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Question
Posted by: HELP PLEASE!!!!! | 2010/12/20

Did I make the right decision?????

Hi Doc &  All
I''ve been in a relationship with this guy for almost 2 yrs now. At first things were not that serious and we got along very well. Towards the end of last yr we started being more serious about each other and he took me home with him to meet his family (last Dec).
This year has be a very challenging year for me with me losing my job and being unemployed for a while. Things also seem to take a turn in our relationship as we became intensely close to each other but also ended up having a lot of arguments which we always seemed to resolve. However as whole our relationship has been wonderful. We both open and honest and speak our minds and have good communication with each other. He is a total gentleman and has always treated me with respect and like a queen. He always seems to want to make sure that I''m happy and okay.
This past week however things took a drastic turn. On Friday night we went out with some of his friends and had a good time out. A lot of alcohol was consumed but all was well until we got home. I tried to tease him a little and it kind of went too far. The thing is he retaliated in the most unexpected way. He grabbed me and threw me on the bed screaming and shouting asking if I was crazy. At first I thought that he was just upset cause he wanted to sleep. But then he started slapping me. That turned into punching and then throwing me around insulting me and then getting a " knopkerrie"  which he used to beat me up. As I''m typing this I still trying to reconcile this crazy person to the loving man I''ve known for 2 years. While all this was going on he kept on insulting me and referring to his ex with whom he has a baby with &  that he never gets to see. He kept on saying that he won’ t allow me to do to him what she did and that he is no stupid.
Doc from what I know regarding the ex and baby is that she cheated on him numerous times and only informed him about the baby when it was about 2 months old. I also know that there is continuous fighting between his and her family and that a lot of insults (about him) have been making the rounds.
When he eventually calmed down he started crying about his baby and the fact that he know that she (baby) is not happy with the mother (his ex).
He had to take me to the doctor as I was in so much pain I could hardly walk. We had to do x-ray to determine if I had any broken bones but luckily there was none. Back home he started inspecting my body and realized what he had done. He cried and kept apologizing saying that he has never done anything like this before. He asked to make it up to me and I refused but later agreed that the only way he could make it up and have me forgive him is if he went for counseling and I would go with him for couples counseling. I also made him understand that if he failed to do this I would walk away from this relationship. We also decide to talk to his mother about this ask her for advice.

My question is do you think I made the right decision. How can I know for certain he won''t ever do this again. He promise but can I trust him. He said he''s willing to do whatever it takes to make this right. Where can we get counseling for him and as a couple (we don’ t earn much and struggle a bit financially)

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

In such fraught situations, one can never be certain you have made the right decision, but it sounds as though you have responded thoughtfully and sensibly so far, especially in insisting that he undergo personal counselling as well as joining you in couples counselling. One place where you can get guidance towards finding good and not too expensive counsellors would be through FAMSA, which should be listed in your phone books, as they are a national organization.
But one has to take the fact of his serious assault on you seriously. This sounds unusually severe, especially as the cause is unclear, and apparently he has never been abusive towards you before. Some people have to be very cautious about drinking alcohol as it can unleash a degree of rage and violence in them they never see when sober, but presumably he has been drunk before in your presence without a response like this.
You refer to "teasing" and it'd be worth thinking back over what was said - maybe you said something intended as light fun that proved to be very much more hurtful to him than you imagined ?
Make sure that the knopkerrie is removed and destroyed, as suh a weapon is not safe to have around until you are again sure it would only be used to defend both of you. And suggest that he avoid alcohol, and you avoid "teasing" until the counseling has begun to progress.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Lou | 2010/12/22

Hi Dear

I can understand what you saying because I came from a simillar relationship and mine got out of hand totally. He ended up in jail only to be bailed out by his family. You are young and luckily have no kids together. Make the wise decision and leave, you can decide if you want to be with him after the counceling and after haveing spoken to his counselour. I know you love him dearly but its time to love yourself first. Relationships like this seldom takes a turn for the better more often it makes a turn for the worst and you will be left with physical scars that will heal but emotional scares that can take years even a lifetime to heal. Strongs!

Reply to Lou
Posted by: fishy | 2010/12/21

Yes, I agree with all above comments.
He is unfortunately " damaged goods"  HE WILL do this again. Can you handle that?

Reply to fishy
Posted by: Gracie | 2010/12/21

Abuse is abuse .. whether it is physical, emotional, mental or verbal ... run like hell girl! If he has done this once and you forgive him, he will do it again and again! Furthemore, if he cannot handle alcohol, he should not be drinking. I recently had a very short relationship with a man who became verbally abusive when he drank ... no woman needs to put up with abuse in any form. Good luck I hope you have the strength to do what is necessary ... protect yourself and your self-esteem. You don''t deserve this kind of treatment ... no woman does!

Reply to Gracie
Posted by: Wise Owl | 2010/12/20

Helooooo ! Anyone home ? Where have you been ? Abuse is a disgusting, cowardly action. Please don''t waste you time. There is no second chance, no sorry it won''t happen again, oh no ! Get going and don''t look back, just drop him like a hot potato !!

Reply to Wise Owl
Posted by: POWA | 2010/12/20

Call POWA
for counselling - don''t be in denial about this incident.

Reply to POWA
Posted by: anon | 2010/12/20

LEAVE asap if you want to stay sane and alive. Never trust an abuser, once an abuser, always an abuser! This man has showed his true colours.

Surely you value yourself too much to accept this kind of treatment!
Girl go get a life for yourself without an abuser!

Reply to anon
Posted by: When | 2010/12/20

Violence solves no problem, it is in fact the end of reason.

Reply to When
Posted by: what? | 2010/12/20

He''ll kill you one day, and only realise it later. if i were you i would run a mile, how do you know the stories he tells you about his ex are true. how do you know they are not together because of this behaviour? How can a baby not be happy with its mother...unlikely, but belive what you want to believe, you know him better i guess. abusive people dont just snap and become abusive. it''s either you are a violent person or you are not

Reply to what?
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/12/20

In such fraught situations, one can never be certain you have made the right decision, but it sounds as though you have responded thoughtfully and sensibly so far, especially in insisting that he undergo personal counselling as well as joining you in couples counselling. One place where you can get guidance towards finding good and not too expensive counsellors would be through FAMSA, which should be listed in your phone books, as they are a national organization.
But one has to take the fact of his serious assault on you seriously. This sounds unusually severe, especially as the cause is unclear, and apparently he has never been abusive towards you before. Some people have to be very cautious about drinking alcohol as it can unleash a degree of rage and violence in them they never see when sober, but presumably he has been drunk before in your presence without a response like this.
You refer to "teasing" and it'd be worth thinking back over what was said - maybe you said something intended as light fun that proved to be very much more hurtful to him than you imagined ?
Make sure that the knopkerrie is removed and destroyed, as suh a weapon is not safe to have around until you are again sure it would only be used to defend both of you. And suggest that he avoid alcohol, and you avoid "teasing" until the counseling has begun to progress.

Reply to cybershrink

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