ever chose anyone over your parents, brothers or sisters. Yes cousins come afterward but if they need help and you can assit then by all mean no one should begrudge that, as long as they don''t take advantage.

Why would she treat her brother so badly if she knows he where he comes from and knows how they grew up, he is not to blame for her childhood, he is just as much a victim of neglect as she was. All she sounds is greedy, self-centered, cold with no empathy at all.

I hope you really think about what your future is going to be like if you guys get married and if you really want to be married to a women like this...
You parents should always come first no matter what.

Reply to Kate
Posted by: Lebo | 2011-03-25

Don''t marry a woman who doesn''t care even a bit about her family. She won''t care about yours. True, you are not marrying her family, nor is she marrying yours. But to be honest, as Africans, it''s important for the wife/husband to get along with our families. Remember, blood is thicker than water.

If she wants a BIG house, let her have it with her OWN money. Most women who demand such can''t even provide them for themselves.

Reply to Lebo
Posted by: AGM | 2011-03-25

Satisfy yourself before u satisfy another person, think about your marriage is it worth loosing your family who tomorrow will pick u up when u are down, she will be gone. She has to understand where u come from and you understand where she comes from. compromise but do not neglect your family if a need arise and u are able to help without making your wife and kids suffer do it.

U love the company of your family she does not, what will happen when your cousins,parents and siblings want to vist you for a weekend, she won''t be pleased/happy. She is selfish it does not mean that when u grew up with poverty then surived means that evebody can do the same

She should understand better she should make sure that nobody go through that poverty like she did. she must learn to give a helping hand, learn to be a giver, u are a giver and she is not, I see divorce before it even start.

Think about this seriously. Go for counselling and to the pastors, seek help first u are a good man. The world need people like to eradicate poverty.

Reply to AGM
Posted by: Romany | 2011-03-25

Yes you will be fine, of that I am sure.
I wish you the best and I hope councilling will allow you to find a mid-way you can agree on in order to handle this issue.
It will also be important as many other issues will still crop up in future and if their is an agreed manner on how to handle disagreements......all the better.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: mjekes | 2011-03-25

Perhaps I should have mentioned that she owns a house of her own and I own two. A car I have and also buying s second one as well. Surely we can share, perhaps I was raised in a fantasy land but where i come from that is close to enough and we sure can share. Couples counselling is good idea which i appreciate and will propose and if it is accepted, perhaps we will be fine. Things don''t have to be difficult forever, i mean i consider us blessed already.

Reply to mjekes
Posted by: Romany | 2011-03-25

I agree with " Truth" 
There is a saying " Charity begins at home" . I can see where your GF is coming from. You too should have dreams of a big house and a comfortable living with your wife and maybe kids.
You should dream of giving your family the things you craved as a child but was deprived of.
It is obvious thatyou should remain part of both families but you BOTH need to understand that once you marry it is about you BOTH and nobody else.
The couzins will be fine, like you and your gf they will survive.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: James | 2011-03-25

To " Truth" 

What a load of crock. You make it out like its everything for the woman, that she is right and the man is wrong. She also needs to take cognisance of his situation, not just him bend to her and her only wishes. A relationship is a two way street, not just a man being at the beck and call of the woman.

Reply to James
Posted by: Truth | 2011-03-24

Most men would be happy not to inherit in laws - l think you should not push this and just enjoy the advantages of not having to bother with her relatives.
Compromise with the financial support by not supporting your cousins but only your parents (and at times, but only if urgent help is needed, your siblings). Cousins should be supported by their own parents and siblings.
You cannot help all and sundry, she is right She and any children you have should ,once married, be your priority.
If you are a real man you would give her her hearts desire, large house etc. Once you have achieved this you can then think about your cousins maybe.
You are living in cloud -|- oo land if you think a married couples families join together to make one big happy family.
She sounds much more realistic about life than you.
Couples counceling is a must!

Reply to Truth
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-03-24

Have you considered going for some pre-marital, couples counselling, together ? A good way to explore, understand your similarities and differences, and see what can be worked out. The view wach of you holds, is understandable - and she may be showing a more typical response of someone who grew up poor and neglected - that they want not just comfort, but too much of everything. To want a nice house is fine, but a huge house isn't needed. A car may be very helpful, but cars not really needed.
( I"m always curious about the crooks who steal millions, and then buy 8 luxury cars - how many can they drive at once ? )
Maybe her attitudes are appropriate to the experiences she had with an unpleasant family, but don't match your supportive and good family - and maybe she can't understand because she has never experienced the sort of family life you had ?


Reply to cybershrink

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