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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2012-05-28

Desperate

I had brief affair while going through marital problems with my wife. The other woman was in an abusive relationship and we basically got together based on our problems. I believed we had an understanding that our relationship was sexual and there was no strings attached. I always used condoms, except for one time I did not have the condom, and she convinced me that she was on a pill &  I didn’ t have to worry about anything.
I broke up with her and I worked things out with my wife. A few months ago she called me to inform me that she was pregnant. I realised that she had deliberately planned falling pregnant. I have told her that if the child is mine I would take full responsibility for the child, however, it seems she expects more from me, because she accuses me of not caring and committing to her, and she wants us to discuss our future together. I have told her that there is no future between us and when we got together she agreed to our terms. She calls me all the time, and verbally abuses me because I won’ t tell her what she wants to hear. She is threatening to tell my wife and I don’ t know how to deal with this because I have stupidly caused the problem. I don’ t want to lose my wife and family and I don’ t know how to begin to tell my wife before she does.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Getting together while still formally within other relaionships, and based on recognizing similar miseries, is not the basis for a fruitful relationship.
If she did deliberately lie to you and deliberaely fell pregnant, that was irresponsible and manipulative. Her continuing harrassment of you ( and the pregnancy, if it is your child, is fully as much her responsibility as yours, maybe even more so.
Usually it is agreed that it is more functional to tell your wife before she does ( if she inevitably will tell, which will be even worse for you and yourt wife than if you disclose, you may not have the option of your wife not knowing - and surely she has a right to know ? ) By taking the responsibility to tell her yourself, you remove this unpleasant woman's power to manipulate and blackmail you. And get paternity testing done, as you have no way of knowing whether you are the only possible father. And of course, tests to confirm that she is indeed pregnant.
As Wife says, you were both cheating on your spouses, and maybe as she has failed to patch up her own relationship ( and hardly has any option to conceal the pregnancy from her own spouse ) she may want to try to force you into a continuing relationship with her.

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6
Our users say:
Posted by: 40''ish | 2012-05-29

YOU did not use a condom. Hallooooooo. YOU made the mistake. How difficult is this to understand. Stop shifting the blame.

Reply to 40''ish
Posted by: Re: Desperate | 2012-05-29

Thank you for the advice, I am planning to tell my wife about the affair and possible baby on the way. I would just like to clarify something. What I did was wrong and nothing can justify my cheating and disrespect towards my wife and I am willing take full responsibility for my actions. However, I am justified to be angry and bitter over being deceived and robbed from making a choice of whether I wanted to be a father or not. The woman I had an affair with new from the beginning that I had no intension to leave my wife for her and she was okay with it. I was honest and upfront with her from the start. I never lied nor did I lead her on. (In fact she is the one who lied to me) The biggest lesson I learned is that cheating can never resolve anything and there is a price to pay for not using your head.

Reply to Re: Desperate
Posted by: Tanya | 2012-05-28

This is a very unpleasant situation you are facing. Suggest you tell your wife soon. Stop answering her calls if all she is doing is verbally abusing you. Maybe a good idea to establish if you are responsible for this pregnancy, if you are the father your willingness to support the child is a good thing. Would really like to know how things turn out for you and your wife. Good luck!

Reply to Tanya
Posted by: Wife | 2012-05-28

" She deliberately trapped you?"  Wow! So I guess she forced herself on you so she could be pregnant. Fact is you both cheated on your spouses, you patched things up with yours and maybe she hasn''t done the same with hers, hence she wants commitment from you.

Are you sure she is really pregnant or just wanting attention from you? First confirm this before causing more unnecessary problems for yourself with your wife for being a cheat.

And Oh, stop putting your wife at risk by having unprotected sex out there.

Reply to Wife
Posted by: 40''ish | 2012-05-28

How on earth did she plan to fall pregnant if you ONCE did not have a condom?
And then you have condom free sex with her and after that sleep with your wife?
You do not know about HIV?
Why do men always think we want to " catch"  them? You were not responsible enough now its all her fault?
You did this, you need to own up and you should have told your wife when you where patching things up.

Reply to 40''ish
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-05-28

Getting together while still formally within other relaionships, and based on recognizing similar miseries, is not the basis for a fruitful relationship.
If she did deliberately lie to you and deliberaely fell pregnant, that was irresponsible and manipulative. Her continuing harrassment of you ( and the pregnancy, if it is your child, is fully as much her responsibility as yours, maybe even more so.
Usually it is agreed that it is more functional to tell your wife before she does ( if she inevitably will tell, which will be even worse for you and yourt wife than if you disclose, you may not have the option of your wife not knowing - and surely she has a right to know ? ) By taking the responsibility to tell her yourself, you remove this unpleasant woman's power to manipulate and blackmail you. And get paternity testing done, as you have no way of knowing whether you are the only possible father. And of course, tests to confirm that she is indeed pregnant.
As Wife says, you were both cheating on your spouses, and maybe as she has failed to patch up her own relationship ( and hardly has any option to conceal the pregnancy from her own spouse ) she may want to try to force you into a continuing relationship with her.

Reply to cybershrink

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