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Question
Posted by: Chantal 2 | 2011/01/10

Depressed, dont understand

I feel very depressed and scared because I feel like I dont have any control over my life. My fiance and I will be planning our wedding soon and probably get married next year. We have our own place already a house he bought from his parents as they moved out, they still come around a lot and sometimes for sleep overs, she cooks and cleans and doesnt really take notice of us when we have our rules for things, like my fiance has a son and he is given rules, but its broken because my fiance''s mother feels like she knows best, she even tells the child not to tell his father!!....his mother now has cancer and has just been through a hectic operation...His parents has been around a lot, but I still feel like its not right or healthy for our relationship...we dont spend any time together....His mother is acting a bit funny towards me now because I mentioned to her that myself and my fiance needs to spend time together..I said that because they wanted to come over again.... How must I handle this porperly, its causing me stress and i really feel like im getting crazy. If they dont come around, they phone for things. She still treats her grandson like he is 2 years old and really its not helping him develop, he doesnt listen to his father at all now. My fiance was in a terrible relationship before me and his parents use to be very funny towards me because they thought I would do the same things to him, so I was punished for someone elses doings. Please HELP me!!! We have spoken to them but it doesnt help.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

This sort of family dynamic quite easily arises - and is maybe especially likely as this is the house which used to belon to the parents, so that they feel natural and almost automatic in behaving there as though it were still their own place. Maybe following her scary diagnosis of cancer and unpleasant surgery, the mother feels an even more urgent need to feel in control of more aspects of life as she may feel out of control of essential aspects of her own.
Discus this with your fiancee, and then have a tactful discussion betwen the pair of you and his parents, emphasizing that it is essential for the well-eing of your child indeed of all children, that the rules the parents set up and administer are the ones that prevail in their lives - changing according to which adult has which opinion is no good for kids.
Emphasize, as a couple, that you enjoy time spent with the parents, but essentially must also have time for yourselves, to build your own relationship. Maybe raise a simple question about how things were for them during their engagement, and how their parents and inlaws took part in their lives then.
Emphasize, too, that though he was in an awful relationship before this one, you are a very different person, and just as devoted to ensuring that this doesn't happen again, as they are.
And as mom may be feeling especially mortal and useless now, try to find things she CAN more usefully do for you, to distract her from feeling aggrieved at being asked not to do some of the things that may be bothersome to you, even if satisfying to her.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/01/10

This sort of family dynamic quite easily arises - and is maybe especially likely as this is the house which used to belon to the parents, so that they feel natural and almost automatic in behaving there as though it were still their own place. Maybe following her scary diagnosis of cancer and unpleasant surgery, the mother feels an even more urgent need to feel in control of more aspects of life as she may feel out of control of essential aspects of her own.
Discus this with your fiancee, and then have a tactful discussion betwen the pair of you and his parents, emphasizing that it is essential for the well-eing of your child indeed of all children, that the rules the parents set up and administer are the ones that prevail in their lives - changing according to which adult has which opinion is no good for kids.
Emphasize, as a couple, that you enjoy time spent with the parents, but essentially must also have time for yourselves, to build your own relationship. Maybe raise a simple question about how things were for them during their engagement, and how their parents and inlaws took part in their lives then.
Emphasize, too, that though he was in an awful relationship before this one, you are a very different person, and just as devoted to ensuring that this doesn't happen again, as they are.
And as mom may be feeling especially mortal and useless now, try to find things she CAN more usefully do for you, to distract her from feeling aggrieved at being asked not to do some of the things that may be bothersome to you, even if satisfying to her.

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