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Question
Posted by: Girl | 2010/10/13

Did I make a mistake?

I was a relationship for over a year and we broke up in mid-August. It was a mutual decision because I was very much in love and very happy but he wasn''t able to forget about his previous ex-girlfriend and needed someone more like her, which was making him very depressed. He seemed more hopeful when we broke up, maybe hoping to find someone new, and I accepted things as they were and realized I should probably do the same. But we stayed friends and knowing he was going on dates was hurting me a little, even though I tried not to let it show because I know he deserves to be happy. Somehow I was still hoping he''d be back, but he started saying he would be happy if I found someone who would make me happy, etc. So I understood we''d never be back together and I tried to move on and find someone myself so I wouldn''t have to suffer so much anymore.
Well, I happened to find someone that I liked in many aspects and started a relationship. It''s not love yet, of course, but we get along well and it''s a healthy new beginning. The problem is that my ex didn''t react well to this. He said he had never known he would mind it as much. That he felt miserable and lonely, and that it was ironic that he had thrown me away in exchange for a " pathetic"  life of a " loser" . So I thought he had reconsidered and thought I was the one... But after a long conversation, it turned out he still needs someone " better"  than me, but he thinks he doesn''t " deserve anyone better" . So I told him he has to be patient because finding the right one takes time. But he just can''t live with the idea that I''ve moved on. He doesn''t want me, but he doesn''t like the idea that I have someone and he doesn''t. I think it''s pretty clear that he doesn''t want me, or is he trying to say he wanted me back but I spoiled everything by finding someone else? I only want the best for him, and I know how vulnerarable a person becomes after a breakup, but I don''t know what I could do to help him.
One thing i noticed after I started this relationship is that this new person has his flaws (some big ones too) but he is a source of positive energy that reduced my episodes of sadness/" depression"  from about every other day to less than once every two weeks. So I got to the conclusion that if a person has a tendency to worry and get sad easily, they should have a partner who takes it easy and knows how to laugh about not-so-happy situations. I believe this is my ex''s problem. He''s depressed (not just sad like me) but I think he seems to look for sad/dark people or manic-depressive people, who make him incredibly happy at times, but other times bring him down like no one else could also.
Still, even though I know we''re both on the more negative side, thus not very compatible, and he doesn''t even want me, I love him and I feel bad that I rushed and made him feel like I could get over him so easily (which is obviously not true and he should know it). I wish he wasn''t so stubborn and that he''d see that things don''t have to be as hard as they seem to him. He has absolutely everything a woman needs, it''s his negative attitude that is keeping him away from people.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

He will be having problems. He may be a very nice guy, but he should never have started a relationship with you while still pathologically involved at a psychological level, with his ex. And to declare that he is looking for someone very like her, is also a really bad recipe for his future happiness. It's sad that you lost what might otherwise have been a good relationship, but clearly he was not capable of such a relationshiop and may not be thus for some time to come.
How sad for whoever he lights on next, who might not recognize that she is there as a proxy for his ex, and not being liked in her own right.
Then his reaction to your new friendship shows him to be even more neurotic than he already sounded. He seems to really, really, need to see a counsellor to work out all his kinks and knots, and to become capable of any open and fair relationship.
Don't feel bad. You rushed nothing, and you are not in any way responsible for his self-created misery. HE may seem to have "everything a woman needs" ( sounds a bit like a Swiss Army knife, put that way ) - but he lacks a non-neurotic approach to relationships, and seems not to really know what he wants, except its whatever he doesn't have at the moment

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5
Our users say:
Posted by: Mrs K | 2010/10/14

He is a loser &  forget about him.

Reply to Mrs K
Posted by: just saying! | 2010/10/14

Cut ties with him and enjoy your new found relationship and use all your positive energy with the new guy that sounds great, your ex dont want you but is selfish because he does not want someone else to want you.. you are beter than this and he does not deserve you dont take his calls etc... move forward and enjoy ...

Reply to just saying!
Posted by: jose | 2010/10/13

When a guy tells you he doesn''t want you believe him. Dont get caught up in this guys emotional instability, he seems to want to keep you around for selfish reasons of not wanting to be lonely. You are not responsible for his happiness and deserve to find love, how he handles that is not your problem. Some relationships are toxic, it sounds to me like your friendship with this guy does not serve you any good, he realises his power over you and is using it to make you feel bad, preventing you from moving forward to a world full of possibilities to find happiness.

Reply to jose
Posted by: Unique | 2010/10/13

No you didn''t. He made it clear that he doesn''t want a relationship with you. Going back would mean you are his ''waiting room''. There is nothing to feel guilty about.

Reply to Unique
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/10/13

He will be having problems. He may be a very nice guy, but he should never have started a relationship with you while still pathologically involved at a psychological level, with his ex. And to declare that he is looking for someone very like her, is also a really bad recipe for his future happiness. It's sad that you lost what might otherwise have been a good relationship, but clearly he was not capable of such a relationshiop and may not be thus for some time to come.
How sad for whoever he lights on next, who might not recognize that she is there as a proxy for his ex, and not being liked in her own right.
Then his reaction to your new friendship shows him to be even more neurotic than he already sounded. He seems to really, really, need to see a counsellor to work out all his kinks and knots, and to become capable of any open and fair relationship.
Don't feel bad. You rushed nothing, and you are not in any way responsible for his self-created misery. HE may seem to have "everything a woman needs" ( sounds a bit like a Swiss Army knife, put that way ) - but he lacks a non-neurotic approach to relationships, and seems not to really know what he wants, except its whatever he doesn't have at the moment

Reply to cybershrink

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