Posted by: I am become death | 2011-01-18

destroyed - don''t know where to from here

I really want to stress this from the beginning, this is not a cry for help, or attention, I just need some insight, from someone who''s qualified.
To qualify:
-You must be in, or have had a successful relationship, or relationships, defined by love, unity, passion, flexibility, compassion, giving your all, honesty, trust and trustworthiness, vulnerability, acceptance, forgiveness, humility, empathy, connectedness, understanding, being in love, and unconditional love.
-OR you must be someone who has experienced and know true love, whatever your definition may be, mine being a feeling of love and connectedness on 3 or more spheres of existence, the 3 being, mind body and spirit.

I met a guy not too long ago, we both fell in love deeply, and madly. I loved him so strongly and with such purity, because I saw the light in him so easily.
Things went on and they were great.
We were instantly comfortable and at ease with each other, yet the excitement was also there.
In addition to the excitement one normally feels, when smitten with a new guy, we tried, and I don''t know if we did this for each other, or for ourselves, probably both, but we inflated things to an even higher level with the extravagant things we did for each other, for fun, I did it, because it felt right at the time.
Because I knew he enjoyed it, and because I enjoyed doing it for him.

Everything seemed perfect, apart from the connection I felt, we got along with each others friends, we enjoyed the same things, we had similar views on relationships, the fact that sex should be making love between two people with real feelings for each other, we''re both religious (in different but compatible ways).
We''re both free spirited, we understand the power of energy. He''s warm and has an infectious laugh, holding him in my arms, was the closest thing to heaven I''ve ever experienced. I''ve never been so open and honest with anyone in my entire life, I made myself completely vulnerable.
We gave our hearts to each other. I know that love can''t be promised, I understand that emotions can''t be promised or guaranteed, only actions and deeds can be promised. But when a multiple connection of mind, physical attraction and spiritual bond exists and shows itself, you can''t allow yourself to hold back, you have to give it your all, at any and all costs.

His coward''s problems started to surface halfway through the relationship.
Religion, the fact that he was uncomfortable with being gay, and gay sex, feeling of guilt and that he''d go to hell.
Severe bouts of sudden depression, and unreconciled incidents that I think count as child abuse.
He also has commitment phobia.

I wanted to work through all of the above with him.
I was even willing to be miserable with him for a while, as long as he''d work on himself and not hope that things would repair themselves, because I thought we''d get to something that was way beyond worthwhile.
Something went missing however.
Now he says that during this phase where we ''tried'' he fell out of love with me.
And the truth is, I felt something went missing, or got switched off, but the only thing that makes sense, was that the coward deliberately closed his heart to me.
And that''s what I felt, he wasn''t allowing himself to be present, he was telling himself that he was present and that he was trying, and that he was giving it a chance, but he kept the option of giving up alive in his mind, thus feeding it with energy, and making it more and more alive giving it power. He didn''t allow his heart to give me the energy with which he''d given me love initially. In the course of one day, I remember seeing the dulling of his eyes. I believe it was his doing, but I could be wrong, maybe he saw something in me, that he couldn''t love, and that was the beginning of the end.

Needless to say, the coward gave up.
I know he loves me, I know I make him happy, no question.
And I would die for him, truly.
But in a cowardly way, the coward chose to give up.

I don''t know whether he speaks the truth anymore, he said so many things, I don''t know what to believe.
Only that he has a pure and true love for me.

Maybe he just wants freedom, or no responsibilities.
Maybe he''s afraid of either of us getting hurt, I know he didn''t feel free enough to do the things he would have done had he still been single, but they were there for him to seize, they were all negotiability''s.

I don''t know whether to go back and try to fight for the coward, for my own sake or his.
Or to let it go, be friends, and continue getting hurt and being hung up on him.
Or to leave this life I''ve ''created'' I''ve realised more and more that my life, isn''t what I want anymore, nothing is even close to ideal, my relationship with my family members, friends, my job, my career, my routine in this city, and this city that I love so much, which has become a temple of hurt for me. There are no places to run to anymore, wherever I go, there are memories that take me right back to those moments. I feel I have to leave and destroy this life, and burn every bridge so that coming back is not an option. It feels like no-one truly knows me anymore.
Or do I end my life and kill myself, which I could easily do, I have a few things I want to experience before taking that plunge, but since I have nothing and no-one to live for, and nothing to lose, it''s a logical option, not an emotional one.
Or do I give my life to the dark side.
Or simply give into the numbness I feel now, let it take over my life, and refuse to feel anything ever again.

I never told him, that suicide has always been a real option for me, it''s something everyday for me, has been for a long time, although I''ve never told anyone in my life about this habitual escapism. It''s where I go when I don''t want to care, it''s the one option that gives me a sense of relief.
We told each other that we couldn''t possible commit suicide, because we love our lives too much, that was the one things I had to lie about because I didn''t want him to worry about me.

I don''t believe in gay relationships anymore.
It seems to lead to nothing but hurt, rejection, feelings of inadequacy, pain, suffering, and the people you meet are consistently unreliable, not trustworthy, unethical, ravenous, sex-obsessed, self obsessed and nothing good seems to last long, even it it doesn''t end, it always changes, because men can''t stay content with the same thing for long, because the next thing is so easily obtainable. Every guy puts himself in a league, and will only be interested in getting someone in the same league as him, or higher. And just like a body builder can never get satisfied with his bulk, and will always want to get bigger. A man especially a gay man, will always want to get someone " better" .

I''ve always been judgemental what I call ''embittered old queens'' for giving up, for becoming cynical, for not being able to enjoy anything that comes from the light or being able to open up to it. For only ever being snide and venomous because of the blows life had dealt them. But given the widespread state of affairs in this segment of society, how can you realistically expect a gay man to turn out differently? When the currency is twink. A shrivelled up, burnt out rejected shell with no sparkle in his eyes is not seen to have any value, obviously because that''s what he sees, but also because that''s how the world he''s in, sees him. Where do you find the strength to carry on, and be a positive bright little star, a ray of goodness, when everything that is good, only seems to attract it''s own destruction?

No one can give me any answers, it would have been nice to know whether to speak to him again or not, but then, I wouldn''t know what to say to the coward.

What I''d love to know are plain statistics.
How many people (gay and straight) give up on love, or carry on believing in it?
How many gay suicides are there each year?
What do people do to start appreciating their lives again, or at least to just carry on?

I know that it would have been wrong to expect any partner, or even friend, to give me the will to live, or enough joy to live, I wouldn''t put that burden on someone, maybe this is for the best, if I don''t have complete love or appreciation for my life without him, I''m not fully alive as a person. I don''t deserve to be with anyone, and no one could relate to me, because a vital part is missing, and I''m not a complete human.

I wanted to give him all my love, and resolve our problems as individuals together going forward, some together, some individually.
There weren''t any relationship problems yet, because it hadn''t been given enough of a chance. Just shy of 3 Months! That''s how much of a coward''s time, I''m worth. We weren''t even together long enough to have an argument or fight.
Even though all my life''s problems and there are many (some he knows of, some no-one knows of) seem insurmountable, I would have given my all to build a life with him.
It was the second time that I could see myself marrying someone.

The first time, was 5 years ago. Similar scenario. Met someone, instant bond, love, guy has problems, guy gives up, I stay hung up on guy for 5 years, during which time I had 3 real long term relationships, with 3 real average normal guys, with whom there was no instant connection, these were normal standard relationships, like the one ever gay guy knows. They ended, because they had run their courses, there was love, but nothing left to explore, no passion, no more growth, only stagnation. So whats it to be?
Have I missed something? Do you find a decent guy, and move forward if it gels on a physical and mental level, but there''s no deeper connection, and just settle?
Or do you give it your all, when all 3 are there only to be completely irretrievably destroyed? When you''re with someone like that, someone you''re connected to you feel more alive and content in the worst darkest moments, than you do with normal guys in the best. These two options, are all I know. It would be great to hear that there''s more out there.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi I Am and thanks for posting here. I am totally with Gareth and Deeve on this one - thanks guys :)

Please don't be offended, but it sounds as if you could benefit from going into therapy. If you have access to this (medical aid or free student counselling at a university) please consider this option.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Anon | 2011-01-25

You sound like a drama queen

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Gareth | 2011-01-19

You seriously are not the first person who feel like this, nor will you be the last. Most of us felt like that at one stage of our lives. But it does pass believe me. And we have just given you many examples of long term relationships. You just cannot see it from where you are at the moment. If you are at all as sincere as you told us in your first post, and you really want the happiness as much as you said, you will not give up until you get it. Its perfectly okay to feel like you are done at the moment, but if you take the advice given here to heart, that might just change.

Reply to Gareth
Posted by: Tammy | 2011-01-19

Make no mistake, straight relationships require just as much work. With divorce rates what they are in western countries, you may as well say ''I don''t know one straight couple who have a successful long term relationship''.

There is one other thing I would like to comment on. People have different things that determine their behaviour. The religious and psychological guilt you mention in your original post can be very very powerful psychological barriers for people to overcome. In many cases, they cannot overcome them.

This does not make them cowards. It does mean that, where they are RIGHT NOW, they cannot break free of things they have learned or values they respect. This is how people are.

Regards and best wishes

Reply to Tammy
Posted by: I am become death | 2011-01-18

Thanks to both of you.

Your responses were wise and insightful.

Your reasoning sound.

If only you could have seen and heard the way he gave his heart to me, the manner in which he did it, so sincerely.

Thanks for your advice, I do really think that this game is not for me.
I don't know one gay couple, who have a successful long term relationship.

I'm done.

Reply to I am become death
Posted by: Deeve | 2011-01-18

Wow, what a powerful story, and a fantastic response from Gareth! I also agree that you appear to have way too many expectations for relationships of such a short time.

You also mention that you had three " long"  term relationships in five years. Does a long term relationship in Gay terms only last 18 months...???

I beg to differ. I am with my partner 10 years now, married for a few months, and all our friends in relationships are 6 years and longer - some close to 20 years.

Relationships do last and are sustainable. We both have so many differences yet so many other compatabilities that I believe this is what gives our relationship the energy that it has. I never question how he thinks or works. He has his own life, his own interests, and is allowed space to be himself.

I was totally -|- ed up when I left my marriage of 17 years, and he patiently waited in the sideline while giving me space to become myself.

Yes, I never walked away, but I must have put him through hell at times. It took me years to get to grips with not only being Gay but dealing with all that goes with it - Gay sex too!

I can totally relate to your ''embittered old Queens'' comment but refuse to accept the comment " how can you realistically expect a gay man to turn out differently? This is complete and total crap. You do describe many Gay boys down to a T. What I can tell you is that there are just as many out there who are not full of shit and totally ready to commit.

Bottom line is for two Guys to meet who gell and are then prepared to work like hell to form a bond so strong it can weather ant storm thrown at it along the way. This is real hard work at times, and yes I do tend to agree that there are many that when the going gets tough they run like the wind.

Don't ever give up my friend. Keep your chin up and take a few words of advice from Gareth. There is a lot of wisdom in his response. Cheers

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: Gareth | 2011-01-18

Hi there.<br>I am not sure how to comment on this long letter, but allow me, as an outsider to share a few things I see. I can see that you are a very emotional and very deeply intense person.

But what I also do see from your letter is that you might be too much so. I am not quite sure if I read it right, but were you in a relationship for only 3 months with this guy? And you felt all of these things, and expected all of that?

Wow. I think you set yourself up for failure if you become that intense, especially that soon in a relationship, no matter how in love you are.

From your LONG list of what qualifies someone to comment, I'd say you expect WAY too much.

All these values are important in a relationship, yes, but these are things that gets built up over years, possibly even decades, whether you are in a gay or straight relationship.

I also pickup that you tend to over-analyse every little thing that your partner does or doesn't do, then make up your mind on how it and he should be, and are then disappointed if it is not as you though - which it will most likely not be. You need to ALWAYS remember that each and every person are different. We all experience things differently, react to them differently and have different needs.

If you cannot allow for these in a relationship, it will never work out, again, in ANY relationship. You call him a coward, and have these long and deep things on how you gave everything and loved him unconditionally and how you would die for him and and and.

Are you even sure that is what he wanted and needed? He does not think like you, do like you, feel like you, react like you. And to expect him to is not realistic. You yourself mentioned that he still has some issues about his sexuality.

So quite obviously he might not be ready to commit with his whole heart like you did or wanted him to, and by smothering him with love and gifts might not help at all. It is something that he alone has to work through on his own terms.

I know this because my very first relationship when I came out was like this. I had a million things to work through still. My boyfriend tried to be everything, and for a while I thought it was what I needed. But in time I realised that no matter how much I cared for him or what he did for me, he was not what I needed at that moment of my life, and however hard it was for me, I realised that there are things that I just cannot work through with him there.

He also tried to do and be everything, but after 3 years, I had to make the break. It was hard, and I am sure he pretty much felt like you do now, but it allowed him and me to grow. We never got back together, but we are good friends today.

And after I sorted myself out I was finally ready to be myself and commit to someone, and I met my husband of almost 3 years (we are going for year 7, married for almost 3), and for the first time I could do things right.

And however much we love each other, we allow each other the space to be and think and do things differently, no matter how much we disagree with the way its done.

And we have remained completely commited and monogomous to each other in our own ways. Because his way of committing is not MY way of committing, no matter how much I want it to be.

Maybe your ex " gave up"  in your eyes, but maybe it was what he needed. And maybe you need to take a long and hard look at yourself and the way that you do things, and expect things to be.

There is no real " statistics"  because every person and every relationship is different. You need to find the balance in yourself first, before you can give it to someone else.

That is life and that is love. And if you expect it to be as perfect as you decribe here, you will always be disappointed.

Life is not that clean cut and simple, and relationships of 10 years require as much work and change and effort as a 2 year one, or a 6 months one, because we constantly change as humans. There is no such thing that if he was just as commited as you or as intense as you or did it this or that way, it would have been fine, and you would have " arrived"  as a couple and " live happily ever after" . That is Hollywood bullshit, and as far from the truth as you could get.

And the real cowardly thing would be for you to give up on life and love. Especially when you are a person with so much passion and love and potential to truly make someone happy. It really is not wrong to expect these things from a relationship, but you have to be realistic and VERY VERY patient, if you really want these things in your life. Patient with your partner and with yourself.

I really really suggest that you make an appointment with a good psychologist. Not that he/she will magically fix anything, but firstly to help you work through this difficult time, but also to give you the tools to use all these wonderful gifts you have to give a partner at the right time, and the wisdom to handle what life throws at you like an expert.

As for this guy, let him go, pick your chin up, and take the good from this, learn lessons from it for your own life, and allow him to learn the lessons HE has to learn on his own terms and in his own time.

And never give up on relationships and true love. Remember nobody is an expert and perfect at something from the word go. We all HAVE to make mistakes, meet the wrong people, get hurt, over and over again, until we have learnt the lessons we need to learn. And you CANNOT grow as a person at all, or as a couple, if you never make mistakes or get hurt. It is like pruning a tree. You keep cutting off bad parts to make it grow even bigger and better and healthier.

Good luck buddy

Reply to Gareth
Posted by: gay, lesbian and bisexual expert | 2011-01-18

Hi I Am and thanks for posting here. I am totally with Gareth and Deeve on this one - thanks guys :)

Please don't be offended, but it sounds as if you could benefit from going into therapy. If you have access to this (medical aid or free student counselling at a university) please consider this option.

Reply to gay, lesbian and bisexual expert

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