advertisement
Question
Posted by: ML | 2013/02/22

Diary of a Mad Black Woman

I desperately need advice.

I am a 28 year old married woman (customary). Co-own two properties with my husband. Now I want to leave because my life is hell, for lack of a better word.

Short summary of my life

I had an abortion when I was 22, struggled since then to have children (had multiple miscarriages) have had enough with fertility doctors, test…  , DONE! Now my husband is openly cheating on me, abusing me physically, emotionally and mentally because I cannot have children, calls me barren and useless. He tells me he is doing me a favour by telling me he is sleeping with another woman. But he still wants to sleep with me, and sees nothing wrong with this.

I didn’  t want to be selfish because I blame myself for all of this, so I told him he can go and have a child with someone else (playing Sarah from the Bible) now everything has backfired. He talks to her in my presence and tells her he loves her, he doesn’  t sleep at home only eats, takes things from the house to give to her like TV, Bed because she doesn’  t work.

Every time I try to leave he tells me, no one will want to be with me because I am useless, its better I stay with him and tolerate his bull***t, because i put us in this mess

As a result of what has happened in my life, I have become suicidal, been admitted to hospital many times. I have run out of ways to kill myself

Long and short of it all is that now I am at peace with everything, I have accepted Gods will and have decided I want to remain alone for the rest of my life no partner no children!. He doesn’  t want to leave, I have decided to pack my things and leave without him knowing because he is using me to take care of the house he can’  t afford everything by himself and since mistress is not working, things will be tough if I leave because there will be no second income. he doesnt see my value, so i want to show him how useless i am.

My life has stopped for him. I can’  t live like this anymore. Am I being selfish for wanting to leave him because he wants kids?

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
21
Our users say:
Posted by: Popi | 2013/02/22

Dear ML

I was once in your shoes,he cheated and had a child with someone else and when things were''nt rosy anymore ,he decided to come back.I am still dealing with that and the Lord our father,saw and heard my cries -He has blessed me,am pregnant and all seems to be going well so far.Never loose hope,God loves us all equally.If u dont mind,u can give me ur contact details evn bbm pin or email address I will give u advise on some of the medical interventions you can explore.There is hope,never give up!! hugs

Reply to Popi
Posted by: Popi | 2013/02/22

Dear ML

I was once in your shoes,he cheated and had a child with someone else and when things were''nt rosy anymore ,he decided to come back.I am still dealing with that and the Lord our father,saw and heard my cries -He has blessed me,am pregnant and all seems to be going well so far.Never loose hope,God loves us all equally.If u dont mind,u can give me ur contact details evn bbm pin or email address I will give u advise on some of the medical interventions you can explore.There is hope,never give up!! hugs

Reply to Popi
Posted by: Popi | 2013/02/22

Dear ML

I was once in your shoes,he cheated and had a child with someone else and when things were''nt rosy anymore ,he decided to come back.I am still dealing with that and the Lord our father,saw and heard my cries -He has blessed me,am pregnant and all seems to be going well so far.Never loose hope,God loves us all equally.If u dont mind,u can give me ur contact details evn bbm pin or email address I will give u advise on some of the medical interventions you can explore.There is hope,never give up!! hugs

Reply to Popi
Posted by: Lerato | 2013/02/22

Nothing devastates a home like adultery. u are a victim of that sin you know the deep personal hurt it causes you. And the consequences are so severe that God has said that you may choose to end your marriage if you are the victim. He does give you that right.

How long are u going to live like that, the last thing he will do, he will bring that woman in your house, sleep with her in your own bedroom, so leave while u can,

Reply to Lerato
Posted by: Aqua | 2013/02/22

Harsh reality....damn no one deserves that.

When you have been tried and tested like that and nothing makes sense all you need is Faith. You need that my dear and believe me only Faith will see you through

Time for serious changes in your life, listen to the voive inside of you and act asb.

Yhooo #you might not have noticed it mara let me tell you girl...you are very strong tjerr#

Reply to Aqua
Posted by: Zion | 2013/02/22

Wow guys you said a mouth full. ML you are a very special woman and God loves you so much. This man doesnt deserve you at all please live him youre prince charming is waiting for you out there. He will realise that he lost a special woman as soon as you walk out of his life. Be strong and God be with you.

Reply to Zion
Posted by: Bella | 2013/02/22

Yes ML you''re a VICTOR babes not a Victim...Forward ever backwards Never..Thumbs up Hi5..winks

Reply to Bella
Posted by: ML | 2013/02/22

@Theo, there is no fertility doctor I have not consulted in joburg, the irony of it all is that I can fall pregnant easily but just when I get excited, that baby is taken away from me. I guess God is making me feel the same pain He felt when He blessed me with a child and I decided to abort. I take full responsibility for this. Counselling doesn’ t help because it becomes a blame game, and he doesn’ t see anything abnormal with his behaviour.



I didn’ t have the courage to post this because I thought I would be judged, but all of you have shown me that I can rise above this and stop feeling sorry for myself.
I’ m done playing the victim!!!!!!!!!!!!!Thank u for giving me hope

Reply to ML
Posted by: Telly | 2013/02/22

ML get out before its too late, there is still so much you can do with your life than grieving on a man who does not even care.

Remember it will take time to heal but it is worth it. Nobody was born to suffer you are chosing to suffer GET OUT NOW! This man does not deserve your tears, he is just a useless man and I bet once you leave him he will suffer financially and he will regret treating you like an old rag and he won''t even be able to support his hild and that woman.

Be strong.

Reply to Telly
Posted by: SK | 2013/02/22

((Hugs)) My dear you have to realise that it is not a mistake that you are still here. Try to look on how to get out of the financial transactions that you have entered with this guy and cancel them or buy him out. Do not compromise or give him things he is not entitled to. He can go and start a new life with his mistress but for you my dear you have to be selfish.

Sometimes when we feel guilty about something that is not in our control we tend to compromise on things we should not. Have you thought that maybe it was not meant for you to have kids with this looser? Your kids will come, you have to believe with everything you have that you are beautiful and loved. Stop listening to this loser whose only value is made up of trambling on other people''s feelings. Does it really make sense for him to take things that are in your house and give it to his mistress. You are being too harsh on yourself by settling for utter nonsense. You still feel really guilty about the abortion. Heal yourself from that. When we know better we do better. At the time you thought it was the best decision, it has happened and nothing can be changed. Many people have gone off to have kids after so you must not feel guilty about difficulty in conceiving now.

You have to take the time to heal and take care of yourself. There is so much more to life than the stupid lies you are hearing from this guy. Once you know that you will be content with your life and will not need someone to justify your existence. Get your friends and family to give you emotional support you need. You are still very, very young.

Do other things that will bring you joy and peace. Whatever you do get the strength to fight for your assets and divorce this dude. Whatever he says now on must go in the one ear and out the other. Do not listen to anything he says even if he wants to reconcile please move on and work on you.

Wishing you all the luck! You do deserve to be happy and should focus on you. You will be happy, your dreams will come true, just give it time.

Reply to SK
Posted by: Pretty Pear | 2013/02/22

phew!! you guys said it mouthful...Theo you seem to be my best man for days hey...

ML...like others have said...How do you know God''s mission is for you to see the monster in this guy before you guys can bring innocent kids to your unstable life...

Now you can free yourself without having to worry about kids growing without the father bla bla bla and all that excuse married people use to stay in an abusive relationship.

28 you very young, you can start afresh, not only take your clothes take what also belongs to you alles...ushiye inja!...someone is out there waiting for u

Then, you can deal with what is affecting you psychologically which is this abortion issue...i think you still haunted which might affect your ability to conceive...cos it''s in your mind...

Reply to Pretty Pear
Posted by: ML | 2013/02/22

@ Ntate,

I thought about that but, i do not want to go into a nasty battle, he can keep the houses. I dont have the will to fight. Thats how bad things are. God will fight for me.

I have given up on love, there is no such thing.

Reply to ML
Posted by: Anon | 2013/02/22

From what you''ve shared, you''ve accepted that there is no marriage left to save here, right? If you were to stick it out, what exactly would you be saving? Fact of the matter is you cannot change the fact that you can''t bear children. If you decide to stay you''d be enslaving yourself to a life of belittling, demeaning and misery. Is that the little value you place on yourself and happiness?

At 28, you''re still very young. Love yourself enough. Not everyone was meant to be married and have children as society dictates, you surely won''t be the first. Work with what you''ve got and put yourself first. Yu''re all you''ve got, if you don''t take care of you no one will. Now chin up, get started with the next phase of your life. One day you''ll look back and wonder, " Why didn''t I do this sooner.'' You owe it to yourself, now get going and never look back.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Theo | 2013/02/22

For what you are going thru ML and what you are planning to do, that should be good enough to give you courage to act to be welfare of your being.

When you had an abortion, I suppose you were not married. If that is true, then you had valid reasons to abort the life. Sadly we do not know for certain what those actions will result in the future. For me, I will not speculate that due to the decision, your inability to child bearing stems from that decision. It will be unfounded without medical proof. I will deal with your relationship with him, in reference to some of the information given above. Has it been proven medically that you are the problem partner here?

Firstly, couples are supposed to bear each other pains and happiness. That is how things are ideally be. In reality, things are not what we will love them to be. Clearly your husband does not respect you by his behaviour. If he is hurt that he cannot have children, did you have sessions with the shrink to help deal with this? Did the doctors recommended professional help in coping with this?

Sister, do not blame yourself for his behaviour. How did you find out that he is cheating and gave him the blessings of having a child outside? Was it after he abused you in all forms? I have lots of questions as I try to understand this.

Secondly, the words of our loved once sometimes carry more weight than those of others. Him calling you useless and barren will always resonate in your mind no matter what others say or do. ML, now that you are peace with everything, I hope that the peace is of positive acceptance that you are not all these negative things that he says you are. You should not compromise your happiness to feed someone’ s lifestyle. If he is a caring men to the other woman, then you should not be part of it. May I assure you that there is life out there! If you are found to be single in future, it is not because of that on one will want to be with you and you are useless, it is because you choose to be single.

Sister, do what is best for knowing that you have given your marriage the best attention. He wants kids, no doubt and you cannot give him kids(for now, as we are not certain about the future). You have been hurt and suicidal before, what more is to come when you decide to stay.

My 2 cent contribution

Reply to Theo
Posted by: Bella | 2013/02/22

Sana all i can say is DOnt give up on God he wont give up on you sisi, Hold on Help is on the way our God is not deaf he is Faithful dear, get out and wait upon the Lord at his own time he will show up...you may weep for now but Joy comes in the Morning,

You can do all things through Christ who gives you Strength he did not say SOME things he says ALL things and i am telling you He wont fail you, Dont lose heart for i know God is not a man that tell lies he is a True to his word...

The nice part about Hagar God had a plan for her and Ishmael,in this case you are Ishmael God will make you great and you will find LOVE As of today approach life as a VICTOR not a victim dear!!! Hold on dont give in

Reply to Bella
Posted by: ML | 2013/02/22

@ Temba @Me Me, thank u for not judging me.

I have never been with another man  he was my first and is my LAST, i am done with men, i have lost all my confidence. He''s painted such a terrible picture of other men, saying i will find someone who will treat me worse than he has. and since he was my first, Im scared of other men. i''d rather remain alone for the rest of my life.




Reply to ML
Posted by: Ntate | 2013/02/22

Maybe you could take outright ownership of one house and he takes the other. Sell your house and start on a clean sheet.

Dont give up on love, its good when somebody loves you right and you will find yours too.

Reply to Ntate
Posted by: Temba | 2013/02/22

Eish but that''s emotional abuse that he''s subjecting you to. If that man really loved you, he''d be more understanding and supportive my dear. If you love someone you don''t treat them tha bad. He''s a very selfish man who doesn''t deserve someone like you. There are a lot of good men out there who don''t have a problem being in a relationship with someone who can''t have kids.

Regardless of whether you love him or not, you do have control over whether you allow yourself to be abused by him.You deserve to be treated with respect, loved, appreciated and you are the only one who can enforce that right, stand up for yoruself and say no to Abuse.

Reply to Temba
Posted by: Me Me | 2013/02/22

I''m really heart broken your story remainds me of someone i know personally

My advise is leave him you dont derve to be treated like this
We can not judge you.
God has forgiven you and you need to make peace and move on
Life s too short to be treated like this

all the best

Reply to Me Me
Posted by: ML | 2013/02/22

yes Bella imagine all of this @ 28, I feel like I am 50 yrs old considering what I have gone thru, some of it i cant even mention here. Psychologists cry when i tell them my story, its a miracle that im till here

I was born to suffer, finish and klaar! im jst looking forward to dying, nothing to live for. I pray everyday for God to take my life soon, cause no human being deserves to live like this, even my worse enemy!

Reply to ML
Posted by: Bella | 2013/02/22

Oh my God...Lord Have Mercy..at 28 my love...

Yhooo Nkosi yam angisazi yhooo...*heartbroken*

Reply to Bella

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement